


It Started With...

by IGuessIWriteStuffNow



Category: Newsies (1992), Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Arguing, Canon Era, Equally javid and newsbians, F/F, Finally, First Kiss, First Time, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Girls in Love, Happy Ending, Homophobic Language, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, JACOBS SIBLINGS BONDING, Love Confessions, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Homophobia, Smoking, THIS IS ACTUALLY DONE, The first chapter is happy!!!, all that good shit, also davey has anxiety, chap 13: davey calling jack out on his shit for 5.5k words, everyone is sad, forgive my lack of title-ing skills, he's on the verge of an anxiety attack, kisses and happiness, like the chapters will alternate, newsbians deserve happiness, pls read it i worked hard on this, reference to The Alleyway Scene™, so tw for that, tipsy flirting, use of the "q" slur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2018-12-13 10:24:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 44,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11757864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IGuessIWriteStuffNow/pseuds/IGuessIWriteStuffNow
Summary: It started with running: with wind in their hair, feet falling heavy on the pavement, and Jack’s hand wrapped around his wrist.It started with talking: laughter, a bottle of wine, and Kath's fingertips dancing over her knee.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so ive been wanting to write this one for about two months now so im excited!!!!  
> So basically this is going to alternate between javid and newsbian centric chapters (and POVs will switch, obviously) and they will be pretty separate at first but will connect eventually.  
> anyway this fic will be wild so best of luck my dudes.

It started with running: with wind in their hair, feet falling heavy on the pavement, and Jack’s hand wrapped around his wrist.

Those small sensations were all that was clear in Davey’s mind, the adrenaline blurring everything else. He couldn’t tell if the rawness of his lungs was due to laughter or his inability to breathe- or maybe he was struggling to breathe _because_ he was laughing-

It didn’t really matter. All the mattered was keeping their pace faster than that of the people chasing them and trying to imprint on his mind the feeling of Jack’s fingers curled around his arm. 

“Here, Dave.” Jack’s words had a tone of a whisper paired with the volume of a soft yell. With the wind rushing in his ears, Davey could still just barely hear his voice over the wide gap separating them. The words hardly had time to register before Jack was pulling him into a shadowed alleyway out of sight, never loosening the grip on his wrist. 

They were quiet for some time, waiting patiently in fear of being caught. Time trickled by, seconds lasting far longer than he thought possible. Waiting as the seconds turned into long minutes, waiting, _waiting_ for the sound of yells. But there was silence, silence- nothing. Davey raised his eyes to meet Jack’s, the eye contact lasting less than a second before they both started laughing. 

“My god, Jack, what- what the _hell_ was that?” Davey hardly got the words out through peals of laughter. Jack just shook his head and clutched his stomach with one hand. “Really. We’re- we’re running away from the bulls. What did you _do_?”

“It ain't my fault-” He started and Davey didn’t believe him for a second. Things like that didn’t just come out of nowhere. One moment they were walking around the streets under the cover of night (which they did sometimes, just to talk without having to call out headlines or look after Les. Davey liked those walks.), the next, there was someone yelling about a thief and pointing at them. Before Davey could say a word, Jack’s hand was clasping onto his arm and they were running. But it would be a lie if Davey said he didn’t love it. The adrenaline, the fearlessness, the complete trust he and Jack shared in the moments of fear and determination? He _adored_ it.

“Oh, oh _sure_ -”

“Shaddup, Dave, and let me tell the story.” He nudged Davey’s shoulder with his and it was then that David realized his arm wasn’t free. Jack’s hand was still warm against his skin, except it was rested a bit lower, almost holding Davey’s hand.

Almost.

But Jack was still talking. “Look, winter ain’t over yet and I see a lotta kids who ain’t got enough food, ya know? So, I give them mine, if I have any extra. But I- I haven’t lately…”

“Winter hits hard for even the greatest of Jack Kellys?” Davey told the joke with a smile on his face, but it was only half humorous. He knew winter wasn’t easy on Jack. It wasn’t for him, either. His father was still looking for a job, so the family income was far from excellent. The soup was more water than substance, lately. Not that that ever stopped the Jacobses for inviting Jack or Crutchie or any of the other boys over to share.

“Even for me, Dave. But, anyways, a couple a’ times- barely ever, really!- I swipe a thing or two for the kids. And yeah, I ain’t the _best_ thief but it ain’t like those kids can do no better. And usually no one picks up on it, but this time… But, hey, it ain’t the cops chasing us, I promise. Just the guy I nicked from. He ain’t got no proof against me, so you don’t gotta worry. I’ll be fine.”

“Hope so.” The brick wall scratched against the back of Davey’s head as he leaned back. He closed his eyes and inhaled, feeling his lungs expand, then collapse. He was still trying to catch his breath after all the running and laughing. “You’re a real Robin Hood, you know that?”

Jack hummed. “Always liked that story. He seemed fair.” He shot a grin at Davey, whose heart was suddenly beating a bit faster. “But I still like those western books better.”

“Ah yes, because there’s still nothing like Santa Fe.” He made the joke with no more than a tinge of resentment. Davey wouldn’t say he was _jealous_ of the city, exactly. But, despite Jack’s reassurances that he wasn’t going to leave, Davey couldn’t help the fear that was the city would one day take Jack away from him.

“It is a pretty great city.” Jack agreed, gaze fixed at the sky as he gave a half chuckle. “But… I dunno, Dave. I think there are a couple things that compete.” Without looking back at Davey, he laced their fingers together.

For a minute or so, the alleyway was silent, save for the quiet breathing of two boys. The warmth from their clasped hands seemed to make them impervious to winter’s cold, a private bubble the outside world couldn’t touch. There was nowhere Davey would rather be than that alley at that second. Because it was moments like that were the ones that reminded him: he and Jack were _something_. Putting it into words was as impossible as it was dangerous and acting on it would practically be a death sentence. But it was still there. Even if never grew into anything, even if they never mentioned it aloud, Jack was his _something_ and he was Jack’s. For now, he had that, and he was content. 

The muffled sounds of yells broke through the quiet. _Shit_. Jack glanced at Davey, wide-eyed, just a second before pulling him away from where they’d stood a moment prior. The now-familiar adrenaline bubbled up in Davey’s chest. His hand was in Jack’s, his heart was pounding, and no force on Earth could stop him now.

There was an alcove in the brick wall, fitted for a doorway into the apartments above it. The space was narrow, but just large enough to fit both of them, Davey estimated. He gestured towards it and Jack followed him instantly. Davey wondered when they’d grown so close that they could practically know each other's thoughts. 

And a second later, the closeness was as physical as it was mental. Davey’s back hit the wall with a thud, and no sooner could he react to the pain than Jack was pressed against his chest. Two hands laid flat on the bricks surrounding him, enclosing him into the small space. And Jack- his face was _much_ too close to Davey’s. He was glad for the low light; without it, Jack would surely be able to see how pink his face was.

“Jack-” He kept his voice a low whisper. The man following them was still close.

Jack’s warm breath hit Davey’s ear as he spoke. “Quiet, Dave. I think they’ve almost passed.”

The seconds seemed to drag on like hours. Davey knew the proximity was to fulfill a purpose- keeping them out of sight- and nothing else. It didn’t mean anything, so he shouldn’t enjoy it so much. It was nothing more than a somewhat painful reminder of the night during the strike, the last time Jack had pinned him up against a wall in a darkened alleyway. If it was possible, Davey wanted to kiss him now more than he even had then.

Davey wasn’t sure what to do with his hands. He’d kept them against the wall, but his anxiety manifested in constant movement of his fingers. The tapping of his fingers against the wall made a dull noise. It wasn’t _loud_ , by any means, but Jack could hear it ( _no wonder_ he could hear it, he was _so close_ to him). He reached over, wrapped one of Davey’s hands in his own, and placed it on his waist. Davey repeated the motion with his other hand, so it was a mirror of the first. He was holding Jack in his arms and, surely, this couldn’t be real.

How long had they been standing here? _Far too long_ , Davey thought to himself. He couldn’t hear the sound of speech anywhere; the streets were quieter than even before they had began running. Their follower was gone and the alleyway was abandoned. Leaving just Jack and Davey. Jack, whose body was still flush against Davey’s. The danger had passed. They should move, walk home and forget the moment. But Jack’s hand moved to cup Davey’s face, and he had no desire to go. Instead, he pressed his lips to Jack’s cheekbone, noticing how he froze up instantly. He pulled back and looked away, taking note of Jack’s wide eyes. _He’d ruined it, hadn’t he?_ But then Jack’s hands pulled Davey’s face down so theirs were parallel.

And Jack’s lips on were Davey’s.

Every voice in his head reminding him of _danger; this is a_ bad idea _; you will get caught_ was silenced as he heard Jack mumble against his lips: “Dave, Davey, _David_.” There was something about that name, his full name, the name Jack _never_ called him, that made him kiss Jack harder. It wasn’t a nickname, it was an adult name, and he never wanted to hear it fall from anyone’s mouth but Jack’s.

Davey was the first to pull away, laughing as he whispered, “I never thought it would happen like this.”

“Our first-?”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve been imagining this, Dave?”

“Yeah.”

“Heh.” He smiled against Davey’s mouth. “Me too.”

Jack reached a hand up the back of his shirt and Davey copied him. He wondered if Jack had done this before. ( _He probably has. Hell, with his looks, he definitely has._ ) Davey had never even _wanted_ any of this before Jack- not with girls, or boys, or anyone. He had grown up never understanding the constant discussions of attraction and overwhelming desire to kiss and touch. He’d never known what it felt to want something from the pit of his stomach to the strings of his heart. Not before Jack.

The doorknob dug into Davey’s back as he shifted, giving Jack more room to roam his skin with his fingertips. Being pinned against a door was growing increasingly uncomfortable. He grabbed Jack by the wrist, pulling him out of the alcove and against the brick wall. His fingers laced through Jack’s as he tipped the other’s face up to meet in a kiss, hard and rough as the bricks he was pushing Jack against. He liked this. He liked being in control of the uncontrollable Jack Kelly. 

It was only when Jack’s thumb slipped beneath the waistline of Davey’s pants that the reality of what they might do sunk in. Yes, he wanted it, but they were in an alley- they could be _seen_ they could be _caught_ \- He opened his eyes to meet Jack’s. “Are we going to-”

“Do you wanna?” Maybe Davey shouldn’t be so happy to hear that Jack’s whisper was as breathless as his.

“Yes.” Pause. “Do you?”

“God, David. Absolutely.” This press of lips came and went much faster than the previous ones. Davey tried to suppress a whine that escaped his throat as Jack pulled away. “I know ‘bout a place, Davey. There’s a lock, it’s got… what we’ll need.” He squeezed Davey’s hand. “That okay?”

“Yeah.”

There was nothing he could do but follow as Jack pulled him off into the night.

*******

“Wow.”

Davey turned his face to look at Jack, the cool fabric of the pillowcase meeting the warmth of his cheek. “‘Wow’?” 

“Wow, David.” Jack’s gaze was fixed up at the ceiling, grinning. The rise and fall of his bare chest was mesmerizing. “Good wow.”

“I’m glad. Good wow to you, too.” Davey grinned wider when Jack turned to look at him. The skin of Jack’s shoulder was warm and rough as he trailed his finger across it. He loved this closeness. He wanted to stay like this, half asleep in this shabby room, where nothing but the two of them mattered, for as long as he could. But they couldn’t forever. “We should probably- probably-” He was cut off by Jack’s lips on his.

“Should what, Davey?” Jack teased, moving his mouth to Davey’s cheekbone. “Kiss more? ‘Cause if so, I agree.”

“I was going to say ‘get dressed’.”

“How ‘bout both?”

Davey smiled. “Sounds fair.” And he kissed Jack again before standing to retrieve his clothes from where they lay strewn across the floor of the mess of an apartment.

Davey buttoned up the collar of his shirt and tried to smooth out the wrinkles it had collected. It didn’t help when Jack decided to give up halfway through the dressing process, walking over and wrapping his arms around Davey’s torso. It didn’t hurt either, Dave decided, as he leaned into the kisses Jack pressed to his neck. “David? You gonna head home?” He asked, voice muffled against Davey’s skin.

He should, he really should. His mother was probably already to kill him for being out so late. But would she really notice, if he stayed just a bit later? “…Not yet.”

“Yet?” His tone sounded hopeful.

“Thought I rest a bit here, first.”

Jack smiled against Davey’s skin. “Want me to stay with ya?”

“Jack, never leave.”

*******

It was only in broad daylight, when the sun shone through the darkened windows onto Davey curled up with Jack that the illusion shattered. He shot up from the bed, stomach tying in a knot as a million fears sunk in.

He wasn’t supposed to have fallen asleep. He was supposed to have been home hours ago. His family was probably worried, his _mother_ -

Jack turned over next to him and the knot in his stomach tightened. He had broken his promise to himself. He’d acted on his and Jack’s _something_. What if he’d ruined it? What if this was it, and there was nothing left for them now? 

And what if he’d been seen? He could get _arrested_. And when his family found out why, they would hate him, and then they would lose the income he brought in, and they would have even less than they already did, and what if they couldn’t make enough to keep the apartment-

He had to go. He pulled on his shoes as quickly as he could, trying to steady his breathing and keep the tears building in his eyes from falling. He practically ran to the door, just needing to get out-

He was already turning the doorknob when he heard Jack stand up behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, looking through the javid tag on ao3: well it seems like people like modern au get together/fluff fics  
> also me: *continues to write angsty canon era fic*
> 
> Anyway so the next chapter will be newsbian centric (i already have like half of it written!) and it will alternate like that.  
> also sorry that this isn't fully edited i havent posted in a while so i thought. just post this.
> 
> pls tell me what you thought i need validation. I love you all and I hope you have a great day!


	2. Chapter 2

It started with talking: laughter, a bottle of wine, and Katherine's fingertips dancing over her knee.

The reporter’s gaze was fixed towards the ceiling, one eye closed. Sarah supposed it helped her calculate mentally. If so, it was working. Sarah could practically see the numbers run through her mind as she thought. “...Five times,” Kath decided on, finally.

“Five?” Sarah questioned, hardly keeping in her laughter. The wine had made her a bit giddy, more prone to laughing and blushing. But, then again, she felt Katherine’s presence was just as much to blame for that.

Kath grinned. “Five.”

“How do you get away with ‘accidentally’ spilling coffee on your coworkers _five times_?”

“Well,” Kath began, smoothing down her skirt with the hand that wasn’t currently resting on Sarah’s knee. “You start with having a very well known father who has a name powerful enough to prevent people from questioning you. Not that you would use that power if it wasn’t _completely necessary_.” Kath winked and Sarah suppressed a giggle. “And then you wait until, let’s say, the twelfth scrawny man with a horrendous dearth of writing talent assumes you are the secretary and tells you his coffee order.”

Sarah shook her head, in something akin to disbelief, but not exactly. Even at the factory she worked in, nearly all staffed by women, the amount of condescension she received from men on a daily basis was remarkable. Katherine’s story wasn’t tooo far outside the realm of possibility. “So you pour coffee on them as an act of revenge? That’s a bit harsh, Ms. Plumber. Harsh, but clever.”

Kath shrugged and rolled her eyes. “Only the ones who deserve it, _Ms. Jacobs_. The ones I’ve seen harass the other women in the office, or those have asked me for coffee _multiple times_ , even when I have assured them that I am no coffee girl. You would think that after covering one of the biggest strikes New York has seen in decades, these fellas would get it through their heads that I’m not here to fetch drinks for them.” A glimmer of pain is evident in Katherine’s eyes. Her sentences had flow like a river and held truth like a blade, but since the name attached to the masterfully-crafted passages was that of a woman, no one paid them any mind. It just wasn’t _fair._ “What are the men where you work like, Sarah?”

“All about the same, I suppose.” She picked at the loose threads hanging off of her skirt. “There aren’t that many, but those who are…” She grimaced. “Can you imagine we’ll each marry one of them one day?”

Kath shook her head and laughed. Sarah tried to think of a word to describe the feeling bubbling in her stomach, but the only one that seemed to fit was _smitten_. “I’m not marrying any guy I’d spill coffee on- or who would mistake me for a _secretary_.” Of course, Kath wouldn’t settle for some condescending creep. She deserved much better than that. She deserved the world.

“Shame you and Jack didn’t work out.” _Is it a shame? Shouldn’t consider it a shame if you were happy when you found out they were over._ “He’s a good guy.”

“My father certainly didn’t agree.” Kath laughed, raising her wine glass to take another sip. “But I see your point. Jack is a catch. Just, not for me.” She nudged Sarah’s shoulder with her own. “Maybe for you?”

 _No_. That would _not_ be happening. But it wasn’t as if she could explain why she was so sure of that. “Maybe…” She trailed off. Jack had flirted with her regularly during their first meetings, but then stopped once he got more serious about Katherine. And he hadn’t resumed after Kath ended the relationship. Which was probably for the best. She found herself with much more interest in his former girl than him, anyway. “Well,” she started again. “Thank you for the wine-” Kath raised her glass. “-and for inviting me over. But mama needs me home, so I should-”

Kath gave her a grin which she quickly returned. “Of course, Sarah.” 

Maybe it was the heavy eye contact, or the wine in her system, or the fact that Katherine’s hand _still lingered_ on her knee, but Sarah found herself tripping over her feet the moment she attempted to stand.

And not just onto the floor, or the bed, or any embarrassing-but-manageable places to fall. No, Sarah was unfortunate as to collapse onto Katherine’s lap. In Katherine’s lap, with no more than three inches between their faces, hands touching, eyes met in the middle. Sarah felt her mouth go dry and _Sarah Jacobs it is time to move_ right now _you can’t keep staring at her-_

“Your eyes-” Kath started, before cutting off her words and her eye contact. Sarah shifted backwards.

“My eyes? Is there something wrong with them?” She brought a hand up to brush over her eyelid, hoping there wasn’t some deformity there. The touch revealed nothing.

“No.” The pink of Katherine’s face was even more noticeable up close. “I just- I never really noticed how nice they are.” She laughed and even the sense of awkwardness tinging the sound couldn’t hide how pretty it was. Sarah felt her face heat up.

“People don’t- um-” Sarah moved a bit, mostly so she was no longer half in Kath’s lap. “I don’t hear that much. People are usually too busy going on about Davey’s eyes- it’s hard, being the brown eyed sister to someone with blue eyes, you know.”

Kath giggled and freed her arm so she could take another sip from her wineglass. “I don’t really. I always wished I had siblings.” 

“Not sure you do.” Sarah laughed. “No, no, I love Davey and Les. They can just… be hard to deal with. Sometimes.”

“I’ll just take your word for it. But, for the record, Sarah Jacobs, I think your eyes are… enchanting.” Her fingertips ghosted across Sarah cheekbone. The touch was featherlight, but that didn’t stop Sarah from leaning into it. _It’s not like it means anything_ , she told herself. _Kath is just tipsy. She doesn’t know what she’s saying._

“‘Enchanting’?” She breathed.

“Enchanting, exquisite, alluring…”

Sarah rested her hand over Katherine’s. “You know a lot of beautiful words.”

“I could go on, you know, with the right inspiration.”

Outside the window was the sounds of carriages rolling and children yelling, of conversation and laughter. But all Sarah could hear was the heavy sound of breathing in the narrow space between them. “Do you have the right inspiration?”

“I think so.” She looked up at Sarah through thick eyelashes. “Dark eyes are wonders. Yours, specifically.” She pulled her hand away from Sarah’s. “But I’m rambling.”

“I don’t-” She shook her head. “I don’t mind.”

“I’m glad.” She pressed her forehead to Sarah’s and if Sarah’s heart hadn't been racing before, it certainly was now. “You might just make a poet out of this reporter, Sarah Jacobs.” Her lips were twisted up in a genuine smile. Sarah’s heart begged her to close the space between them. She almost did.

But she stepped away instead. She couldn’t risk this. Katherine was one of many friends, sure, but she was the only one that mattered. None of the girls from the factory made her heart speed up and stop like Kath did. None of them made her want to risk the perfect future she’d imagined for herself just for the chance of kiss.

She couldn’t lose this.

“I really should go, now.” Sarah probably imagined the look of disappointment that crossed Katherine’s face. The expression- if it had been there- lasted for only a split second before it was replaced by a smile. It was surely just a figment of Sarah’s overactive imagination. She knew she had to shut it off at some point. It would get her hurt.

“Thank you for coming over.” Kath squeezed her hand just before letting go. “Visit me again soon?”

“As soon as I can,” she promised.

As Sarah took long strides out of the mansion, she went over every moment of the meeting in her head. The touches, the laughter, the compliments, blushing, breathing heavily- Everything she had read about in the tales of romance she’d heard as a child. But never had she seen the princess fall for a noblewoman rather than a knight.

Not that she had fallen for Katherine.

_Lying to myself is stupid. It has never gotten anyone anywhere. Why not just admit it?_

She arrived home to find an empty apartment. Her mother was at the afternoon shift at the factory, her father was looking for jobs, and her brothers were out selling newspapers on the streets. _I’m glad for the solitude_ , she thought as she approached the mirror in her room. _No excuses to keep me from voicing this._

Air filled her lungs as she slowly breathed in and escaped she exhaled, far faster. She met her own eyes in the reflection, saw the fear and determination mirrored in them. A smile crawled onto her face, and she let the words free. They tumbled out of her lips, almost too quickly to comprehend. 

But she had said them. She’d set the words- the syllables with far too much meaning- free into the atmosphere. And she didn’t regret them, even as she heard them echo back in her ears.

“I’m in love with Katherine Plumber.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this is really short and I'm sorry but I just wanted something cute n gay to set the scene for later chapters.  
> also im sorry this isnt very edited im tired??? pls tell me how to make it better if you want.
> 
> also idk if yall remember that one newsbian multichapter fic that i never finished (Im really sorry about that, i will one day, i just got really bad writers block and never overcame it) but yeah basically im going to steal the oc from that and put her in this fic cause i need jealous Kath  
> Tell me what you thought my dudes and I hope you're all having a great day :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed the fluff cause that's gone

Jack woke up groggy, sore, and oddly happy.

He reached out with a hand to prop himself up, expecting the cool concrete of his and Crutchie’s rooftop or the stiff mattress of the lodging house beds, but found only warm blankets under his fingers. How’d he end up-

Oh.

The memories rushed back to him, running and hiding and kissing and Davey, Davey, _Davey_. His face warmed with the thought, and he nearly collapsed on the bed again, but then a worse thought set in. _Davey fell asleep next to me, and now he’s gone. Where did he-_

The sound of a choked sob cut through the air and, within a moment, Jack was on his feet. The room was cast in a shadow, lit only by sunlight that filtered through dirty windows and the curtains covering them. He could still just barely make out the outline of a figure standing by the door- tall with wrinkled clothing that was just slightly eschewed.

“Hey, Davey.” He walked over to the boy and rested a hand on his shoulder. “Where ya off to so soon?” 

“Nowhere, Jack.” Dave wouldn’t look at him. His voice was low, almost angry and definitely tearful, and Jack wondered what the hell he’d done wrong. But what could he have done? Davey sounded so happy the previous night: it had been _him_ , not Jack, who had said he was going to stay. He wanted all of this- right? Maybe Jack was just imagining things. He really hoped he was just imagining things.

“Well, good, I guess, cause we gotta clean up in here. All the boys use this place so sheets gotta be washed, ya know?” He laughed, despite the dearth of humor in the statement. All he wanted was to hear Davey laugh too. The silence scared him. “But, uh, after that, we could head down and start sellin.” Davey stiffened under his hand. “Or not. Hey, I mean, if you’d rather stay here for a bit we could resume what we were doing last night-”

“Stop, Jack,” Davey snapped, cutting off Jack’s flirtatious words and finally turning to face him. His eyes were red from crying. “We’re never doing that again. We were- we must have been out of our minds to do so in the first place. It was a mistake.” _Mistake. Out of our minds. Never again._ The words echoed in Jack’s mind, not comprehending. What had he done wrong?

“David, I don’t- what’re you sayin’?”

“Jack-” He sounded exasperated, which only made Jack feel like an idiot. “We could’ve been _seen_.” 

“Oh,” Jack breathed, suddenly understanding the worry in his friend’s (were they still friends? Something else, now? Had they ruined it, were they nothing at all?) wide eyes. “David, you ain’t gotta worry about none a’ that. Trust me. I’ve been here before, I ain’t never been caught. I swear. You’re okay. We’re-” He gestured between the two of them. “We’re okay.”

“This place,” Davey said, gripping onto the edge of his shirt. “It’s just for… for-”

“Sex?” He provided, not quite comfortable with where the conversation was going. “Yeah. Pretty much.”

“And you’ve been here before?”

 _Shit._ He really had no desire to divulge his previous sex life to Davey. He’d never done anything with anyone who had really _mattered_ \- not the way Davey did. He’d only ever had one real relationship, with Kath, and they’d realized they worked better at friends long before they were at a stage that would involve taking her to a room like this. Of course, it wasn’t like he’d decided to wait and figure things out or even _talk_ to Davey about their relationship before sleeping with him. _God, Jack, you’re an idiot_. “Yeah, Dave. Once or twice.” _It didn’t mean anything, you’re the only one who’s meant anything. I’ll never forgive myself if I fuck this up._

“Oh.” Davey leaned against the door, but it looked more like he was just leaning to be away from Jack. “Girls or boys?”

“Both.” 

Davey hummed and looked away. “This was a one-time thing.” His tone seemed stuck between a statement and a question, as if he wanted to declare the statement as true as much as he wanted to be told he was wrong. And Jack, just as much, wanted to be able to tell him so.

 _No, it ain’t. I hope it ain’t. I don’t know how I’ll live if I know all you wanted was a one night with me._ “If that’s what ya want.” 

“Does it matter what I want?” He pushed his hair back with one hand, the lightly curled strands tumbling out of his grasp as quickly as they had been captured in it. Jack remembered what it felt to have those dark locks netted around his fingers. It had only been the previous night; how had so much changed? “It’s against- there are _laws_ about this, Jack.”

“But they ain’t laws that make sense.”

“But they _are_ laws-”

“Yeah, yeah, Dave. I get it. They ain’t good, but they’re there, and we can’t do shit ta’ change ‘em. That’s what you was gonna say, right?” He poked Davey’s chest with one finger. “To which I respond, the David Jacobs I know don’t give a shit about laws. You was a fucking- a _strike leader_. Surely that’s more dangerous than this?”

“It’s different, Jack,” he snapped. “I- we had _backing_ then, allies. This is different. With this I’m a... freak.” His hands were curled into fists at his sides. His fingernails were long an uneven and Jack feared for the skin of his palms. He’d seen red crescents against the white of Davey’s hands before and they always made him sick. He knew Davey didn’t do so on purpose, but they were still painful to see.

“You ain’t.” He reached down to uncurl the fists and lace his fingers through Davey’s. “I promise. Society’s fucked up, but that don’t matter to us, right? Proud and _defiant_ , Davey. You can’t let- let _fear_ rule your life.”

“I don’t.” Jack looked at him. “I don’t… want to. But it’s too much of a risk. This isn’t like the strike. This is too big. We can’t make change.”

Jack wasn’t going to get through to him on this, was he? “Look, Davey, maybe you’re right. Maybe this battle ain’t for us.” But if it was, if there was ever a movement for this type of thing, Jack would be at the front of the crowd. And, despite the conversation they were holding now, Jack always pictured Davey right next to him, protesting for love, equality, happiness. Protesting for _them_. “But… hey. The law is just about physical stuff, ya know? We can’t get in trouble for feelings.”

Davey froze completely still for a moment, before stepping away from Jack. “…I never said anything about feelings.” 

Jack felt his mouth go dry. What did he- surely he didn’t mean- “What’d you say, Davey?”

“We made it clear, didn’t we?” His tone was curt and closed off. “You’ve taken other boys here, I’m just one of them.” _Davey no no god no you’re not just one of them_. “This was just… for fun. No meaning, no ties.” _Please no._ “You don’t have feelings for me and I don’t have feelings for you.” But Davey _did_. He _had to_. All those things he’d said- he’d been picturing kissing Jack, he never wanted Jack to leave- he’d said all of that. He couldn’t just go back on that.

“But- Davey-”

“And we can’t _get_ feelings, Jack.” Davey hadn’t moved during the conversation, but he seemed so much farther away than he at the offset. His voice seemed to slowly distort itself in Jack’s head until it was all utterly meaningless. Jack was lost. “If we do- if we do _that_ again, in addition to how often we’re around each other... Look, Jack. I- I already love you-” Jack shook his head. Those words, he’d wanted to hear them for so long... But it wasn’t supposed to be like this. “-and I think you’re beautiful. And if we kept this up, one of us will fall in love.” How could he not see that Jack had already fallen for him? “If only one of us falls, our friendship will be ruined, and if both of us do… our lives will be.” Davey’s voice had grown louder and more confident as he spoke, as he began to believe his own words. Jack, on the other hand, felt himself shrinking and sinking into despair because it _wasn’t supposed to be this way._

“I get it, Davey.” He didn’t. “It ain’t worth the risk.”

“Yeah.” Davey paused, curling his hand around the doorknob. “It was a mistake.”

“It was a mistake,” he echoed, voice hollow.

“And we can’t tell anyone about this.” 

“’Course.”

They stood in silence for seconds that seemed to drag like hours. “...I should go.” Davey bit his lip. “Could you leave a while after me? So we aren't seen together.”

 _Yeah, Jack, who the fuck would ever want to be seen with_ you _?_ “Sure.”

The wood creaked as Davey pushed open the door. He hesitated, face still turned away. Jack expected him to just walk away without another word, but: “I do love you, Jack. Really.”

Jack sighed and stepped away, hating the words and all the terrible emotions that boiled in his stomach as he heard them. “Just, not that way,” he finished, so Davey didn’t have to.

He nodded and spoke quietly. “Not that way.” Without casting another glance over his shoulder, Davey walked out the door.

And Jack remained, left to the cold air seeping through his undershirt and the sinking feeling that everything was ruined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise these chapters will get longer this one is just short because im tired and don't know what else they should say.
> 
> So yeah I hope you enjoyed this angst it will be happy i /promise/ just give it time. I love you all, thank you for reading, please give me the validation i need, and have a lovely day!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time for the obligatory katherine jack friendship chapter

“Ms. Katherine Plumber!” Her arrival at the lodging house was met with the shout from one of the boys and quickly followed by uproarious applause from the others. Katherine smiled and curtsied, unable say she disliked the attention. Not that she could say that she liked it any more than when her entrance was met with nothing more than a few nods. There was a sense of belonging when she was around these boys, who had just accepted her into their circles. It was a sort of family that she wouldn’t trade for anything. 

“Evenin’, Kath,” Crutchie greeted her, tipping his cap with one hand. 

She met his grin with her own. “Evening.” She grabbed the cap off of his head and put it on her own, tipping it in an imitation of his gesture. She had grown fond of the newsboy cap style and had made a habit of “borrowing” those hats from her friends. (She always returned them, of course.)

“Ya’ seem ta’ be in a good mood,” he commented. Kath winked and twirled around.

“What gives you that idea?”

He laughed. “New article published? Some new mystery for ya to snoop on? Someone special on your mind?”

Kath hummed. “One of those.” She took the hat off of her head, placed it back on Crutchie’s and straightened it for him. “Where’s Jack?” 

“Fire escape would be my guess.” He smoothed down the dirty blond hair peeking out of the sides of the cap. “Kinda weird, though. Usually, he’s walkin’ Davey and Les home around now, but he didn’t today.”

“I think Davey and Les can walk themselves home.” She started walking towards the window, noticing a splotch of paint on its sill. The bright blue, half-dry smear was just confirmation of Jack’s whereabouts.

“But ya know Jack. He's too good a’ guy- he insists on walking with ‘em. Usually, at least. I just hope they ain't fightin’. But I think Jack would've told me if they was.” Katherine hummed, curious, and Crutchie continued. “Nah, they ain’t. Hopefully.”

“Hopefully indeed. I’ve barely seen the two of them separated since I met them.” She paused. “I’ll ask him about it and report back to you.”

“Thanks, Kath.” He smiled again and, damn, if that wasn’t an adorable smile. Kath could see why Jack had practically made Crutchie his brother- she was considering it too. As she’d told Sarah, she did sort of want a sibling.

She winked at him and crawled through the window. The second the cool air hit her skin, she could feel goosebumps rise on her pale arms. She shivered and hugged herself, wondering why the hell Jack would be out here on purpose. But there he was, canvas leaning against the railing, paintbrush in hand. She watched him for a moment, wrist flicks spreading color across the white of the canvas. She was too far to tell what it was, exactly. But his movements alone were artistic enough for her to appreciate.

“You smeared paint on the windowsill.”

He jerked back in surprise, his neck whipping around so he faced her. His features softened as he noticed who it was. “Jesus Christ, Kath. You’se gonna give a guy a heart attack one of these days. For someone with such a loud mouth, you move so quiet.”

“Traits of a reporter, Jack.” She walked over to him. “I have to be able to be surreptitious enough to get the story and loud enough to tell it.” 

“‘Surreptitious’? Is that just a fancy way of sayin you sneak up on people?”

She paused, then shrugged. “Yeah.” She tried to glance at the canvas, but he turned it away before she could look. “I noticed the paint on the windowsill was blue- are you painting Davey’s eyes again?” 

With a smirk, he pulled back the bristles of the brush and released so they flicked blue paint on her cheek. “None a’ your business, Kath,” he told her, ignoring her screech. “You don’t see me goin and askin what’s in your notebook.”

“All that is in my notebook is facts, Jack.”

Jack hummed. “Oh, sure Kath.” He propped his head in his hands and looked up at her. “What’d ya come here to tell me?”

“Can’t I just visit my friends without being questioned?” 

“Not you, Kath. You always gotta motive.” She shrugged and he smiled. “And, anyway, you’re smiling too much. Jeez, you haven’t dropped that grin since ya came out here. It’s gettin a bit scary. So really.” He tilted his face to the side. “What happened?”

“Well,” she started, not dropping the grin. She didn’t really care what Jack thought of it. “You know Sarah Jacobs?”

“The sister of my best friend and someone you have seen me have multiple animated conversations with? Nah, never heard a’ her,” He deadpanned. She elbowed him in the side.

“Like I was saying, Sarah Jacobs-” She inhaled. “I think I love her.” The words were muffled by the peal of laughter that escaped her throat. She was still smiling, and maybe she was beginning to understand why Jack might find that creepy.

Jack’s eyebrows raised and he finally gave her his full attention. “Damn, Katherine.” He rested a hand on her shoulder. “That explains why you’re so happy. She feel the same?”

Kath pursed her lips, but their corners were still raised. “I'm not sure. But I think she does.”

“I mean, I believe ya, but why do you think so?” He twirled the paintbrush in his fingers. He was lucky that it was dry, because if any more paint got on her she would probably be forced to fight him.

“She was over this afternoon, and we were both a bit tipsy, and we talked for a while, and she tripped and was basically in my lap, and then we almost kissed.” She was blushing by the time she finished talking, all the memories of that afternoon resurfacing. _Sarah Jacobs. Perfection._

“Hell yeah, Kath.” He was grinning as wide as she was. “But next time, actually kiss her.”

“Maybe I will.” She paused. “But now that we've cleared up why I'm so happy, why are you so upset?”

“I ain't.”

“Well, Crutchie says you are- and that you and Davey weren't talking today- and if anyone knows you it’s that kid, so I'm going to take his word for it. What's wrong?”

“It ain't important.” He wouldn't meet her eyes. “Just… a tryin’ day, ya know?”

“Come on, Jack. I told you something very important, and you can’t divulge one detail?”

“Nah.”

“Rude.” The frayed fabric of his shirt worked as a cushion for her head as she leaned on his shoulder. Her eyes fluttered closed and she realized she was very, _very_ tired. If Jack wouldn’t provide her with answers, he could at least give her a place to rest. 

She was half asleep on his side when he spoke again. 

“I slept with Davey.”

Kath would have liked to be able to say she had a completely normal reaction to that information. Instead, she shrieked. And then started laughing. “You- you-”

Jack pushed her off of his shoulder, face bright pink. “Shuddup Kath. It ain’t funny.”

“It kind of is, you have to admit,” she said through fits of giggles. “You- you say you weren't going to tell me and then you just blurt that out. Why?”

His face darkened. “Well, we was runnin, and the adrenaline was high-”

“Jack, I'm not asking you why you had sex with our mutual friend.” She pushed the hair away from his forehead as she laughed. “Why did you decide to tell me?”

He shrugged. “I dunno. You'd figure it out anyway. And I don't want ya to start thinkin about stuff- you'll start guessin. And I don't wanna hafta keep tellin ya ‘no’.” 

“Do you love him?” She didn't really have to ask. She had seen Jack’s paintings of the boy, seen their eye contact and the way Jack’s gaze would linger on him even after Davey had looked away. She only wondered why she hadn't noticed before. 

His laugh was a dry, monotone contrast to her light and happy one. “Whattaya think, Kath? ‘Course I do.”

“Why are you so upset about it? Does Davey not…” She trailed off. Davey wasn’t the sort of guy who would sleep with someone if he didn’t have feelings for them, she was sure. But then why was Jack-

“He don’t feel the same.” He looked away, face rested in one of his hands. “I thought he did, last night. The stuff he said… But then, this morning, I get up and he starts tellin me that it was a mistake, that it would get us arrested, that we didn’t have feelings for each other and we couldn’t _get_ feelings for each other. I dunno why he hasn’t realized it’s far too late for me, but… I dunno, Kath. I can’t go back. I know what it’s like to kiss him, hold him, think he loves me, and I dunno if I can stand seein him every day and knowin’ I can’t do any a’ that again.”

His words pierced at her heart. She hated seeing him hurting like this. He didn’t deserve it. “Oh, Jack. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t worry about me.” He looked over at her, a fake smile plastered on his face that did nothing to mask the puffiness of his eyes. “Really, Kath. It’s fine. I’m fine. I ain’t happy, but I’ll live. You don’t need to hear all this. You gotta go get your girl. Really-” he assured as Kath shook her head. “Bet she's just sittin around her house, waiting for you to show up and kiss her.”

“Jack, don’t change the subject.”

“But-”

She sighed. “What he told you about not having feelings, did you believe him?”

He raked a hand through his hair. “Believe that he didn’t have them or believe that we can’t?”

“Both.”

“He’s right about it bein’ dangerous. I know that too. You an’ me, Kath, we can talk about this shit cause we know each other. But with anyone else, hey, I’d get fucking killed.” His laugh trailed off and left him with a grimace that matched Kath’s. She knew what her feelings for Sarah meant and the trouble she could get for them. But she never liked thinking about it. “But I don’t think- I’d take the risk if it meant I had him.” He let out a ragged sigh. “Guess it don’t matter. He made it pretty clear he ain’t interested like that.”

“I think he’s scared.” Who wouldn’t be, in Davey’s situation? Even Jack was scared, she could tell, but he was only more willing to talk about why. She knew Davey fairly well, she was sure, and the way he looked at Jack… It was so clear to her now. “He has feelings for you- he wouldn’t sleep with you for no reason. He just isn’t sure what to do, because the world is cruel and unfair, and he doesn’t know how exactly to get around this sort of law, yet. You should talk to him.”

“I ain’t gonna force him into doin’ nothing, Kath,” he clarified.

“That wasn’t what I was trying to say. Just have a conversation with him. Be honest and he will be too.” 

“Says the lady who won’t even kiss the girl she knows is into her.” 

Kath let out an indignant huff. “Oh, and you say if I kiss Sarah Jacobs you’ll have a real, honest conversation about your feelings with Davey?”

“I might!” He counters, because neither of them is rather fond of backing down from any type of challenge.

“Alright, we’ll do it then!” Katherine regretted the words as soon as they flew out of her lips. She and Jack had a friendly sense of debate and competition that usually just helped expand their minds and improve themselves. But this time, all it seemed to lead to was backing them both into corners they were far too proud to back out of. “We’re doing this,” she reaffirmed, more for herself than him. “I will talk to- and kiss, hopefully- Sarah, tonight, and you will do the same with Davey, tomorrow.”

“Fine,” Jack surrendered. “But I ain’t gonna get a chance to talk to him until later, so be warned that you won’t be having any scoop until night, at least.”

“I can live with that.” She stuck out her hand for him to shake. “Deal?”

He took the hand, still wary. “Deal.”

“Good. Just one more thing before I go.”

“Yeah?”

She grabbed the paintbrush out of his hand, dipped it in the open paint can, and smeared a line of blue over his cheek. “Revenge.” 

The look of betrayal on Jack’s face was enough to make her start laughing. “Kath-” He grabbed the brush back out of her hand, but Katherine knew better than to stay around to see what he'd do. This could turn into a full fledged paint war, fast, and if she had any intentions of seeing Sarah that night she needed to not be covered in paint. 

“Gotta go Jack love you bye,” she said, all in one breath, and ran out of the fire escape.

She was met with a laugh as soon as she slipped in the window. “Ya got some paint there, Kath,” Crutchie commented.

“Jack has more on his face. I won.”

He laughed. “Good on you, Kath. Somebody’s gotta stop him from attacking people with paint.”

“It's a duty I had to accept.”

They shared a smile and a second of silence. “...How is he?” Crutchie asked, slowly.

What could she tell him? It wasn't her information to share. But Jack was almost definitely going to tell him soon. “He's… Doing alright. I suppose. It's been a long day, but he's figuring it out.”

“‘Figuring it out’...” Crutchie repeated, more to himself than to her. “Pretty vague, Kath.”

“Sorry, Crutchie.” She rested a hand on his shoulder. “He’ll tell you if you ask. I’m sure. It just isn’t my information to share.”

He smiled, no more than half genuine. “Sure. Night, Kath.”

“Goodnight, Crutchie. “

********

Katherine’s wool shawl wasn’t enough to keep the chill from seeping into her bones as she made her way to the Jacobs’ apartment building. She pulled it closer around her body and watched her warm breath curl in the cold air. It was so cold that she briefly considered turning back, but she was almost there. There was a shorter passage around the building that Sarah had shown her, leading up the fire escape and into the window Jack was fond of entering through. 

She turned the corner into the dark alleyway, boots hitting the cobblestone as her stomach turned with unexplainable wariness. Her eyes rose to see two figures speaking in the low light, one with long hair half pulled into a half bun with the rest cascading down her back and the other with shoulder-length, clearly lighter hair. The one with shorter hair cupped her hand around the other’s face, and, within a second, the two’s lips met in the middle.

Katherine blushed. This was clearly _not_ something she was meant to see. She resolved to simply go around the long way, but then the couple shifted just enough for her to see the face of the girl with longer hair. She could hardly contain the small yelp begging to escape her throat.

 _Sarah_.

Her Sarah, kissing someone. Kissing a girl. Kissing a girl who _wasn’t Kath_.

Katherine immediately felt tears form in the corners of her eyes, and all she could think was _out out I need to get out_. Not caring how loud the echoes of her boots against the ground were, she ran. She darted out of that alleyway, away from the Jacobs’ building, away away _away_. She didn’t stop until she was outside her father’s mansion, legs burning and knees aching to buckle beneath her. Hidden behind a line of bushes where none of the staff would be able to see her, she finally let herself collapse. 

The brick wall scraped against her back as she slid down against it. Her well-manicured nails dug into her palms as if it would stop the image of Sarah with another girl kept repeating in her mind over and over again. She had no right to feel betrayed- Sarah was never hers to lose. But she had been _so sure_ that that afternoon had meant something to Sarah. The eye contact, the flirting, the near-minuscule space that had separated their faces… 

But no, no, Sarah didn’t love her. Sarah had someone else, someone better. And it was no surprise, really. Katherine must have come on too strong and scared her away. She’d implied too much, or done too little, or _something_. It was her fault, it had to be.

The chill of the night air bit into her arms through the shawl, reminding her of her surroundings. She needed to go inside- she would catch a cold if she didn’t- but she couldn’t bring herself to move. Let her get sick out here. It didn’t matter. 

A sob forced its way up her dry throat, but she swallowed it. She couldn’t let herself cry about this. Her teeth dug into the flesh of her palm and she tried desperately to keep the tears already freezing in the corners of her eyes from falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cause why not break kath's heart too
> 
> so i may or may not have stolen a bit of the newsbian storyline from that other newsbians fic i did but hey i love jealous katherine so:/
> 
> as i said i have no wifi where i am so I just wait around until i can go to the library to use the internet. that being said, i have no idea when ill have the opportunity to post the next chapter.
> 
> please tell me what you thought, especially seeing as, since im in a rush here, i barely edited this chapter, and have a great day!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy this fluff while it lasts my dudes

“Dinner was amazing, as usual, Mrs. Jacobs,” Jack complemented, grinning up at Davey’s mother. He was as charming as ever, Davey noted, as he dug his fingernails into the tablecloth. He just wanted to Jack to leave.

“Please, Jack, you can call me Esther.” The woman smiled, taking her plate to the sink. Davey followed suit, wanting more than anything for the dinner to be over already so that he didn’t have to keep looking at Jack. Of course, it was his own fault for letting Jack walk him home and stay for dinner. But it wasn’t like he could do anything else. Everything he’d done, all of the terrible things he’d said, _all_ of this to keep Jack’s friendship; he couldn’t ruin it now.

“A’ course.” Jack winked, before following Davey over to where he stood at the sink. The proximity was too much for him- why couldn’t Jack just _get out_? “Hey, Esther, mind if I borrow your son for a minute?” He asked, pointing to Davey with one thumb. _No no no no no no no_.

“Of course, Jack. But he’s not allowed to stay out all night again without telling me.” There was a hint of residual anger tinging her voice. She hadn’t been very happy, the day prior, when Davey had shown up at the apartment in the early morning with nothing but a cheap excuse about staying at the lodging house to cover his disappearance. He was just lucky the collar of his shirt hid most of the bruises on his neck.

“Alright, mama,” he promised, brain failing to come up with a way out of escaping the conversation, besides openly admitting that he didn't trust himself alone with Jack. He didn't trust himself to not blurt out all the secrets he’d been hiding, to not kiss Jack, the moment the other said a word.

Jack grabbed Davey’s arm. “Fire escape, Dave?” All Davey could do was nod weakly and follow.

As soon as the window shut behind them, Jack leaned against the metal railing overlooking the city and pulled out a cigarette. Davey propped himself up against the brick wall and took in the sight of Jack’s silhouette outlined by the full moon and stars. _Beautiful._ Smoke poured out from Jack’s lips, rising in the night air until it faded into nothing. Davey recalled the way those same lips had felt, pressed against his skin. It hurt so much to remember.

“It’s too late, Davey,” Jack announced, not looking back at him. Davey stepped forward, confused and intrigued at once.

“What?”

“What ya said, yesterday mornin’. Something like, if we kept sleepin’ together, one a’ us would fall in love. And I’m sayin’, it’s too late to prevent that.” His voice was pained. He crushed the barely used cigarette into the metal, extinguishing its flame. The sparks shone against the railing for barely a second before the orange faded to a dull black.

Davey stood silent for several long moments. “I don’t… What’re you saying, Jack?”

“Jesus Christ, Dave.” He buried his face in his hands. “Do I gotta spell it out for ya? You’re supposed to be the smart one.” He sighed. “Look, I’m tryin’ to say… You didn’t want us ta’ get feelings, but I did. And not just cause of what we did. I’ve had ‘em for a while.” Davey just looked at him, wondering if he could hear how fast his heart was racing. “…You just gonna stare? That’s kinda creepy, Dave.”

“You-” Davey tried, the words dying on his tongue before he could even say them. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Jack _wasn’t supposed to love him_ , and even if he did, they weren’t supposed to talk about it. They _couldn’t_ talk about it. It would ruin _everything_ \- “You don’t have feelings for me.”

Jack snorted. “Oh, yeah, thanks for tellin’ me, Dave. Cause you’re clearly the person who knows most about what I’m feelin’.”

“I didn't mean-” Davey cut himself off. He wanted this conversation to be over. He wanted to walk away, keep distancing himself from his problems like the goddamn coward he was. “I meant, you can't. You- you took other people there. Not just me. It didn't mean anything to you.”

“Why is this so fuckin hard for you to grasp, Dave?” Jack’s hands were buried in his hair, pulling against the short strands. “I had sex with other people cause I wanted sex. I had sex with you because I wanted _you_.” The words were so broken and sincere and Davey wanted to believe them so much. “David…” That name again. It made his chest sting. “Dave, I didn't come here to throw a wrench in this perfect plan you devised to keep our friendship intact and completely ignore what happened. But something _did_ happen and I ain't gonna let you pretend like it didn't. We gotta talk about this.”

Davey turned away. “No, we don't.” _Coward coward coward_.

“Davey, _please_!” Jack grabbed Davey’s shoulder, but let go the moment Dave turned around. “Please. I just- look, Davey. I ain't never gonna touch you again if ya don't want me to. I know all a’ this is different and dangerous and I'm sorry that we did something that's gotta change things. But Davey, please, I gotta know… Did it mean somethin to you, too?”

Davey shut his eyes, begging them to stay dry. “Jack-”

“Do you love me, Davey?”

“Yes, Jack. I told you that yesterday.” It was only a half-truth, but it was all he could trust himself to say.

Jack’s eyebrows furrowed. “You know that ain’t what I meant.” Davey continued staring at his white knuckles clasped around the metal banister. “Davey…” Jack rested a hand on his arm. He was only visible in Davey’s peripheral but even the blurred image of his face bore a far more tragic expression that Davey ever wanted to see his friend wear. “Are you in love with me?”

“Jack-” _No no don't answer don't admit it_. He lifted one hand to his head, fingers winding around his hair and pulling at the strands until his scalp ached. It was easier than talking. “Jack…” He repeated, barely a whisper. “Yes, Jack. I am.” The crack in his voice was far too audible.

“Oh.” And, with an unsure smile, “Good.” He bit his lip. “Why’d you say you weren't?”

“Because…” Davey used one hand to wipe away the few tears that had escaped his eyes. “Because I thought I was just some other boy you’d had sex with, because I didn't want you to know you meant something to me when I meant nothing to you.” He exhaled, all the reasons he didn't want Jack to know resurfacing. “Because we could be arrested for this. Because I don't want my family to hate me. Because I'm a coward, Jack.”

“You're the bravest person I know.”

Davey grinned for the first time that night. “Liar.”

Jack returned the smile, if cautiously. “Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration. But still, one a’ the bravest.” He nudged Davey with his shoulder. “You ain't a coward for bein scared a’ this stuff. I am too, if you believe it. The world ain't fair, and it shits on people who are different. It's all about whether or not it's worth the risk.” The question lay unsaid: _Are we worth the risk?_ Davey ached to answer: _Yes, yes of course we are._ But he couldn’t say a word. “Like I said, that's what I wanted to know.” Jack stepped away, disappointment written over his features. “So, I can be going if you don't wanna-”

Jack’s words were silenced as Davey pressed a kiss to his mouth. _Stupid stupid stupid_. He stepped away a second after, fingers moving to dance over his lips. “I'm sorry.”

Jack’s eyes fluttered open, gazing up and down over Davey's features before settling on a loose nail on the railing. “Sorry for what? You regret kissing me, or are you sorry you didn't ask first? Or are you sorry that that’s the only time you’re gonna do that?”

“No I wasn’t- I wasn’t apologizing about the kiss. Or, only a bit.”

“Then for what?” Jack wasn’t looking at him.

“The things I said to you, yesterday. I never actually apologized for it.”

Jack’s smile was cautious. “Really, Dave. It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. You didn’t deserve that. I was scared and angry at myself and I said so many things I didn’t mean.” He clasped his hands around the cuffs of Jack’s sleeves. The fabric was stiff and real and worked to ground him in the moment.

Davey loved the feeling of Jack’s hand in his hair as he looped one of the longer strands around his finger. “Look, Davey. You messed up and you hurt me. But, remember the strike? I messed up and hurt you, then. We’re gonna do stupid things and that might hurt sometimes. We just gotta be able to talk about this stuff and not bottle it away, and we’ll work it out. Promise.”

Davey nodded, slowly at first but faster as he comprehended what Jack had said. “You’re right. We can make this work.”

Jack smiled and placed a hand over Davey’s. “And we gotta lot of time to figure all this out. Just tell me what you want, Davey.”

He was quiet for a moment. “Can I kiss you again?”

Jack grinned. “Yeah, Davey. You can.”

And then Jack’s lips were warm against his, a harsh separation from the cold. Jack’s arms looped around his torso, pulling him against the other’s chest. “My David,” Jack murmured against his lips. 

Davey smiled. “I like it when you call me that.”

“I like callin’ you that.” He rested his hands on Davey’s hips. “It’s a nice change.”

Davey hummed in assent, making both sets of lips buzz. He kissed Jack for several more seconds before the realization set in. They could easily be found by any of his family members who so much as looked out the window. “Jack, stop-” He put a hand on Jack’s chest and pushed him away. It was surprising how fast Jack stepped back. 

“Shit, Dave, did I do something wrong?” He shoved his hands in his pockets.

Davey shook his head. “No, it’s just, my family-” He pointed to the window. Jack nodded, understanding. “Should we go to the roof?”

The sparkle in Jack’s eyes was bright enough to guide Davey up the dark staircase.

*******

“Dance with me?” The words, although barely a whisper, shattered the gentle quiet of the rooftop where they’d been lying on their sides, facing each other. They’d spent most of the time kissing (though not going much further than that; there were certain things Davey didn’t want to do on the roof of his family’s apartment building) and the rest just admiring each other. There was a lightness Davey found in his chest that came with looking at Jack and knowing he was his.

Davey blinked twice, not comprehending what Jack has said. “What?”

“I asked if ya think we should dance.” Jack was staring up the stars, his face doused in moonlight. Davey wished he had Jack’s artistic skill so he could capture all the lights and darks of that beautiful face.

Realizing he’d been staring, he answered. “I’m a terrible dancer.”

“I’ll make up for it.”

“You aren’t much better.”

Jack shoved his shoulder with a grin. “Shaddup.” He pushed himself up off the ground, and a moment later he was extending a hand to Davey, offering to pull him up. “And, anyway, this ain’t none a’ that tap stuff the boys do. Just your regular, cliche romantic dancin’. Even we can handle that.”

Davey let himself be pulled off the ground and into Jack’s arms. “We don’t have any music,” he complained, even as he put his hands on Jack’s waist and moved closer to him.

“Who needs it?” He raised his wrists to rest on Davey’s shoulders, looking reluctant. “I don’t see why _I_ gotta be the follow, though.”

“I’m taller. I get to lead.”

“Ain’t fair,” he mumbled, shifting closer to Davey anyway. They swayed back and forth to the sounds of the city at night: wheels on cobblestone, drunken laughter, the scurrying of small animals and the fluttering of bird’s wings. “David?”

“Yeah?”

He looked up at Davey. “The dancing… it was kinda a stupid idea.”

Davey agreed, but, at the same time, he’d been enjoying the closeness. “Do you want to stop?”

“Nah.” Davey spun him once before pulling him back against his chest, where Jack spoke again. “Tell me somethin’, Davey.”

“Like?”

“I dunno.” The words were more of a mumble than a coherent sentence. Davey figured Jack was half-asleep on his shoulder at that point. “Somethin’ you want. Somethin’ you’se scared of. Just… somethin’ I don’t know about ya.”

Davey hummed, scouring his brain for something to share. “I-” An idea in his mind, he stumbled over words trying to figure out how to phrase it. “Remember, right after we first met, when you would come over and flirt with Sarah?”

“Yeah. She was never really interested though. One a’ the few who can resist this charm.” Jack winked and Davey rolled his eyes.

“Well, I don't think I had feelings for you, at that point. I barely knew you. But I do remember really, _really_ hating it when you flirted with her. It made me sick, and at first I thought it was just because she was my sister and I was worried for her, but whenever she was interested in other people, it never felt like _that_. And then, of course, you moved on to Katherine. And I still got that feeling, but it wasn't as bad. I think I could take you being in love with Kath because I’m not related to her. But if you and my sister ever-” Davey winced, just thinking of it. The same sick feeling resurfaced. “I think it would break me.”

Jack was quiet for a moment. Then he gently pressed his lips to Davey’s, a slow, steady kiss. “You ain't gotta worry about that, David,” he whispered, breath warm against Davey’s ear. “Cause here’s my somethin’: yeah, I thought Sarah was smart an’ pretty an’ nice an’ all that. And I did like her. But I was only flirtin’ with her cause I thought I could never have you.”

Warmth bloomed in Davey’s stomach and he grinned, moving to rest his forehead against Jack’s. “I love you.” He adored the way Jack smiled when he said the words.

“I love this,” Jack responded, pressing a short kiss to the corner of Davey’s lips. They continued the gentle swaying motion, ignoring everything around. There was no room for reality, Davey thought, in the world of him and Jack.

But it couldn’t last forever. “I need to go inside. Mama will be mad I stayed this long as is.” Pointedly ignoring Jack’s pout, he continued, “You should stay over. My family won't mind.”

Jack leaned into Davey’s shoulder. “I would love ta’, Davey, but I promised Kath that I would go talk to her before turnin’ in.”

Davey tried to ignore the sense of disappointment in his chest. He loved sleeping next to Jack. But it was okay. Jack loved him, and they would have plenty of nights to spend next to each other. “Alright, Jacky. I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

“Yeah.” He stepped away but his fingers were still laced with Davey’s. “Carryin’ the banner.”

Davey grinned and squeezed his hands once before letting go. “Carrying the banner.”

That night, for the first time as long as he could remember, Davey fell asleep truly happy, completely unafraid, and hopelessly in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Foreshadowing? I don't know her.
> 
> Anyway wow look at me posting two chapters on consecutive days. impressive. i apologize if these is bad or if it just /way/ too cliche in my defense i was writing it in an art museum while old people stared and judged me.
> 
> happy birthday jesss, i love you and im sorry for the angst last chapter hopefully this sort of makes up for it!! (also idk if we're in the same time zone but hopefully either way this gets posted before midnight for you)
> 
> please tell me your thoughts (seriously, was this too cliche? i was just in the mood to write some fluff and it went way overboard) and have an amazing day!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: this takes place before the previous two chapters because i planned this fic very badly. (i mean, more like during chapter 4 but before the ending of chapter 4? you'll figure it out)  
> it mostly just a heart to heart between sarah and her friend with benefits
> 
>  
> 
> also sorry i disappeared for like a week (which isnt much but for me it is okay) i have actual reasons but like... the Life is strange prequel released and im FREAKING OUT  
> if y'all havent played life is strange yet PLEASE leave AO3 right not and go onto steam the first episode is free and guys theres TIME TRAVEL AND LESBIANS!!!! also i cried. a lot. throughout the whole game and the prequel. im so gay for rachel amber. if you dont want to play it, geek remix on youtube does a really good playthrough.  
> but yeah please appreciate this game trust me its so good you will love it

_Sarah-_

_If you have the time, meet me behind your apartment building. Eleven pm. See you then._

_-V_

The fancy parchment sat heavy in Sarah’s hands. Her thumb smoothed over the folds of the paper and she smiled. It was the invitation to a bad habit- one that she should quit, she really should. But, god, when bad habits were so beautiful and perfectly distracting, why would she ever want to?

She had found the note tucked in her basket after work at the factory, almost lost in her other possessions. It had been totally unexpected; their correspondence had run rather dry in the past few weeks. And, despite the surprised gasp that had escaped her mouth when she read the note, she was definitely happy.

The quiet snoring of three people in the apartment told her it was late enough for her to go. She knew- from past experience, specifically- that she should not leave the house at night when her mother and father were awake to hear. _It isn’t safe for a young lady_ , they’d said. And they weren’t wrong, exactly, but she could handle herself.

…And yet , it would probably be smart to let someone know where she was beforehand.

“Davey,” she whispered, shaking his shoulder. “Daveyyyy.”

“Sarah, quiet.” He pushed her away with one hand. “I’m trying to sleep.”

“Oh, bullshit,” she called him out. The curse fell from her mouth like any other word would, but she could practically hear her mother’s surprised gasp, if she’d ever said it in front of her. “You never sleep before midnight.”

“Maybe I’m trying something new.” He sat up and crossed his arms. The way his hair was sticking out in every direction and falling over his face made her suppress a grin.

“You’re grumpy at eleven pm.” She lowered her voice even further. “I’m going out. Cover for me if mama and papa wake up.”

“‘Out’?” He pushed his tousled hair out of his eyes, eyebrows furrowed. “Where?”

She winked and put a finger up to her lips. “I have secrets, Davey.” He looked wary, mouth opened in an attempt to protest. She cut him off before he could even speak. “Oh, and like you don't have your own, Mr. ‘I spent the night at the lodging house’. Cover your bruises better next time, dear brother.”

He looked away, face turned pink. She hadn’t actually planned on bringing it up, especially considering the idea of her brother engaged in anything vaguely sexual made her nauseous. But she couldn't help but wonder who on earth Davey found worthy enough to sleep with. He barely had any female friends, aside from Kath, (it wasn't with Kath, right? No, no, definitely not. Sarah could be sure of that. Yeah.) and she knew he wasn't the type to have sex with someone random. “Sarah…” He groaned, putting his head in his hands. “I don’t want- Can we not talk about that please?” She nodded, relenting. Interrogating him wasn’t her main goal at the moment. “I just want to make sure you won't get yourself hurt.” 

“You don't believe in your own sister’s ability to handle herself?” She molded her face into a pitiable expression she’d used quite a lot in her childhood. She just stared at him, wide-eyed and pouting, and knew he would give in. 

A moment later, he sighed. “Just… please, be careful. Okay?”

“Of course, Davey.” She pressed a kiss to the top of his head, right at the hairline. “Get some sleep.”

He smiled. “I’ll try.” He turned away from her and whispered, “Goodnight, Sarah.” 

“Goodnight, Davey,” she responded with a smile, just before slipping out of the window, into the night. 

“Hello, Sarah.” The voice met her ears the moment she reached the bottom of the fire escape. Low and feminine at the same time, it carried a playful lightness that made Sarah’s stomach tighten. She’d missed that voice. “You’re five minutes late.”

“You have to wait on good things. You should learn that, Venus.” She teased, finally meeting the taller girl’s light green eyes with her own. Beautiful, definitely, with dark makeup lining the corners and making them appear even wider and brighter. _But so unlike Katherine’s-_ -That wasn’t what she should be thinking about now. “When are you planning to tell me your real name? The Venus thing is getting ridiculous. It’s a terrible pseudonym.”

Venus laughed, stepping forward to wind her fingers around Sarah’s. It was reminiscent of their first meeting, at Kath’s birthday party, as fate had had it. They were both tipsy- well, being honest, flat out drunk would be a better description. Venus had flirted, and so had Sarah, and she’d taken Sarah’s hand, and then they’d gone outside… One thing led to another, and Sarah was left with puffed, pink lips, a note with a scribbled address, and a new friend.

“Oh, but what would you see in me outside the allure of mystery?” She laughed again, a much sharper sound than Kath’s. Where Venus’s was short and cool, Katherine’s was more of a high-pitched collection of giggles that was indescribably beautiful.

“I can think of a few things.” She traced her fingers over the other’s cheekbone, before closing the distance between them in a kiss. It was so incredibly effortless and comfortable by now, unclouded by fear and the importance she staked on every word to Katherine.

Her mind silenced as Venus kissed her, warm and open-mouthed, before moving to other areas of her skin. Sarah was leaning into a kiss pressed to her jaw when Venus spoke again. “You’re fantastic, Sarah.” 

Sarah hummed. “Am I?”

“Certainly.” She ran her hand down the side of Sarah’s neck and over her shoulder. “You are, in all honesty, one of the best kissers I've ever met.”

“You say that to all of your girls.”

Venus laughed. “I've been being more careful lately, what with my reputation being questioned. You are the only girl, as of late.” Sarah felt herself blush. Despite her complete lack of romantic inclinations towards the other girl and Venus’s similar lack of feelings for her, knowing she was wanted so exclusively was… amazing.

“You aren't falling for me now, are you?” Sarah joked before kissing the other again. 

Venus’s laugh made her lips buzz. “As charming as you may be, dear, I don't fall in love. Sorry to disappoint.” 

“You're lucky, then.” She hadn't meant to tamper with the light mood with such a dark tone and she cringed when she heard her words said, flat and monotone. 

Venus stepped away into the light, smudged lipstick adorning a sympathetic frown. Wisps of dark gold hair floated away from her head, evidence of where Sarah had mussed it, and green eyes glittered under the streetlight. “You're still in love with Katherine- that's her name, isn't it?” 

Sarah glanced away. “Don't even frame it as a question, I see.” She laughed, but it faded quickly. “Yeah. I am.” 

“Does she feel the same?”

“Would I be out here kissing you if she did?” She regretted the venom in her tone when she saw Venus’s calm façade crack into sadness for a moment before reverting to passive. “I didn't mean- You’re more than- I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.” She sighed. “I'm just…”

“Sad and in love?” Venus smiled again, although wobbly, and Sarah was quick to return it. “It's alright, Sarah. It rarely occurs to me that people like you will move on and gain romantic feelings for one person with whom you'll stay permanently.”

“It isn’t often I think about it, myself,” Sarah replied. She knew that if she and Kath- if she and _anyone_ \- were to ever seriously be together, she would end whatever she had with Venus. But there was something so comforting about their relationship that she didn't want to lose. _Bad habit_ , she’d always considered it, but _god_ , would she miss it when it was gone. “We would still be friends though, when I do?”

“We already are friends, Sarah. But as for what you mean…” She grinned. “Of course we would. Why would I let such a wonder go? You know, Sarah, you are as magnificent to talk to as you are to kiss.” She took Sarah’s hands in her own. “And while I am completely sincere about that…” She trailed off.

Sarah furrowed her eyebrows. “What?”

“I'm leaving for Europe. Rather soon, in fact. What with my reputation at stake, my family has decided it’s best that I have a fresh start on another continent.” Her gaze shifted to the side and Sarah moved to meet it. There was a sadness in Venus’s expression- one that was almost always either amused or indifferent- and it made Sarah’s chest ache.

“You're letting your family decide your life? That doesn't sound like you.” Sarah lifted her hand to rest on the other’s shoulder. 

Venus’s smile was sad. “Not my family so much as their inheritance. I still rely on their money. And it isn't the worst thing; I have very few people in this country that I still care for, you being one of them. And my family won't be able to watch me as closely in England or France or wherever I'm being shipped off to. All the more girls to meet, I suppose.” Sarah was apparently more transparent with her emotions than she’d known, as, a moment later, Venus rested a hand on her face as a form of comfort. “I'll write you, I promise. Because I'm fond of you, of course, but also because I am rather invested in the tale of you and Katherine by now. You better keep me updated with what happens between the two of you.”

Sarah’s lips cracked into a genuine smile. “I will.”

“Do you want to talk about her now?”

Sarah shook her head once. “This could be the last time I see you. Kiss me.”

“That sounds like an excuse to get out of discussing your problems.”

“Kiss me.”

“Really not a healthy way to deal with what's bothering you.” Venus teased, but gave her no time to reply again before closing the distance and kissing her.

The sensation of Venus’s lips on hers left everything else a blur, but still, Sarah could have sworn she heard the sound of boots on cobblestone, sprinting in the opposite direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so I need Advice. basically i need a boy for kath to date (obviously not permanently, this is a newsbians fic of course) and it can't be jack or davey. it really doesn't matter much who it is besides that.
> 
> ALSO so if i didnt make this clear Venus is aromantic and also im really obsessed with her now like i want to write a story about her moving to europe and hooking up with all these girls and becoming really good friends with some of them and going on adventures with them and becoming really close with one of them and they dont fall in love (obviously) but they end up in this basically queerplatonic relationship and venus stays friends with sarah and basically is just happy i love her  
> (also im not aromantic, i just did some research about it, but if anyone of those ideas sound inaccurate please let me know)
> 
> okay this note is getting far too long but there were still things i wanted to say?? i dont remember what now. sigh. basically i love you all please leave me comments im dying cause of school and need encouragement. hope you are all having a good end of summer/start of the school year!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so there is a LOT of homophobic language in this one (and a bit of sexism too, that whole toxic masculinity- based sexism) cause ya know this is 1899 but just thought to give you a warning.

Jack left Davey’s apartment feeling like he could fly. His cheeks were pink, he wore an unwavering grin, his whole body was warm. _I love him I love him I love him I lov-_

“Kelly, didn’t your mama ever tell ya that wanderin the streets at night ain’t safe for girls?” Jack’s smile dropped immediately upon hearing the voice. Oscar Delancy, Manhattan’s favorite cowardly bully. “Oh, I forgot she’s dead,” Oscar added, reminding Jack of another topic he wasn’t too fond of. One of his fists clenched at his side. But, no, he wasn’t going to let anyone get in the way of his good mood. And anyway, there were no merits of getting into a petty fight so late in the evening.

“Well, she’s better off than your ma. Easier bein’ dead than living knowin’ you gave birth ta’ a pair a’ shits like you and your brother,” Jack responded, crossing one foot over another so he turned to face Oscar. He shoved his hands in his pockets, only pull them out a second later brandishing a comforting cigarette and a matchbox. Delancy’s eyebrows furrowed and his lip curled in an ugly goddamn sneer. No, Jack just _really_ wasn't feeling it that day. “Look, boys, I ain't in the mood for fightin’ tonight. Let's just be civil and wait ‘til tomorrow. Maybe then, when it's light enough to see your ugly mugs, I’ll be more inclined ta’ fight.”

Morris’s hand curled around brass knuckles as his brother stepped forward to speak. “Oh come on, Jackie,” Oscar taunted and Jack felt his fists clench. He'd always hated that nickname, due to the typically condescending manner in which it was spoken, but Davey had come and reclaimed it, made Jack love it again. He wasn't going to let some pompous scabber in a fedora ruin that for him. “Don't assume we’se only here ta’ pick fights. Maybe we just wanna talk.”

“I didn't think your brother knew how to.”

Oscar’s eyebrows furrowed further and he stepped around Jack, Morris in tow, to block the exit. Their features were almost completely obscured in the darkness that fell over their faces, casting long shadows in front of them to where Jack stood. “You can make up fa’ him. I get plenty a’ questions I wanna ask you.”

Jack took a long drag of his cigarette. “Fire away.”

Oscar seemed to get increasingly frustrated by Jack’s indifference, which was just terribly entertaining. Jack needed to engage him when he was too tired to fight more often. “Alright, Jack, how long have ya been a queer?”

“How long have you?” Jack hated the words as they left his mouth, much faster than the steady stream of smoke that floated out with them. It wasn’t the first time he’d been called queer- the word was so commonly thrown about as an insult that it’s hardly meant anything. But Jack knew what it did mean- that it did apply to himself (he liked boys _and_ girls, but still). It made him sick to use the term, or even imply it, like he was betraying himself and Davey and Kath and all the others he knew were in the same situation. But insults had to be thrown, he’d learned, and boys were cruel. “Look, boys, I ain’t got time for this. Throw slurs on your own time.”

“You seemed to have plenty a’ time when you were kissin’ your pal Davey on the fire escape earlier.” Oscar clicked his tongue with a grin and Jack could just _tell_ how proud the bastard was of himself. He’d wanted to have something on Jack for ages and now he did. Jack’s fists curled tighter but he willed himself not to move. Any reaction would just confirm whatever small thing the Delancy’s knew.

“I dunno about that, Oscar. I just know the only thing you’ll be kissin is the sidewalk if you and your brother don’t step the fuck out of my way, right now.” The butt of Jack’s cigarette hit the pavement and he crushed it into the ground with the heel of his shoe. He straightened to his full height, chest out and fists clenched, and sneered. _If this is gonna be a fight, then it’s a fight_.

Oscar leaned back on his heels and grinned, calm, as if he wasn’t the fucking instigator. It only served to make Jack grit his teeth more. “Kelly, you was the one who said we wasn’t gonna fight, right? We ain’t gotta make this rough.” But Jack could see the way he danced the fingers of one hand over the brass knuckles on the other, a matching set with his brother’s. And all Jack had was his fists and a corner to back into. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jack consented, not letting his posture fall. “So if all ya wanted to do was accuse me of being a queer, can we go our separate ways? I’ll make sure to give you the punch for it tomorrow.” _When I’m not outnumbered and cornered in a fucking alleyway, two to one against guys with weapons._ Jack Kelly wasn’t one to back down from a challenge, but he wasn’t an idiot. And he did know when to stop. Sometimes. 

He stepped forward, but Morris blocked his way. “Shoulda known Davey was a queer. He's got the right look for it.” Oscar laughed at his brother’s comment and walked up next to him, smirks matching.

“What the fuck do you want?” Jack snarled, now within a foot of the other two boys. Whatever they knew, Jack would deny it, fix it, _something_. Maybe Davey never had to find out what they knew. Maybe Jack could make the problem go away-

“Workin’ ain't been too good for us, since your strike.”

“Ya picked the wrong side. That ain’t my fault,” Jack spoke through gritted teeth. He missed the steady motion of bringing a cigarette to his lips and the feeling of smoke in his lungs. He regretted extinguishing it so quickly. “So, what then? You spread some rumor about me screwing guys? Ain’t the first time it’s happened. And it ain’t like you got proof.”

“Maybe not,” Oscar conceded, still with that shit-eating grin. “But I don’t think Davey would be too happy with you if we spread around that rumor.”

 _Fuck. Fuck._ “You tryin to ruin one a’ my friendships cause you ain't gettin paid as much you want?” _And they could. They absolutely could. Davey would-_

“Maybe, Kelly.” Morris leaned closer to him and Jack didn't know how he would make it another minute without punching at least one of them in the face. “What would you do about it?”

 _Pick your battles, Jack. Not here._ The voice in his head sounded suspiciously like Davey’s. The kid always hated unnecessary violence. “I could beat ya down, right now. Make it hard for you to talk at all.” 

“Word would still get out. Ya sell papers, shouldn’t ya know that?”

Jack could barely speak through his gritted teeth. “Look, I dunno what you think ya saw but if you really think I’m in love with Dave, you’re even stupider than you act.” It tore at his heart to lie, but what else was he supposed to do? He had just found out that Davey loved him and like hell was he going to let anything ruin that. 

“Tell us the truth, _Jackie_.”

“Fuck you.” And Jack finally stepped forward, shoving Oscar away with a push that sent him staggering backwards. He watched as Morris raised fist adorned with brass-clad knuckles, only to be stopped when his brother laid a hand on his arm. 

“If you ain’t gonna be nice, Kelly, we could skip the rumor and just kill you _and_ Davey.” Oscar and his brother shared a grin, like it was some fucking _joke_. Of course, they wouldn’t _actually_ do it. They were assholes, no doubt, but Jack was sure the two of them didn’t have it in them to become murderers. But still, Jack could feel his stomach tie in a knot at the very idea.

“I ain’t gonna ask again, Delancy. Tell me what you’re aiming for or fuck off.”

“I ain’t really aimin for anythin. Just wanna let you know that we have the information.”

Jack gritted his teeth again, gaze cast downward. “You… you’se just tryin’ to ruin my friendship with Davey, right?”

“Ya can say that.”

“Well.” He inhaled, realizing the weight of what he was about to say. “Lemme do it for you.” The words fell from his mouth and hung dead in the air. He hated them so damn much, but they made sense, didn’t they? If Jack broke Davey's heart himself, what would the rumor matter? It wasn't like the other boy could hate him anymore.

“What?” Oscar questioned, looking intrigued.

“I know Dave. I can break him, make him hate me, so much better than ya ever could. Works out for ya, don’t it? Two strike leaders miserable and a friendship ruined.” He and Dave had been seen after less than _two nights_ together, Jack reminded himself. Had he really thought they could hide it forever? There was _always_ hate and it would _always_ rule. Davey had a future that was so bright. How could Jack live with himself if he let Davey risk it all, and for what? Feelings Jack had as a teenager? He couldn't do that to him.

“And what do you want out of it?” Oscar seemed to delight in it, the idea of Jack destroying his own relationship. The smug expression he wore made Jack’s stomach churn. _Disgusting._

“I get to do. All my own terms, no goddamn rumor.” _It’s better this way._ Jack tried to convince himself. _Have Davey’s heart broken by my words, rather than somebody’s else’s._ “And you _never_ lay a hand on him, got it?” Oscar was silent, so Jack spoke again. “We gotta deal?”

“What if one a’ us don’t uphold our side a’ the bargain?” He asked, stepping closer to Jack.

“Well, I dunno about what you’ll do if I don’t. But, if you break the deal-” Jack mirrored Oscar’s step forward. “-I _will_ kill you. And your brother.” Oscar opened his mouth to speak but Jack cut him off. “And don’t think I’m bluffing. Don’t doubt what I’d do fa’ my friends.” He paused. “Though, I could understand how you might not be able ta’ grasp that. It ain’t like you got friends to compare to.”

Oscar sneered, but stuck out his hand to shake. “Fine, Kelly. We won’t say nothin’. Just cause I wanna see you fuck up something so important for you. Good entertainment.”

Jack considered what the exact repercussions of refusing the handshake and punching the other boy in the face instead. But, no, for both his own well being and Davey’s- and Davey’s would always be the most important- he had to do this. 

He took Oscar’s hand in his own and winced at the contact. He had never wanted to touch the other boy unless it came in the form of his hand imparting a painful blow on the other’s face. But here he was. “Now,” he said, pulling away from the handshake as soon as possible. “Get the fuck out of my way.”

“Sure thing, Kelly.” Oscar tipped his hat, still smirking as he and his brother stepped out of the way. Jack gave him a light shove as he passed, something that could be construed as an accident, despite his overwhelming desire to do much worse. There was no point in risking it, by then. No chance of a favorable outcome.

Jack walked, hands in pockets, out of the alleyway and into the open streets. He couldn’t go see Katherine as he’d planned- he couldn’t tell her the deal he’d just made yet. And he couldn’t return to the lodging house, not with all of the boys who knew nothing of what he and Davey had. That left-

The idea was stupid, but the temptation was strong. Seeing Davey one last time before he ruined things forever, well, it was far too much to resist. The idea felt like a magnetic pull, dragging him back to the fire escape he had scaled so many times in the past six months that it felt like a habit. To the window, open just a crack to let the air in, where he knocked on the glass once.

“Jack?” The name was muffled through the window and the face was impossible to see in the dark, but, nonetheless, Jack knew who it was immediately. The window pane creaked open and Davey leaned out, a smile brightening the tired features. “Did you decide to stay over?”

“Nah, Dave,” Jack whispered. The pit in his stomach only grew as he looked into those beautiful, light eyes, wrinkled in the corners by his grin. “Not tonight. I just left somethin.”

“Oh.” Davey stepped back, looking a bit disappointed. It made Jack’s heart ache just to see him with that barely dispirited expression; he could only imagine how he would look when Jack ended it. Fuck, it made him sick just to think about. “Come in.”

Jack stepped inside and closed the window behind him. The darkness was absolute, except for the small patch of moonlight that filtered through the window. He pushed aside the curtain separating Davey’s room from the hall and let the fabric fall behind him. “Hey, Davey,” He started once Dave had caught up with him. “Your family’s asleep?”

“Yeah,” Davey breathed, close enough to Jack so that they could whisper without waking anyone. 

“Good.” Jack rested his hands on Davey’s hips and leaned in towards him until their faces were separated by millimeters, leaving the act of closing the distance entirely up to Davey. Despite their closeness and Jack’s initiative in the kiss, he still gasped when Dave met his lips with his own.

Jack moved his hand to cup Davey’s face a few moments into the kiss. Every movement was slow and gentle and deliberate. Jack did everything he could to memorize the feeling of Dave’s lips pressed against his, the way the fabric of Davey’s nightshirt was soft in his fingers, the sound of the small gasps Davey made. It had taken that long for it to really sink in: this was likely the last night Jack would ever feel, hear, see Davey in this way. He wanted to cry.

He moved away, pressing a few short kisses to Dave’s mouth before stepping back completely. He watched as Davey’s eyes fluttered open, his mouth widening into a smile of unfeigned joy that seemed to highlight the pink of his cheeks. Jack envied how openly he could show his emotions without fear or worry. “I infer that’s what you came here for,” Davey managed to say after a moment.

“You can always figure me out, Dave.” He laced his fingers through Davey’s and wondered how he would live without this. _It’s for the best,_ He reminded himself. _Why should Davey be stuck with someone whom he can’t kiss without the cover of night? Someone he can’t take home to his parents? Someone who can never give him the world he deserves? It’s for the best._ The words sounded empty in his head.

Davey grinned, though it was just a bit more mischievous than usual, and bunched the fabric of Jack’s collar in his fist. “I consider it one of my better traits.” His eyes shimmered in the low light and before Jack could say another word, he was being kissed again. He melted into Davey’s touch, wrapping his arms around Davey’s shoulders. He shouldn’t be doing this, he told himself as he buried his fingers in Dave’s hair. It wasn’t fair to himself, or to Davey.

If he could only bring himself to care.

“Jack-” His murmur was cut off by Jack reconnecting their lips. “Jack,” Dave attempted once more, succeeding this time. “Stay.” The voice was a breathless whisper against Jack’s mouth. “Please.”

The desire to do exactly that tied Jack’s stomach in a knot. He wondered if the pain of ending this would ever subside. “Can’t, Dave.” He kissed him again, desperate to wipe the disappointment off of those sharp features. “Wish I could.”

“Tomorrow night?”

 _We might not be nothin’ by tomorrow night._ “Sure, Dave.” It hurt to see Davey’s smile, so easily convinced by Jack’s lie.

“Can’t wait.” Another kiss. “Goodnight, Jack.”

“Night.” He pulled himself away from Davey, trying not to wince. He walked back through the dark room, out the window, onto the moonlit fire escape. The cold air bit into the skin of his face, numbing. He turned away from the wind, back to face his best friend one more time. A hand cupped his face, a spot of warmth against the chill, and one last kiss was pressed to his mouth.

“I love you,” Davey murmured, eyes closed.

 _I love you, too._ He ached to say it. He couldn’t. “Goodbye, David.” He laced his fingers through Davey’s for just a moment before pulling away. He stared into Davey’s eyes, memorizing the way the moonlight reflected in his irises, the softness of his smile, the sound of his breathing. If this was all he got, he would imprint it in his mind to stay forever.

The window closed and he was left to the bitter cold of the night air. The first steps down the fire escape seemed to stretch on far longer than they should, as if his body protested from leaving the home, but he managed, step by step, to walk away. He felt himself detaching with every stair he descended, each leaving him more in a senseless daze than the last. By the time his feet hit pavement, he could hardly feel at all.

He took the long way home, and wondered if it was even possible to cry when he felt so numb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ngl I'm not a huge fan of this chapter i just needed some shit to go down so i could get the rest of the plot on the way (this is about halfway done- i know what the chapter count says but im estimating 15-16 chapters.)  
> I don't know how to write conflict where the two characters in conflict don't love (platonic or romantic) each other? I guess this is good practice though cause thats probably important for a writer. Cause, at this point, all I know about arguing with people I learned from Chloe Price (yes im bringing up Life is Strange _again_. Its a great game.)
> 
> Uhh anyway love you all thank you for staying on board with this complete trainwreck of a fic i promise it will resolve itself i have a whole outline written out and everything. please let me know what you thought, as always, and I hope your lives are all going wonderfully.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so ya know how ive been alternating POVs in a regulated way? yeah well im bad at planning so this one is in sarahs POV again and then two chapters from now will be kath, and it will continue to cycle normally from there
> 
> also warning the entire first paragraph is just describing kath because ~~I am~~ Sarah is really gay for kath

“Kath!” The noisy traffic of a New York street nearly drowned out Sarah’s call. The bustle of carriages and horse hooves and yells were so deafening that the sound barely reached her own ears, let alone Kath’s, but before she could worry that it may go unheard by the other girl, Katherine turned around to look at her. She looked regal in the cold, red cheeks a stark contrast to the pale canvas that was her face. A dark fur cloak cascaded elegantly over her shoulders, reaching about halfway down the length of her white, floor-length dress, and matched with the muff around her hands. If Sarah had been a child, she would have mistaken Katherine for a princess.

Perhaps, had she not been marveling at Kath’s appearance, Sarah may have focused more on her surroundings. But the street she was crossing was incredibly dull compared to her beautiful friend, so she wasn’t paying very much attention to it and, well, that resulted in her nearly being run down by a carriage. Well, maybe not ‘nearly’, but close enough that she suffered the embarrassment of having to shriek and jump out of the street in front of Katherine and whichever one of her high-class friends she was walking with today. (She was fairly certain his name was Darcy, but there were too many children of newspaper tycoons to keep track of.)

By the time Sarah reached where Katherine stood, the other girl was already stifling a laugh with one hand. “Good morning, Sarah,” she managed to say through a fit of giggles. “Have a nice trip over here?”

“I did, in fact.” She brushed off the front of her dress. “Carriages can be wildly unpredictable, you know.”

“Oh, I’m sure.” Kath’s dry tone was immediately challenged by her smile. “You’ve met Darcy, haven’t you?”

“Not formally.” She stuck out a hand for him to shake and he took it, smiling. “Sarah Jacobs.”

“Davey’s sister, I presume?” She nodded. “It’s nice to officially make your acquaintance.” He released her hand and turned to look at Kath. “You know, Katherine, it's lovely to meet one of your friends who isn’t keen on spit-shaking.”

Sarah laughed. “Well, I'm not as squeamish about it as my brother, but it's still not my go to method of greeting.” 

He gave her a smile and a nod in return. Katherine kept her eyes on him for a moment before turning to Sarah. “Is there any particular reason you’re here?” 

Sarah tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Oh, not really. I’m on my way to work and I saw you so-” She clutched the handle of the wicker basket in her hand. “Just thought I’d say hello.”

“Hello, then,” Katherine said, voice light. “Darcy and I were just going to brunch. I would invite you if you weren’t off to work, and…” She trailed off, then shared a quick glance with Darcy. It seemed to convey a conversation that Sarah couldn’t understand. She felt strangely isolated.

“…And if it wasn’t a specifically romantic endeavor.” Darcy finished for her.

Sarah’s eyes darted between the two of them, taking note of Katherine’s grim, downcast gaze and Darcy’s optimistic one, and tried to comprehend exactly what she’d just heard. “Are you-”

“Darcy and I are going together, Sarah.” Kath filled in for her, tone clipped. The smile on her face seemed so out of place next to the dullness in her eyes. Sarah could imagine her expression was far less contradictory. Her mouth hung open, eyebrows furrowed and she shook her head, slowly, just once. She didn't- Kath wasn't-

“Katherine, can I talk to you? Alone? Just for a second,” she asked once she could convince her mouth to form words.

“Oh, sure.” Surely, Sarah was just imagining the flicker of discomfort in Kath’s expression that told her she wanted exactly the opposite. She rested her hand on Darcy’s shoulder, somewhat awkwardly, seemingly a reassurance that she would only be gone a moment.

The two young women stepped off to the side, into the shadow of a store’s awning. The smell of freshly baked pastries floated out from the bakery they stood in front of, an aroma that was far too sweet to make Sarah feel anything but nauseous.

“Yes, Sarah?” Katherine asked, prompting Sarah to break the silence that had lasted far too long.

A piece of thread hung loose for her belt of fabric. Sarah wound it around her fingers, not minding the tightness as it cut off her circulation. “I just- you and Darcy- I didn’t know- When did that happen?” She forced her lips into a smile and her tone into one of excitement. It wasn’t her place to be anything but happy for Katherine. Just because she’d thought-

It didn’t matter what she’d thought. So what, there had been heavy eye contact and gently touches. Clearly, she had misinterpreted the situation. Katherine didn’t feel the same.

“Just yesterday, actually. I thought about what you said about marriage and men and finding someone who respects me.” _I respect you_. “And Darcy, well… My father likes him, I _like_ him. It- it works.”

“That- That’s good. Darcy, he seems great.” She trailed off at the end. She couldn’t fake happiness, not as she saw the woman she loved settling for someone who she only liked. But she knew, it wasn’t her place to say. So why did she, against her better judgment, have to continue? “But… what about love? Isn’t being with someone you love- I always that was worth something to you.” She should stop. Her words weren’t those of a friend, but those of a jealous girl who had fallen for the wrong person. But why should she act as Sarah’s friend? She was _not_ Katherine’s friend. They were something else- goddammit, they were. They had to be. And Sarah couldn’t just let Kath marry a man she didn’t love.

_But it isn’t my choice._

Kath snorted and shook her head. “Yes, but what can I do? The logistics of actually marrying someone you love aren’t exactly good odds. I’ve given it a lot of thought. I’m pretty sure that Jack was my one chance to fall in love with someone who loves you back and marry them. And I just don’t love him.” She sighed. “But I could love Darcy, in time.” Kath nodded, though it seemed more in an attempt to convince herself than to convince Sarah. “But, hey!” She smiled. It still seemed empty. “I’m not saying I’m going to marry Darcy. I- We’ve only been out together once, not including today. I’m just… trying to figure things out.”

Sarah ran her hand down the side of Katherine's arm. “Well, whatever you decide, I’m happy for you.” She wasn’t. Her face was hot and her stomach was turning and tears burned in the corners of her eyes. ‘Happy’ was about as far away from how she felt as it could be. “Well, you should get back to your beau. And I have work you’re keeping me from.”

Katherine took Sarah’s hand in her own and squeezed it once before letting go. Her palm felt cold without the touch. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I’ll see you soon.”

“See you.”

She didn’t look back once as she walked away. What kind of heartbroken idiot would she look like if she let Katherine see the tears streaming down her face?

******

The metallic flavor of blood stained Sarah's tastebuds as she sucked on her finger where she’d been cut. She grimaced at the taste and the reminder of how she’d gotten the near insignificant injury. It was a result of her carelessness; it wouldn’t have happened if she had been concentrating on work rather than pining over some girl.

She sighed and wound a small piece of cloth around the wounded digit. She wasn't new to the small injuries that came with working the dangerous textile machines, but they still stung. She had gotten better at navigating the needles and thread so that she could avoid most wounds, but the number of thoughts that swirled through her head left her focus far from perfect that day. 

But surely, she thought as taped the gauze in place, she hadn't been wrong about Katherine and her? That Tuesday afternoon, the smiles and flirting, the proximity, the unspoken syllables- surely, _surely_ , Sarah hadn't been the only one enamored.

_Apparently, I was._

She stood up from the bench as the bell rang, signaling the start of her thirty-minute lunch break. She didn't have much with her as, considering the cold weather that hung over the city like a slow-killing poison, there wasn’t much in the house. Even though the chill bit into her skin, she still liked to go outside to eat. It wasn’t as if indoors was much warmer, and outside she could just to watch the people pass and forget all about her job, the one her family needed her to take so they could have any money, the poverty she’d been in since birth. 

People watching was a favorite activity of hers; she got to imagine backstories and personalities for every nameless citizen to cross through her line of sight. And, even better, sometimes one of the passersby would be a newsboy whom she knew, out selling. The two would talk for the duration of her break and, at its end, she would buy a paper from him. It was a small price to pay for companionship and information. 

"Hey, Sarah!" She turned her head, only to see none other than Jack Kelly walking her way. _Seems it's one of those days_. 

“Hi, Jack.” She called in response, more than happy to see someone who she could talk to. Discussion, rather than senseless work, was far more likely to get her mind off of Katherine. “What're you doing over here?”

“Ain’t gotta be so suspicious. I just wanna see my favorite Jacobs.” He winked and sat down next to her. His flirtatious tone was one she was familiar with, even fond of. He never actually meant what he said and, as someone fond of flirting herself, it was nice to be able to be able to tease someone without it being taken too seriously.

“Don’t let my brothers hear you say that. You’ll break their hearts.”

“Alright, favorite _female_ Jacobs,” he corrected.

“Do you not appreciate my mother’s cooking?”

He nudged her shoulder with his. “Ya tryin’ to bump yourself off the list?”

“Of course not.” She paused. “So where _are_ my brothers? Did you get sick of them and ditch them? If you did, I couldn't say I’d blame you.” She grinned and laughed with him. Yes, of course, she adored her brothers. But teasing was fun.

“That ain't my plan for today- soon, maybe.” He winked. “No, I actually came ta' talk to you.”

“Flattered, Jack,” She said, sitting back against on the brick wall behind her. "What do you need?"

“I just said you was my favorite Jacobs, I ain’t allowed ta’ just talk ta' you?"

“I know you adore me, Jack, but I don't believe you would walk all this way in the cold just to 'talk'.”

“Fair enough.” He watched as she unwrapped her lunch from the napkin she'd stored it in. “It's your lunch break, yeah?”

“Sure is.” She held out half of the sandwich. “Want some?”

“Am I a bad guy if I say yes?”

“Not at all.” She handed him the food. “So, what do you need from me?”

“I got this thing I need your help with, but it’s gonna sound weird. Just, stay with me.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Okay…”

“So, I kinda need you to pretend- to act like you an' me are going out.” He paused and, when she didn't respond, continued: “Like, a couple.”

“No, No, I understood,” she clarified. The statement itself was simple, but why the hell was she supposed to pretend to like him? Actually dating him would be one thing- given, one thing she probably wouldn't have _done _\- but to merely act like it seemed pointless. “Why?”__

__“It ain't nothin’ important. Just, the guys’ve been teasing me, plus now that I'm gettin' older Medda is actin' like she's my mother or something. She’s always askin' me about who I'm gonna marry ever since me and Kath-" Jack stopped speaking, and for a moment Sarah thought it was because of her fairly visible wince at the mention of Katherine's name. “Not- I ain’t askin' ya to fake marry me or nothin’. Just pretend to go out with me. And I mean, if you'se okay with it, is there really any harm? 'Improvin' the truth', like I say-”_ _

__“You're rambling, Kelly.”_ _

__He winced. “Sorry.”_ _

__“It's okay.” She swallowed a bite of her sandwich. “And you aren’t a half-bad liar, but I’m not Davey, and I don’t buy it. You threw out a bunch of plausible but far too vague reasons, which don’t really make up enough of a need for this. And, anyway, half the girls in New York City would jump at the chance to have a relationship with the famous strike leader Jack Kelly. Why would you ask me?”_ _

__“Damn, Sarah.” He looked over at her and grinned, hands fidgeting in his lap. “Sorry I ever that Davey was the brains a’ the family.”_ _

__“I accept your apology.”_ _

__“But you’re right. I mean, I wasn’t lyin’. The guys give me a lotta crap, and Medda _is_ gettin’ in my business lately. But, yeah, that ain’t it. And I can’t- I can’t tell ya why. You just gotta trust me.”_ _

__Sarah leaned back, pursing her lips. Did she trust Jack? He was her friend, definitely, he’d been amazing to Katherine when they were together and never resented her for the breakup, and he’d helped Davey in ways she didn’t even know. He was a good man who had his secrets. Just like her, just like everyone. “Why should I?” She asked, wondering how much information she could glean._ _

__“It’s for my own good- which don’t sound too good, I know, but I really, really need this. And it ain’t just for me. It’s for- it’s for someone else, someone ya care about, but I can’t tell ya who.”_ _

__She rolled her eyes and sighed. “That’s bullshit, Kelly.”_ _

__“Please, Sarah.”_ _

__She was prepared to say no. She had no interest in spending her time in a relationship that wasn't even real. But what did it matter, really? The person she was in love with, the only one she would ever at the time really wish to be with, was with someone else. So why shouldn't she do the same? “Alright, Jack.”_ _

__“You’ll do it?” He grinned. Despite the fact that that grin was both objectively and incredibly attractive, she couldn’t ever see herself falling for such a smile. Maybe it was that, her lack of interest, that made her a favorable candidate for Jack’s scheme; there was no chance of unrequited feelings by one party for the other. “You can’t tell nobody ‘bout this. Not Davey. Not- not anyone.”_ _

__“I’ll keep your secret,” she promised. And that could be fine, she thought, just pretending. She could go around, saying she was with a boy she would never truly love, easy. But, at that moment, it wasn’t enough. Her mind wandered to Katherine, as it so often did, being with, kissing, marrying someone else, living a life Sarah couldn't touch. She thought of Venus, leaving for Europe, not only a distraction lost but also a friend and confidante. She thought of the sinking feeling in her stomach when she realized that, along with her education, her school friends, a career outside of the textile mill, Katherine was something impossible for her to have. She hid her gritted teeth with a pursed lips. “I just have one question.”_ _

__“And that is?”_ _

__She let her gaze pass around her, ensuring there was no one around. Then she leaned in close, leaving only a breath between them. “Why pretend?” she whispered, surprised by how excited she was to see Jack grin._ _

__When she kissed him, she could almost pretend her heart wasn’t broken._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lets play the how many heartbroken characters can we have at once game. (One of the four still has his heart intact, but just wait for next chapter)
> 
> yeah so im really loving sarah and jack's banter i should write more of their friendship. preferably when they aren't fake dating to distract themselves from how much they've fucked up their respective relationships
> 
> anyway this isn't as edited as it should be but also i have writers block and im tired so bear with me. Love you all, tell me what you thought, and have a great day


	9. Chapter 9

Prior to befriending Jack, Davey never would have thought that he could feel so at home amongst a group of newsboys, all drinking and smoking and gambling. But there he was, perched on a bottom bunk, flanked by two boys on either side, watching as Race won round after round of poker. He laughed at the series of groans and shouts that erupted from the players as Race pulled another pile of chips towards him, giving no mind to the smoke that clung to his lungs. The feeling was almost familiar by then. His gaze passed over the room, lingering on Jack, whose wide grin was holding a cigarette in place. _Beautiful. I’d do anything for that smile._ He shook his head when he registered his own sappy thoughts. It was ridiculous, definitely, but wasn’t it something sort of amazing, to be so in love that he could think such ridiculous things?

"Fuck it," Albert mumbled, slamming his cards down after a particularly bad loss. "I quit. Let's just have a conversation. Talk about somethin'- how about Race's voodoo poker powers?" 

"You wouldn't need ta’ blame voodoo if ya wasn't such a shit player." Race commented, taking the change Albert handed him with a grin. Albert elbowed him in the arm.

While Davey himself didn't mind the strong language, he was glad for that he'd sent Les home earlier. The gambling sessions tended to be more for the older newsboys- even though the younger ones were close enough to be exposed to the language regardless. Davey supposed it didn’t matter much to them; growing up on the streets likely exposed the kids to far worse than a couple of swears. It was hard to him to remember that a lot of the children were the same age as Les- some even younger. Davey’s brother had made that argument plenty of times- the main reason he remembered at all- but like hell was he going to let his ten-year-old brother in a room with this type of behavior.

“I'll take a change a’ subject.” Jack took the cigarette out of his mouth and tapped its side against the pole suspending the top bunk. “I’m gettin’ bored."

“We ain't here ta' be your entertainment, Kelly.”

“I'd fire ya if you were. I'm fallin' asleep over here.”

“I got some news.” Race slipped a handful of money- likely earned deceitfully- into his pocket. “Somethin’ far more interestin’ than Albert’s whinin’.”

“Anythin’s more interestin’ than that,” Elmer commented, only to be met by an indignant yell from Albert.

“Shaddup and listen.” With a few sighs and groans, all eyes were turned towards Racetrack. “The other day, if I ain’t mistaken, I saw our own Davey Jacobs leaving what I will call, fa’ the sake of kids present, the ‘special apartment’.” A second after the words were spoken, all eyes turned to Davey. “Ain’t that right, Dave?”

Davey’s face was burning like someone had lit a match next to it, which did nothing to distract him from the all too familiar anxiety swirling in his chest. He looked everywhere but at Jack because, if he did, surely they would know, they’d figure out- _No, they wouldn’t. You will be fine. It will be fine._ He repeated the short phrases in his mind. He breathed in, then out. There was no need to worry. Jack had left the building far after he did, no one saw them together, Jack loved him, they would be fine.

His thoughts had been loud enough to nearly drown out the chorus of questions that arose from the boys, but he managed to catch the tail end of the yells.

“Really, Dave? With who?”

“Davey? No way.”

“How’d he even know where it was?”

“Damn, lucky. I ain’t been there in ages.”

“Why didn’t he tell us?”

The eyes on him increased the pressure he felt like a weight on his chest. “I-” Davey cut off their inquisitions, with the full intent of maintaining denial. “I have no idea what Race is talking about.” He averted his gaze and awkwardly took a sip from his glass of water. When moving to the floor, his eyes lingered on Jack for just a moment and couldn’t help but notice the stony, unreadable expression he wore. Davey wished he could be that expressionless.

“C’mon, Dave, you can tell us,” Specs said, diplomatic. “We all tell each other these things.”

“I don’t-” There was really no point in lying, at least about his presence at the apartment. The boys would believe Racetrack either way. But, as impossible as he knew it was, it felt like admitting anything about the night would erase it ever happening. So he stayed quiet.

“At least tell us how ya’ knew where it was.”

“I told him ‘bout it.” Davey’s head turned towards Jack within an instant. Jack spoke with the most blase expression, calm as ever. It was a funny contrast to the way Davey’s heart skipped a beat. “We was passin’ by it, ages back, and I mentioned what it was for. Didn’t think he’d ever use it, but…” 

_Thank god Jack’s such a good liar._ Not like the boys would have any reason to doubt him, anyway. It was all plausible. No one would have any reason to think otherwise. Davey just needed to breathe. “I think it’s time to change the subject,” he asserted, still able to feel how hot his face was.

“Deprivin’ us of the best gossip we’s had in weeks,” Race groaned, muffled by the cigar between his teeth. “Pure evil, Davey.”

“Maybe if you did something besides playing poker, you wouldn’t need to rely on me for gossip,” Davey shot back, a smile on his face. He really did enjoy the banter they exchanged, because it seldom felt mean-spirited, the way teasing at his school always had.

“Well, it ain’t as good as that, but I did hear somethin’,” Specs provided.

“That is?”

“Heard Jack found a new gal.” Despite the serious tone, Davey couldn’t help but repress a laugh. Where had he heard something like that? Ironic, almost, he thought. The closest thing Jack had to a new girl was _Davey_.

“Who?” Race asked, furrowing his eyebrows. Dave supposed he didn’t want his gossip to be outdone.

“Sarah Jacobs.” 

Davey nearly choked on the water he was drinking. He felt the breath catch in his throat, his heart was hammering against his chest, his thoughts racing a mile a minute. _What? No._ That didn't- that _couldn't-_

“Where did you hear that?” He asked, hoping the words didn’t sound as strangled as they did to his own ears. There was a logical explanation for this. Someone had seen Jack at his apartment and figured he was with Sarah, now. That made sense. That was what happened. That was what had to have happened.

Specs cleaned his glasses on the corner of his shirt before placing them back on the bridge of his nose. “Ain’t that I heard it as much as saw it. The two a’ them, over by Sarah’s job around lunchtime today. He kissed her.”

 _No, that isn’t right, he saw it wrong because that didn’t happen it didn’t happen it didn’t-_ Davey looked at Jack, praying he would see his own confusion mirrored on Jack’s features, or maybe see him laughing, wondering how Specs could have gotten it so wrong. But Jack’s gaze was fixed towards the floor. Fuck, no no _no_.

“Is that right, Jack?” Crutchie asked.

“Well.” Jack still wouldn’t look at Davey. But there was nothing else to suggest any negative emotion buried behind his slight grin. “I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me. But, yeah, you could say we’s together.”

Davey’s mouth was so dry he doubted he would even be able to speak. “Jack-” The word sounded odd and distorted, not like his voice at all. “That’s my sister.” _That’s my sister, who you promised you would never have feelings for. My sister, with whom you would only have a relationship if you wanted to break my heart. Oh, god. You want to break my heart._

“Fuck, Jack,” Race said, hitting Jack’s arm with the back of his hand. “Ya didn’t even tell Dave first? He’s the gal’s brother. There’s gotta be rules about that.”

“I figured Sarah would tell him.” The smoke that escaped from Jack’s mouth rose to the ceiling, gray wisps passing over expressionless features. How could he be so beautiful and heartbreaking simultaneously?

“She didn’t,” Davey managed to mumble. “I- I have to go.” He did. He had to get out of this room, away from the smell of tobacco and the light and the noise. Away from these words that didn’t make any sense. He could already feel tears in the corners of his eyes.

He rose to his feet, ignoring the calls of some of the other boys, wondering why he was leaving. He stopped at the door when he realized Jack wasn’t following. “Jack, are you coming?”

“I think you can walk home yourself, Davey.” Jack finally made eye contact with him. The lack of emotion in those eyes stung. There was no warmth, no affection, no unspoken ‘I love you’s in that gaze. Nothing like the night before. Davey was left to wonder, had that even happened?

It did. It had to have happened.

He felt the heat rise to his cheeks as he heard some half-muffled laughter from the boys surrounding him. “Yeah, of course.” He had thought- It was stupid, of course, but he had had this small trace of hope remaining that maybe, when Jack walked him home, when they were away from the boys and their judgments, that Jack would explain everything. That it was all a joke, a misunderstanding, and he would smile and tell Davey not to worry too much and kiss him before he said goodnight. But Jack didn’t even want to be alone with him.

He was barely three steps out the lodging house when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He hoped, for a stupid moment, that it was Jack. Of course, it wasn’t.

“Hey, Racetrack.” He prayed the light of the lamps lining the streets weren’t bright enough to see the state of his expression. But it hardly mattered, since surely Race could hear the scratchiness of his voice.

“Hey.” He took the cigar out of his mouth and fiddled with it for a few seconds. It was the kind of meaningless motion that Davey was familiar enough with to know that Race had something important to say, with no good idea of how to say it. “Look, Dave, I don't mean nothin’ by this, but, well…. About twenty minutes after I saw ya leavin’ the buildin’ the other day, I- I also saw Jack leave.”

 _Fuck._ “I don’t- That didn’t- We didn’t-”

“Hey, there ain’t no need to get defensive, Dave. Like I said, I ain’t gonna tell the boys. I’m not even implyin’ nothin’. I just- with what Jack said and your reaction- I just wanna make sure you’s okay.”

“Yeah,” he assured, pretending there weren’t tears stinging his eyes. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Ya didn’t seem too fine back in there.” Davey laughed humorlessly and shook his head. “Look, I dunno exactly what happened or what the situation is between the two a’ you, but from where I’m lookin’, I ain’t too happy with Jack.”

 _Neither am I._ “It’s fine. He’s- I don’t know.”

“I’ll soak him for ya, if you want.”

Davey laughed. “No, no. I- It’s my fault. I should’ve known better. But… thank you.”

Race smiled. “No problem, Dave.” Davey nodded and began to turn away, but Race stopped him. “But, again, I dunno everythin’, but from what I do know? I really ain’t seein’ how this is your fault.” Davey didn’t say anything. “Just keep that in mind. Night, Davey.”

“Goodnight.”

The walk home was the worst of his life. Every foot felt like a mile, every breath of cold air stuck needles into his lungs. Each second dragged on like a year, and every one brought a new thought to the back of his mind. He refused to think about Jack. It hurt far less to focus on his breath, despite the pain each inhale brought.

He nearly collapsed at the top of the fire escape. His blood felt like lead coursing through his veins, weighing him down until he was practically fixed to the stairs. He considered just falling asleep there, feet from his room, and the idea of freezing didn't seem so horrible.

But what good would he do his family half-frozen and sick with pneumonia? He stood straight and forced open the window with hands shaking and frostbitten. The warmth of the air- if even just comparatively- brushed over his face, shattering the comforting numbness of the cold. He missed it instantly. At least when his body couldn’t feel anything, he could almost extend the feeling to the mind.

The room was dimly lit. Their mother wouldn't allow anything but candles burning so late at night because anything else would squander the little money they had left. But even in the dull glow, he could see the outline of his sister’s form, one hand holding open a book and the other spinning locks of her hair into a braid. She was so beautiful. Far more than he was. There was no reason Jack wouldn’t want her. But Davey had been an idiot, too blind to see any of that. Had he really been foolish enough to hold onto the promise Jack had made him? There was no incentive for him to keep it. And Jack always knew the way to secure what was best for himself.

“Sarah.” He hadn’t expected his voice to sound so choked up and breathless. A combination of walking in the cold air and the tears that had gone unnoticed as they built themselves up in his eyes left him incapable of normal speech. But at least it was unlikely that she could see the redness of his eyes in the low light.

She looked up from her book and made eye contact with him, smiling when she realized who was speaking. “Good evening, Davey.”

“Evening, Sarah.” She was opening her mouth to speak again, but he couldn’t wait to know. _I already know._ He reminded himself. What is the point of even asking Sarah? He knew what she would say. “I-I heard something. When I was with the boys.”

“Yeah?”

“I- um- they were saying you and Jack were together?” He told himself to not watch her too closely. To not picture her mouth stretching out in a laugh or a gasp of surprise. To not imagine her voice telling him that they’re wrong, assuring him that it was just a joke.

“Oh.” She closed her book and left it in her lap. “I was going to tell you. It only happened today.” There was no reason for him to feel his stomach sinking. He already knew what she would say. “It isn’t anything serious. But, uh.” She averted her eyes, and he could just make out the blush on her face. It felt like a stab to the gut. How could he resent the situation if Jack made Sarah happy? What kind of brother would that make him? “That Jack Kelly is very persuasive, isn’t he?”

 _Too persuasive,_ he thought. _Persuasive enough to get someone into bed with lies and almost do it again with fake promises of love and loyalty._ “Yeah. Well, I’m happy for both of you.” It was only half of a lie. Sure, half of him felt like he was dying, but if Sarah was happy… 

“Thank you.” He wished she didn’t look so happy. It would make it easier to hate all of this.

“You’re welcome.” He leaned back against the window sill. “I’m going to go outside.”

She laughed, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “You just got in.”

“I need air.” He needed air, sure. And he needed a place where he could break into the sobs that he was barely containing. He needed to somewhere where he wasn’t sharing a space with the person Jack had left him for. 

Not even left him for, really. There was no goodbye, no letting him down easy. One day Jack was in love with him, the next he was kissing Davey’s sister. That only made it worse.

He gripped his hands around the metal of the fire escape’s railing, tight enough that the few stray nails jutting out of the surface dug into his palms. Each breath was shallow, barely filling his lungs before he was exhaling in a choked sob. Oh, god. He hated it. He hated this fucking fire escape. He hated the metal railing where Jack had leaned against as he explained that he had feelings for Davey. He hated existing in the same space where he had been so happy, just a day prior.

But where else could he go? Back where Sarah was? The kitchen where he and Jack had shared so many meals? That normalcy that they’d lost ached like a missing spot in his heart; he couldn’t stew in a room with something he missed so dearly. He couldn’t go down to the streets, either, where he and Jack spent so much time working together. It was those very streets where Davey fell for him. And he couldn’t go to the roof where Jack had held him and kissed him and fed him beautiful promises he had no intention of keeping. 

He hated every one of those places, but so much more, he hated Jack. He hated him, so fucking much, for coming into his life and staining every place he’d once sought comfort in. Jack was so hopelessly ingrained in everything he did; there was nowhere he could go where Jack wouldn’t be there like a dull ache in his chest. And worse: he was far too gone to even remember what it was like to live without him. If he couldn't even remember, how could he go back?

He’d been happy. He had been perfectly fine with the silent intimacy he and Jack had shared, because that, at least, he could understand. But then they’d acted on it- the first mistake- and then Jack had wanted to talk about it, and Davey had let him- the second- and he’d told all of those beautiful fucking lies and Davey had been stupid enough to actually _believe him_ \- the final. He wanted nothing more than to go back to the time before, when every action and gaze had meaning undivulged. But he even if he could, it wouldn’t be the same now that he knew what he knew. Because all those things he’d thought were actually wrong because Jack never felt any of that, he never loved Davey, never saw in Davey’s eyes what Dave saw in his, never even cared to not shatter Davey’s heart in the worst way possible.

His knees buckled and he collapsed to the ground, gravity besting him. He pressed his forehead against the metal bars and felt as the tears splashed down onto his knees, soaking through his pant leg. Maybe if he could just steady his breathing, he could go inside and smile and pretend to be the supportive, happy brother he should be. He had no reason to cry, his best friend and his sister were in love and he _couldn’t be happier._ Jack was the hero of the story and he got the girl. It worked. Davey was so _fucking stupid_ to believe, even for a second, that he could ever be a part of that equation. He wasn’t the hero of this story or any. He was the brother, the best friend, and his role wasn’t to mope and pine. It was to smile and support and challenge. 

But he just couldn’t do it yet. He let himself cry out on that fire escape, muffling his sobs with his shirt sleeve, until there were no tears left and the cold was so harsh that he could barely move his frostbitten fingers. And he stayed longer, feeling the tear streaks freeze on his cheeks and watching the lights of the city slowly make way for darkness. Barely registering, he observed the few stars visible beyond the city smog and the dark rain clouds come out of hiding. He stayed until the first snowflake of the predicted storm landed on his face.

It melted against his cheek as he stood and finally went inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaand all four hearts are broken
> 
> okay so i actually drew something that goes with this (yes i drew art for my own fic don't judge me) and, as someone who is a recreational artist at best, it didn't turn out too terrible. I kinda wanted to post it here but im not for a few reasons: a) fear b)like seriously i can post writing just fine but art??? scary c) i have absolutely no idea how to.  
> But uh if i can ever figure that out i might post it also lmk if yall would even be interested in seeing it. its a drawing of davey jacobs, loml.
> 
>  
> 
> anyway loves thats it for now this is probably the Height of the angst, i mean idk actually it gets p bad the next few chapters but then it will be Okay promise. Anyway I Love You All give me comments and i hope, as always, you are having a fantastic week!!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tipsy Newsbians 2: Return of the Gay Eye Contact
> 
> (i actually considered making that the chapter title but... no)

Snowstorms were a pretty good excuse for ignoring someone, Katherine found. They boxed you into a home, limited communication, and left a reasonable assumption that there was simply far too much preventing one person from getting in touch with another. A perfect cover for ignoring, let’s say, someone with whom one might be in unrequited love. Not that Kath _was_ ignoring Sarah, exactly. It was more like… tactical avoidance. 

Oh, jeez, that didn’t even sound good in her head.

But it wasn’t like Sarah had tried to find and talk to her, either! And if anyone had information to share, it would be Sarah. Especially considering that, apparently, she had engaged in a fake relationship Jack Kelly in the time since they’d last seen each other. 

_I wonder what the blonde lady in the alley thinks of that. I wonder if she even knows._

Kath shook off the jealous thoughts. It didn’t matter if Sarah had some girl on the side; as Jack had assured Katherine, the relationship was far from real for either party. It was just some sort of convoluted ploy to break Davey’s heart. And there was, apparently, some big, important reason why Jack _needed_ to do that, but it wasn’t one that Kath understood or cared to. It wasn’t her business. She just felt terrible for Davey.

She peered out the wide, open windows of her room and sighed. Four days later and the snow from Thursday’s storm was still in high piles framing the city streets. It wouldn’t be easy to navigate, but she had nothing to do that day and she might as well quit that stupid ‘tactical avoidance’ idea she had. She had just seen Sarah on Thursday; it wasn’t fair that such a short time of absence was so goddamn painful for her. 

Once outside, she began to walk the familiar route to Sarah's home. Her dark boots crunched into the snow and left footprints alongside the other dirt and debris that had collected in the snow. There were few other pedestrians out to appreciate the spoiled majesty of the snow piles, so the boy selling papers at the end of the street was quick to catch her eye. She didn’t know his name or face, but he was clearly no older than nine. They made an exchange, him handing her a paper and her handing him a dollar. She told him to keep the change; he needed it far more than her father’s bank account did. The way his smile widened and the energy in his “Thank you, miss!” carried her good mood across the near barren streets until she reached the Jacobs’ apartment. 

As she knocked on their door, it occurred to her that the inside of the building was no warmer than the outside. She was still shivering in her fur cloak. The basket of supplies she’d brought reassured that, even if she couldn’t fix the obvious heating issue in their apartment, she could help the family out somehow. 

“Kath?” She was met without so much as ‘hello’. In fairness, her arrival at the apartment was probably a surprise. Now that she considered it, had she ever gone to their home without an invitation? And there was no reason for her to show up in the days following the first blizzard of the year. Such lasting cold as to warrant Sarah answering the door with a quilt wrapped around her shivering body would have kept most people away.

“Good morning Sarah.” 

“It’s one in the afternoon- you’ve missed morning.” Sarah smiled and it reminded Kath that there was nothing awkward between them. Any possible disturbances in their friendship were a figment of Katherine’s imagination, much like any hints of attraction she had been so sure existed. As far as Sarah was concerned, they were no different than they had been six days prior. “But please, come in.”

Katherine nodded and accepted the invitation, stepping through the threshold to find a room as empty as it was cold. While she was not appreciative of the chill, the emptiness was somewhat of a relief. She wasn’t sure if she could face seeing Davey, knowing what he was going through and having no way to help him. And, besides, she liked speaking with Sarah when they were alone. 

“I’m sorry it’s so cold. The heat is hardly ever on, the landlord refuses to even see any of us about it…” She trailed off and shook her head. “There isn’t really much we can do. But we have some extra blankets if you want to borrow-” She seemed to finally notice Katherine, who was off to the side, unpacking the large basket she had brought. The countertop quickly was quickly obscured by a mountain of food, blankets, some spare candles, and matches. “-What are you doing?”

“There are so many extra supplies in my house. I've been giving food away to kids on the street, but I thought that, given the snowstorm and the unpredictability of your landlord,-”

“-Which you didn’t know about until now.”

“ _Still-_ ” She insisted, ignoring Sarah’s raised eyebrows. Look, Katherine loved the Jacobs family immensely, wished they were her own sometimes. But their stubbornness was a trait that was difficult to work around at times, especially when it came to what they viewed as charity. She had known this, going to their apartment. But, dammit, she could be stubborn too. “I want to help.”

“Kath-”

“I know, _I know_ you don’t need it, but please.” Katherine held out a heavy wool blanket, one far more useful than the frayed sheet draped over Sarah’s shoulders. Sarah’s gaze passed over it with disdain, as if it was something far more offensive.

“Thank you, I really appreciate the gesture, but I’m just not comfortable accepting this.”

Katherine’s fingers moved over the scratchy fabric of the blanket. “It’s not some charity thing, Sarah. I’m your- your friend-” The word still left an uncomfortable taste in her mouth. Not bad, nothing about Sarah’s friendship was _bad_ , but merely _wrong._ Not any sort of unpleasant, just not what she wanted. “And this is a way I can aid you. You help me a lot, Sarah, and I want to do what I can as well.” Sarah still looked hesitant. “Okay, how about this: just think of it as screwing over my father.”

Sarah’s expression was blank for a moment, then she broke out in a bright, wide smile. Katherine fell a bit more in love every time she saw that smile. (But, gosh, she really needed to get over these feelings. It wasn’t healthy to be left so starstruck by a pretty girl’s smile.) Sarah grabbed the blanket out of her hands. “Well, I suppose I can do that. As the sister of a former strike leader, I think it’s only right of me to take any chance to inconvenience Pulitzer in any way I can.”

Katherine winked. “My thoughts exactly.” She rifled through her basket, pulling out one last gift. As she unwrapped the wine bottle from the towel she had bundled it in, she grinned at Sarah. “My father _may_ have told me to stop taking bottles from his wine cellar but, well… He’ll hardly miss one more.”

Sarah laughed, excitement leaving crinkles in the corner of her eyes, and sprinted over to the kitchen. She lifted herself up on her toes to reach and open the cabinet. “I don’t have fancy wine glasses like you do,” she said, pulling a few cups from their rows. “So I hope you can accept normal glasses.”

“More than fine, Sarah.” She held out a glass to Katherine and she went to uncork the bottle, but stopped. “Wait- is your family home?” She hadn’t seen anyone, but she didn’t want to be freely pouring alcohol when Les was in the next room.

“I wouldn’t have us drinking wine in the middle of the dining room if they were.”

Katherine giggled and poured out the crimson alcohol into Sarah’s glass, before filling her own. It nearly spilled just a moment after, as Sarah’s wrist clasped around her hand and pulled her suddenly forward. She dragged Kath into her bedroom where they sat, hardly an inch between them, on the thin mattress. They clinked their glasses in unspoken cheers and Sarah was the first to take a sip.

“So,” Katherine started, swirling the drink so the wine just kissed the brim of the glass. “Why _are_ you the only one home?”

Sarah leaned back against the headboard, legs stretching and toes flexing so they just touched the foot of the bed. “Three days of blizzard makes the factory fairly inaccessible; not even the owners show up. They left a note for us to return when the snow melted, but until then, mama and I are off work. Davey and Les aren’t as lucky, so they’re out, and my parents decided to spend the day together. They hardly ever get to, so I’m happy for them. But that left me here alone.”

“Not alone anymore.” Katherine nudged Sarah’s shoulder with her own.

“And neither are you.” She grabbed Katherine's empty hand in her own and laced their fingers together. “So, Miss Plumber, what do you want to do?”

 

**********

 

The clock on the dresser told Katherine that she had spent nearly an hour at the Jacobs residence. Informative as it was, the timepiece was far less interesting than the face of the girl currently reading aloud to her. She looked up at Sarah from where her head rested in the other girl’s lap. In one Sarah’s hands was a novel, and the other alternated between stroking Katherine’s hair and raising the glass of wine from the bedside table to her lips. The bottle was more than half empty at that point and both girls were just past tipsy. Half of the words Sarah read aloud she stumbled over, causing fits of laughter from both of them.

Just breaking out of the most recent fit of giggles, Sarah continued: “‘ _They stumbled through the door, hearts racing-_ ’” She paused. “Kath, I’m scanning this page and it contains some scenes I don’t feel comfortable reading aloud, even though I know my family isn’t home.”

Katherine sat up, immediately missing the feeling of Sarah’s fingers in her hair. She grabbed the book out of Sarah’s hand and skimmed over the words, feeling her cheeks turn pink as she read certain details. It wasn’t very explicit, but she was near-drunk and within two inches of a girl she was in love with, so it didn’t take much to get her face warm. “Oh, god, Sarah. Why do you even have this?”

“None of your business.” She snatched the book back and dropped it onto the mattress. Katherine raised an eyebrow. “I saw it at the library and borrowed it. But I- I didn’t know it was like _that_.” Her mouth was open in a wide grin and she shook her head. “I guess I’ll just have to save that until when you’re not around.”

With that, Katherine burst into peals of laughter. She collapsed against Sarah, their individual laughters merging into one. Sarah’s fingertips brushed over her neck, shoulder blades, spine, and settled on the small of her back. Her cheeks were glowing pink and beautiful and Katherine couldn’t help but reach out and brush the back of her palm over the side of her face. Sarah’s laughter was broken by a short, quick inhale.

Their chests were pressed to each other’s, Katherine half laying in her lap, and it was all very reminiscent of their last encounter, only reversed. Her thumb ghosted over Sarah’s forehead, cheekbones, and the corner of her mouth. Sarah shut her eyes and started laughing again, quietly now, not stopping when Katherine moved closer, and only growing louder when she pressed their lips together.

They moved closer together and Katherine giggled as their noses bumped. Her hand moved to cup Sarah’s cheek. Sarah leaned into the embrace, pressing innocent kisses to Katherine’s mouth that were quick and fast and nothing short of breathtaking. The moment wasn’t overly romantic and coordinated, nor was it the bold, emotional confession of feelings Katherine had imagined it would be. It was the taste of red wine on Sarah’s peach-colored lips, the sound of muffled laughter, and the feeling of Sarah’s arms around her waist, holding her like she never wanted to let go. And, god, it was perfect.

“Kath-” The name was spoken as light as a giggle, and quietly silenced as their lips met again. “Katherine.” Its repetition was far less carefree; rather, it had a somber intonation. Katherine sat up and moved back immediately.

“Sarah?”

She brushed her fingers over her lips. “We- we can’t. Do this. Just- we can’t.” The tone was cold and cut off and distant, which only made the words more painful and it harder to pretend they didn’t tear at her heart. She exhaled and inhaled and tried to meet Sarah’s gaze with her own. It remained averted.

“Did you not want me to kiss you? Is it- did you only do this because of the alcohol?” Katherine should have factored that in. It made sense. Wine made people do foolish things. Kiss a girl they’re not interested, for some, she supposed. She wouldn't hold it against Sarah, but still, it would sting.

“No, definitely no, not just because of the alcohol.”

She forced herself not to smile. _Any hope is foolish, Sarah still said we can’t ‘do this’._ But, still, maybe- “Me neither.” She reached out and rested her hand over Sarah’s. “I really- I care about you, Sarah. A lot.”

“Oh, yeah, and that’s why you’re with Darcy.” Sarah snatched her hand from Katherine’s, tone acidic. Kath cradled her palm in other her arm. It stung like it had been burned.

“Sarah-” _You’re right. I’m only with him to forget about you_. “Sarah, please. I don’t like Darcy, not that way. My father thinks he’s good for me, but that’s not- I like _you_.”

“But there’s Jack-”

Kath huffed. If Sarah had brought up the alleyway girl, maybe Katherine would have understood (no, not really, the alleyway girl was still a haunting mystery), but to use a lie as her defense? “I know that that relationship isn’t real.”

“How do you-” Realization brightened her features for a second before they fell back to the guarded facade. “Oh, I forgot. You and Jack are inseparable. But stilll, real or not, I promised him.”

“The promise of a lie is more important than- than whatever this is?” Kath gestured between the two of them.

“Katherine, that’s not- look, you know that it’s a lie and you haven’t done a thing to interfere. Clearly, you have no problem with it.”

“Just because I don't believe you should overlook what we have because of it doesn’t mean I’m going to try to sabotage the relationship.” She raked a hand through her hair. “I mean, no, I don’t like it. But I thought you would care, for Davey’s sake at least. If he wasn’t in love with Jack, then Jack wouldn’t even have to-” The words had tumbled out of her mouth faster than she had time to think about what she was saying. Her words halted as quickly as Sarah’s head snapped up, wide eyes meeting hers.

The drunk-pink of her cheeks had faded to a ghostly white. “What?” She whispered, almost too quiet for Katherine to hear. She shook her head, slowly, as Kath raised a hand to her mouth. She hadn’t even thought- Davey, in love with Jack, and Jack, returning the feelings, it was such a common topic in her conversations with Jack, she’d forgotten- Oh, god, Sarah looked upset. “What do you- Davey’s not-”

“I don’t- I was just guessing-” It was a feeble attempt at a lie and she knew it. But she couldn’t bear to take the blame for screwing up the system- flawed as it was- that Jack had designed. It wasn’t her place.

“No, no, you’re not. Jack wouldn’t tell me the reason why he wanted to pretend to be with me, but of _course_ he would tell you. Davey- Davey’s in love with him and Jack is pretending to be with me so-” Her eyes widened. “So that he can break Davey’s heart.” The confusion and concern had disappeared, replaced by the pure anger Katherine had never seen on her delicate features. It was almost terrifying; Kath hoped desperately that that anger wouldn’t be turned on her. “I’m right, aren’t I?”

“I- Yes, but it’s not- he’s doing it for Davey’s own good-” The words didn’t even sound convincing to her own ears. She was merely repeating the mantra Jack had told her, one she didn’t fully believe. Sure, there was some merit it in. The world was dangerous for people that fell for those of their own gender and trying to protect Davey was a noble enough goal, but with the cost… 

“How could it possibly be?” Katherine didn’t have an answer. “And why are you defending Jack? He was using me, without my knowledge of the situation, to _break my brother’s heart_.” She stood, fists clenched at her sides, lip curled, and looking ready to punch someone. “How could- How the hell- I am going to kill him.”

“Sarah, I know it’s wrong but he really thinks-”

“I need you to go.” 

The words took a second to register in Kath’s brain, which was dealing with a cocktail of alcohol-induced slowness and the leftover rush of kissing. But her eyebrows furrowed and her lips moved the second she did. “Sarah-”

“I’m sorry, but I need to be here when Davey gets home. Here alone. I need to apologize-”

“It isn’t your fault.”

“I know that,” she snapped, then paused. “I’m sorry. But I… I need to think everything over.”

Katherine was selfish and she knew that. It was the reason she’d hidden her true name from the boys during the strike- she had wanted their respect and trust, but never had thought of the ways she could help them with her wealth if she’d been honest. It was the reason she was with Darcy even though she had no interest in him, merely wanting him as an object that would make Sarah jealous. It was the reason the reached out to grab Sarah’s wrist and asked her: “But what about us- what about what just happened?”

“I don’t know, Kath.” She pulled away from Katherine’s grip for just a second before lacing their fingers together. “We need to talk about it, but not now. Not when we’re drunk and I’m considering murdering Jack Kelly.”

Katherine couldn’t help but smile at Sarah’s weak attempt to a joke, even if the expression was laced with sadness. “That’s fair. I’ll see you soon, right?”

“Right.” She paused. “And thank you, for the wine and the food and blankets.”

“Thank you for the company.” Katherine traced the edges of Sarah’s face with her finger, before gently kissing her forehead. She smiled against Sarah’s hairline when the other girl didn’t move away. She let the sense of calm linger for a moment before she stepped back. “Good luck with Davey.”

“Thank you. I'll see you soon.”

"See you soon."

As Katherine walked back out onto the icy streets, she found the leftover warmth of the alcohol and the lingering heat that reminded her of Sarah’s lips on hers made the cold just slightly more bearable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look im tired im stressed i love girls and i love newsbians
> 
> goodnight my dudes pls leave me your lovely commentary  
> this fic only has like 5 more chapters and then i promise im going to go back to writing shorter fics with fluffier content


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: *shows up to my own fic a month and eleven days late holding four AP classes worth of work and some likely out of character newsies* sup
> 
> did i already make that joke on another fic? pretty sure i did
> 
> uh yeah but seriously sorry for the disappearance. don't take four APs in one year my dudes, its not fun, i have a history quiz and an Italian test tomorrow, idk any of john marshall's supreme court cases and i can say exactly one sentence in italian, wish me luck
> 
> but the main reason for the delay is this chapter's contents. it was initially a sarah POV takedown of Jack (which was badass, i have it saved, dont worry) but it just... wasnt working? agonized over it for like a month, eventually said fuck it, scraped it, and started a Davey POV(that switches to Jack's halfway through cause i decided to combine two chapters in one long mega chapter). That worked out pretty well i think, and as much as i love (love like, gay love. im gay for her. marry me sarah) Sarah being a badass and taking on anyone who hurts her brothers, i also think davey fighting his own battles is important.
> 
> anyways thats the sum of it, i did not edit this as much as i want to so feel free to roast me. please enjoy

“Davey, it’s cold,” Les whined. Davey would have been slightly more sympathetic had that not been the fifth time he’d heard it that day.

“I know, Les.” He breathed out, the white puff of air disappearing moments after it appeared. At least they were home. Davey looked up at the tenement house, tall and dull and practically indistinguishable from the dozens of others surrounding it. And yet, it was such a relief to step through its doors, out of the freezing outdoors and into the equally cold interior. There were only so many hours Davey could avoid eye contact with Jack while pretending, in front of Les and the other boys, that everything was fine. Feigning happiness wasn’t a skill that came easily to him and it didn’t help that Jack didn’t even seem bothered by any of it.

The change in his pocket seemed to weigh him down. Though he and Jack had changed their 60-40 agreement to an even 50-50 split almost immediately after the strike ended, they still always pooled and divided the money at the end of the day rather than just taking home their individual incomes. That was, until he and Jack stopped talking. There was still _some_ conversation; Jack still said ‘hi’ to him and joked with Les and made other passing comments, but everything was so goddamn empty. It was almost better, though. Jack could have gone back to exactly how they were before they’d slept together, with the joking and hugs and smiles; Davey didn’t know if he could take that. Knowing that despite the feigned kindness, Jack hated him? Far worse than awkwardness. And it couldn’t be anything less than hatred that made Jack do to Davey what he had done.

These thoughts were just making him sick again.

He started to scale the staircase, ignoring the continued complaints coming from his younger brother. He wasn’t sure how, exactly, that Les had figured out something was wrong between him and Jack, but the kid was annoyingly observant sometimes, especially when it came to his siblings. A blessing and a curse, Davey had found. 

“Remember my gal Sally?” Les asked, somewhat out of the blue, as the two reached their floor.

He nodded. “Yes, ‘she’s a plum', you’d said.” The fact that his ten-year-old brother had more success in love than he had had wasn’t something Davey was particularly proud of. 

“Well, not that you’d asked, but me and her had a falling out soon after the strike. I guess being a hero don’t mean you find the love of your life.” Les shrugged. There why no reason for Davey to overthink why he was talking about this girl so long after their relationship ended. Sometimes Les just rambled. “But she said to me she still wanted to be friends. So, we’ve been friends for a while and on Tuesday she gave me a flower and a kiss on the cheek.”

Davey pulled his keys out of his pocket, only half listening to his brother’s speech. “I’m glad, Les.” He glanced over at his brother to find that Les was looking at him in an exasperated, knowing way that a ten-year-old should not be able to master. “What?”

“It’s really simple, Davey. You and Jack are having a falling out right now, and that’s okay.” Davey looked up from the door to see Les casually shifting his weight between his legs as he spoke. “Wait ‘till you’re not mad. Then, just be his friend and someday you’ll both come around.” Then, as an afterthought: “Maybe get him a flower.”

Davey opened his dry mouth to ask _how on earth did he know there was something not-just-friendly between him and Jack?_ , but stopped. _Of course_ Les knew. And he wasn’t- he didn’t have a problem with it. And maybe that was just because he was a kid and didn’t understand the harshness of society. That was probably it. But, maybe, Davey thought with a smile, it just didn’t matter. “Thank you, Les.”

“You’re welcome.” Les grinned. “He looks at you like I look at Sally, you know.”

In fairness, Davey had only met Sally once, very briefly, and he had no idea how Les looked at her. But he got the implication. The thought of it made his heart sting, but he was in no hurry to shoot down his brother’s wisdom. He just sighed, shook his head, and said, “It’s a shame he and Sarah are together.”

Les frowned, round nose scrunching up. “That’s not real.”

“Sure.”

“Well, Sarah’s in love with Katherine, anyway, so she can’t love Jack.” The matter-of-factness in his tone was almost comical; Davey occasionally envied the confidence he had in every word. Mixed with the amusement was a bit of confusion Davey could admit to having. Not that he was going to view his ten-year-old brother’s observations as infallible, but he’d been mostly right about Jack and Davey, which meant Sarah-

He couldn’t finish that thought, as the very girl they were speaking of called out to him as soon as he walked through the open doorway. “Davey!” She ran towards him, barely giving him time to acknowledge her disheveled hair and flushed cheeks before she crashed into him and wrapped her arms around his waist. “I’m so sorry Davey I didn’t know I’m sorry I’m so sorry-” Her breath smelled of wine.

“What are you apologizing for?” Her tears worried him. She was rarely so worked up about things. It could just be a result of her drunkenness, he supposed, but there was definitely something very wrong.

“I’m sorry, so sorry Davey-”

He put a hand on her cheek and guided her face to a place where he could look at her. “Sarah, what is it?”

She took a moment to breathe, long and short inhales until she could properly speak. She looked up at him, eyes glistening with tears. “You love Jack,” she whispered. His heart seized in his chest. There was no point in attempting to deny it. If his younger brother could figure it out, why had he even hoped to keep it from Sarah? She knew, she knew and she felt guilty and he didn’t want her to. He had sworn, long ago, that he would not let his own feelings get in the way of her happiness. That that was not going to change.

He sighed. “Sarah, don’t apologize. It isn’t your fault. You’re happy and he’s happy and that’s nothing to feel sorry for.” His voice was low and soft as he spoke as if it could make up for the venomous tone of the thoughts in the nagging part of his mind that wanted to say otherwise. _No, be sorry,_ they begged him to say. _End things with Jack, make him hurt the way_ he _hurt_ me. 

He liked to think he wasn’t so petty.

“But it isn’t-” She started, but stopped when they heard a small clearing of a throat behind them.

“Someone mind filling me in on all the whispering?” Les asked, short arms crossed over his chest and eyebrows furrowed in an expression more comically cute than intimidating. “If you wanna talk in private, mind not starting a conversation when I’m right here? Little kids have ears, too.”

Davey took a step back from Sarah, gaze darting between his brother and sister. “Sorry, Les. We were just-” A minuscule shake of Sarah’s head. “Talking. About Sarah and Jack.”

“That relationship is fake- that’s fake, isn’t it, Sarah?” Les’s confident tone faded to questioning as he yanked on Sarah’s shirtsleeve. Davey hid his fear of its truth behind a calm façade he could tell was cracking. But it couldn’t be true. If it was, Jack’s betrayal would be solely born of hate for Davey. He didn’t know if he’d be able to stand that.

“I-” She glanced between them, swallowed, and nodded. Davey felt his heart stop in his chest because she couldn’t- Jack didn’t- not just to hurt him- “He asked me to pretend to be with him. I didn’t know why. If- if I’d known it was about you I never would have- I’m so sorry.”

He raised a hand to her head and combed her hair with his fingers. The light brown strands felt silk. “Sarah-”

“I knew it!” Les shouted, oblivious to the emotion in the voices of his drunk sister and heartbroken brother. “Sarah, you can’t love Jack because you love Katherine, right?”

The expression on Sarah’s face gave Davey the impression that, had she been eating something, she would have choked on it. “That's- Katherine is-” Her cheeks were far more flushed than they had been before. Les was definitely onto something. “Aren't we talking about Davey?”

“Are you?” Davey asked. It seemed impossible that his sister was like him, a fact that would be equally perfect and terrifying. To have someone to confide in within his own family, someone who would understand, was a beautiful concept. But if Sarah was a queer too, she would be at so much risk. He couldn’t bear the thought of his sister being arrested for something as simple as a kiss. “Are you in love with her?”

“I- I mean, ‘in love’ is such a strong phrase-” he met her eyes and watched her deflate, shawl-covered shoulders sagging. “I- yes. Yes. I am.”

Davey swallowed and nodded, then pulled her to him in a hug. Les made an annoyed sound. “No one made this big a’ deal when _I_ said I was in love with Sally.” The older siblings both laughed.

When both the laughter and the sorrow died down, Davey asked, “How’d you know? About Jack and I?”

“Cause I'm the smart one,” Les answered, unaware of the questions intended audience.

Sarah smiled, soft and sisterly, at Les, before returning her attention to Davey. “Katherine told me.”

“Oh,” Davey felt his throat go dry again. “Which means, Jack told her.” He grit his teeth, looked away, and tried to pretend he wasn’t so close to crying again. He had so much to say, anger and sadness competing and begging him to yell and cry. And why shouldn’t he? “He wasn’t- he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. That was a rule.” He exhaled a heavy breath. “Not that he gives a- not that he even cares about rules. He doesn’t. Do you know what I told him?” A small shake of Sarah’s head. “I told him- god, I’m such an idiot- I told him that the one thing that would absolutely _shatter me_ was if you and he ever-” He made eye contact with Sarah, noticed the shimmer of moisture in her eyes. “I told him, if you and he ever were together, I would break. And the next day, I find out he was seen kissing you.”

“Davey…” She pulled him back against her chest, fingers trailing lightly down his back as the tears built in his eyes. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t fucking take knowing Jack hated him this much.

Les was yanking at his arm, obviously annoyed at being left out once again. “Davey, why’d he do that?”

Davey pulled away from Sarah enough to comb his fingers through his brother’s hair. “I don’t know, Les. There are… there are a lot of mean people out there, people who are scared of anyone who is different. And they think boys who love boys and girls who love girls are wrong and bad. Maybe Jack thinks that too, maybe I did something to make him this upset. I really don’t know, Les.”

“But Jack isn’t a bad person.” There was no had intonation of doubt. Les was so unwaveringly confident in Jack’s goodness, _so sure_ that Jack was above the petty mistakes of teenagers. Davey knew it was naivete and hero-worship that bred such thinking, but he couldn’t help but wish he himself saw the world, and Jack, that way. “I knew you’re fighting, but Jack wouldn’t do something that mean. It’s a mistake. Or someone’s making him do it. He wouldn’t hurt you on purpose.”

It was actually Sarah who then pulled Les into their sibling hug, though Davey would have had she not. “Maybe, Les,” he answered, tone devoid of any of Les’s confidence. “I’ll talk to him, like you suggested, okay? See if we can still be friends. I’ll actually do that now.” Sarah’s eyes rose to meet his, her head tilted, her drunken gaze confused. He ignored her, stepping away to retrieve the jacket he’d hung over the chair by the doorway.

“Les,” she called from behind him. “Can you get Davey some food from the cabinet, and some for yourself? Katherine was over and she brought some.”

There was no audible response from Les; he likely just nodded and went off to complete his task. It was merely a distraction, Davey knew, and was not surprised to feel Sarah’s hand on his arm a moment later. “I really hope what you mean by ‘talk to him’ is that you’re going to go beat him up.”

“You know, I think I might.”

Her eyebrows raised. “Really?”

He considered it a moment. He liked to believe that peaceful protest and wise minds could solve most issues, but, like with anything, there were always exceptions. Three, in his case. When the Delancys had been harassing Sarah, when Jack sold him and the other newsies out during the rally, and, of course, when Jack faked being in love with him for a quick fuck and the ability to watch Davey fall apart. The first time, Sarah had done the punching for him (she was stronger and braver than him, anyway) and the second, he’d just walked away without a word or any action because he was a fucking coward. 

Not this time.

“Yeah. Yeah, I think I am.”

She laughed and shook her head. “I was planning on doing the same. Kind of disappointed that I can’t now.”

“Feel free to take a swing at him when I’m done. He was using you too.”

She nodded. “I just might.” A pause. “Davey, before you go,” She took his cold hand in her warmer one. “Did you and Jack- were you- that night, last week, when you didn’t come home, was that- were you with him?”

He closed his eyes, worried about the tears that would form there if he didn’t. The memories swirled in his head and he hated, fuck, he _hated_ thinking about that night. Something that had meant everything to him and nothing to Jack was too painful to dwell on. He bit his lip until he could taste blood in his mouth. Then, he nodded.

“I’m sorry, Davey. I’m so sorry.” She took his face in her hands and pressed a kiss to his forehead. He leaned into her touch for a moment before stepping away to pull his coat on. As he zipped up the front, she placed a hat on his head and pulled at the sides until it covered his hair and ears completely. He grinned. There was something sweet and nostalgic about having Sarah help him with little things like this; he was her little brother, and she never wanted to let him forget it. He didn’t want to forget, either.

“Here, Davey,” Les spoke, holding out an awkwardly-sliced piece of bread. There was an equally sloppy but significantly larger slice in his other hand- likely the one he was saving for himself- and Davey wondered why the hell he and Sarah hadn’t kept him from using the large bread knife in the kitchen. “Good luck with Jack.”

He smiled and ruffled his brother’s hair. “Thank you, Les. And you too, Sarah.”

“Why thank her? She didn’t get you any bread,” Les mumbled. His barely audible words made Davey laugh, just a bit.

“I’ll see you soon.” He leaned towards Sarah. “Don’t let Les near the bread knife again.”

He watched the panic flash through her eyes as she turned back to the kitchen. “Good idea, Davey,” she called back, just before Davey closed the door.

***********

“Kelly.”

Jack was all too familiar with being referred to with his last name, whether it was said by his friends in the same breath as a teasing laugh, by Katherine with a look on her face that was half-disappointed, half-amused, or by some adult or enemy who felt doing so made them superior. But there was a coldness in the tone was not one he associated with the person speaking.

“Hey, Dave.” The words fell easily from his mouth, far too casual for the setting. They belonged in a time and place where things are better, where Davey didn’t hate Jack, where Jack could look at either of the elder Jacobs siblings without feeling nauseous about what he’d done. And he did- he felt sick to his goddamn stomach all the time as he pretended that everything was okay. He’d already cried about it to Katherine and Crutchie and if he didn’t get his shit together soon Medda would probably get added to the list of people who had to deal with his Davey-centric whining.

 _It’s for the best._ The words had become a mantra in the past week. Davey was better off without him, he had to be. He ignored the dark circles ringing his friend’s (ex-friend’s) eyes, the way his pale lips were pressed into a downturned line, the steeliness of the usually sparkling eyes Jack adored. 

_He’ll get over it. Both of us will._

The same tone from before: “Outside.” Blunt, emotionless, on the edge of intimidating. Davey was trying, he really was, but Jack could sense his brokenness from a mile away. No amount of terse statements could hide the damage Jack had done. “Now.”

“C’mon, Dave, ain’t you supposed to be the wordy one of us? You’re letting me down.” There was a thinly veiled malice in his tone and his grin. It was part of the lie. Jack played his part: the asshole who didn’t give a damn about anyone’s happiness but his own. And so what if Davey could see right through it? If he kept it up for long enough, Dave would either believe or shatter or both. 

He hated himself. He hated himself so much for this.

“I’m not asking, Jack.”

Jack pushed himself up from the bunk bed on which he was sitting and spared a glance and amused smile to the few other boys in the room, all of whom were watching the altercation with wide, curious eyes. They were all old enough to understand the words that got someone into a fight, they recognized what could very well happen. So did Davey, so did Jack. “Sure thing, Dave.”

He followed him out the open door into the cold winter air, trailing behind Davey in silence until the other boy stopped short. Hidden in the shadows between two buildings, the air seemed frozen with a lack of sound and movement. Jack wasn't sure what he expected- yelling, maybe? A light shove? Or, maybe, for Dave to step forward, place a hand on the small of his back and use the other to tilt Jack’s chin up so that their eyes met, light meeting dark. Then Davey would move the hand to hold Jack’s, and he’d smile and lean in until-

Getting lost in fantasies was never smart, Jack noted. Especially not when it meant distracting himself to the point where he couldn’t notice a fist inches away from his face, giving him no time to brace for impact at all. 

Jack staggered backward just milliseconds after Davey’s fist made contact with his face. His hand instinctively moved to cover his eye and he mumbled a quiet “ _Fuck_.” He wasn’t new to being punched but at least he usually had some time to prepare. “Jesus, Dave, what the-” He caught his breath, looked up, and pursed his lips. Then, laughing to himself, he glanced at the fingers he pulled away from his face, inspecting for blood. “Actually, you know what, I deserved that.”

“Yeah, you did.” Davey shook out the hand he’d punched Jack with, before curling it back into a fist. He wasn’t going to do so again; one punch had the impact he’d been looking for and he would view anything else as unnecessary violence. The clenched fist was merely a means of protection.

Jack glanced up to meet Davey’s eyes. “I ain’t gonna hit back.”

The hand remained clenched tight. “Fine.” It was quiet for a moment. Jack wondered if that was it, if this was the whole ugly interaction a week of awkward glances had been building up to. It was almost a disappointment. “I know you told Katherine.” Davey broke the silence, gaze directed away from Jack.

Jack pursed his lips and nodded. “Yeah. What’d she tell you?”

“Nothing. She told Sarah and Sarah talked to me.” Jack’s eyebrows furrowed. He could make a guess as to where this was going. “You and Sarah, your relationship isn’t real.”

“No, it ain’t.” _So much for keeping my secret, Sarah._ To be fair, had someone done to Crutchie what Jack was doing to Davey, Jack would have done far worse than just break a promise of secrecy. Things people would do for their siblings.

“Then why-” His voice raised at the end, pitching up as a mix of a yell and a question. But he stopped, eyelids fluttering closed and shoulders drooping, all the tension had flooded from his body. He smiled, but it seemed more despondent than anything else. “What’s the point. I told myself I wouldn’t- Why should I waste my time on you?” Jack deserved the way the words stung at his heart, far more painful than the blow to the face. He had no right to feel bad for himself.

Davey turned and walked away. He was almost out of hearing distance when Jack collected himself enough to yell out: “You’re a coward, Davey.” The words rang out into the cold, empty air. Davey was frozen where he stood, fists clenched. Jack could almost see the myriad of thoughts in that beautiful mind, a decision hanging in the air.

His turn was more graceful than should be allowed of someone that tall (but, maybe Jack was biased). His footsteps echoed on the pavement until he was right in front of Jack once again. “I’m not- You were the one who wouldn’t hit me, not the other way around.”

“Ain’t what I was talking about.” The foot between them felt like a mile. “It don’t ever bother you that I never apologized for taking the money during the rally? That I didn’t even explain? And you ain’t bothered now by the fact that you don’t know why I changed my mind?” _Digging yourself into a pit you can’t get out of, Jack_ , some recess of his mind taunted. Fuck it, fuck it, this was making things worse, both on the Davey-hating-him side and the hiding-love-for-Davey side, but fuck it, Jack just wanted Dave to talk to him. “What if I waltzed up next to you tomorrow, told you it was all some misunderstanding. ‘I’m sorry for screwing with your feelings, Dave, I was projecting onto you cause you’re a queer, can we be friends?’ you would do it, wouldn’t you?” Jack ignored the shiny indication of tears in Davey’s eyes. He jabbed a finger into the upper corner of his chest. “You’re so goddamn spineless. For a guy so good with words I’d expect you to make some sorta argument.”

Dave swatted his hand away. “I’ll punch you again.” Jack almost laughed. _Liar._

“Do it, Dave. Still don’t prove nothing.”

“What, you want me to yell at you?”

“Maybe.”

Davey grit his teeth. “Fine. Fine, Jack, I will. Tell me why you pulled this shit. Tell me why you risked your reputation pretending you’re a queer just to mess with me. Tell me why you went for the thing you knew would hurt me most even though we’re supposed to be friends.”

Jack was, of course, an idiot without a single answer to the inquiries. “I told you. Misunderstanding. Friendships go like that sometimes. You think you have feelings, you ain’t sure, you try it out and it don’t work. That’s all.”

“‘That’s all’?” Dave echoed, voice hollow. “Then I can go?”

“You can go whenever you want.” Davey didn’t move. “I’m gonna end things with your sister,” Jack added, meeting Davey’s eyes.

Davey’s chuckle would have been cute had it not sounded so devoid of happiness. “You really think _you’re_ the one who’ll be ending it? If I’d let her near you, she’d have done far worse than a punch.”

Jack laughed. “I believe it.” There was a lack of tenseness in the air, for those moments. Jack could almost pretend it was like it was. Maybe, if he reached out just a bit-

“I just… I don’t understand, Jack. How you just- how I was just some sort of _test_ for you.” Davey pushed his hair out of his face, pulling at the strands. It must be painful. That was likely exactly why he did it, and was definitely why Jack hated seeing him do it so much. “I thought I was worth more than that to you.”

“You are, Dave.”

“Clearly not!” Davey snapped, the exact reaction Jack had been trying to get while goading him on in the past minutes. Seeing him angry did nothing except increase the ache in his chest. “Clearly, I’m not, and neither is Sarah. You- you used her to hurt me _more_ and now you’re just tossing her aside-”

“Hey, that ain’t the same thing. She ain’t even interested in me, she’s got someone she’s into-”

“But you’re still just tossing her aside now that she’s served her purpose. And me, your _friend_ -” He spits the word out like it’s acid. “I’m here, trying to figure how to not be fucking heartbroken when you’re just proving how much you hate me-”

“I _never_ said I hated you-”

“You just- you ruined months of friendship, and for what? Confirmation that you don’t have feelings for me? Was it worth it?”

“Of course it wasn’t, Dave!” None of this, none of it was worth it at all. If he couldn’t go one conversation with Davey without all these feelings of love and regret being stirred up again, how could it be worth it? Fuck the Delancys, fuck rules and society and everything that said he couldn’t be in love with Davey. He could make this better, he could say, clear and plain, ‘I love you, Davey, I’m so sorry, please forgive me,’ and Dave _would_ and Jack would wrap his arms around him and he’d be able to not feel like everything inside him was freezing and dying-

But Davey’s expression was as cold as the winter air in the space that did and would continue to separate them. They weren’t what they were. Jack had put that look on Davey’s face; he’d broken the heart of someone who had never been anything but good to him. And he regretted it now, so much, but it was too late. Winter poisons all, in the end.

“It wasn’t,” he continued, fighting back tears. There was no point in making himself into a lovesick fool over someone whom he’d made hate him. “Our friendship, Dave, it means a lot to me. But I don’t regret what I did. I ain’t sorry.” Liar liar _liar_. “I did what I had to, whether or not you like it.”

“God,” Davey muttered, giving Jack a look of disbelief. “Can’t believe I let you convince me there was any point in talking to you.” He started for a few seconds more, giving Jack a chance to redeem himself. Jack didn’t say a word. “I’m going home.”

“See you tomorrow, Dave,” he called out, watching as Davey turned to walk away. An idea, one last feeble attempt to call back to fonder days, came to mind. “Carrying the banner?”

The only response he received was the steady sound of retreating footsteps on cracked concrete.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love me pls im living off of memes and validation
> 
> tfw you havent written characters in ages, havent viewed their source material in even longer, and are basically just going off your own incorrect interpretations of said characters and hoping they arent as OOC as you're pretty sure they are


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> venus loves and supports newsbians. more than you do, more than i do, more than anyone. i aspire to love and support the newsbians the way venus does
> 
> in other words i included my oc in this again i know im garbage but dont worry shes only there for the very beginning of the chapter
> 
>  
> 
> also yall this chapter is 4k words buckle your seatbelts this might be the longest one so far

Sarah hadn’t really expected to see Venus again before the elder left for Europe. With the Jack and Davey chaos combined with how much effort it took to avoid Katherine, she hadn’t been giving Venus much thought in the past two weeks. So, when she saw Venus sitting at her kitchen table, having tea with her mother, she’d nearly had a heart attack on the spot.

After the confusion had cleared, Esther commented that she was very happy to meet Sarah’s friend, whom she referred to with the name ‘Abigail’, which was competing for the most strange aspect of this scenario. Giving some vague response to her mother, Sarah hurried Venus out of the room onto the fire escape. (She frankly didn’t care that her brother and Jack had, in a way, claimed it as their place for dramatic relationship moments; it was a good spot to have discusscuions out of the earshot of her parents. She could take advantage of it, too.) 

Once a few seconds of silence had passed, she began with the obvious. “There is no possible way that your real name is Abigail.”

Venus coyly smiled. “No.”

“‘No’ as in there is _not_ no possible way, or no, your name is not Abigail, because those are two different things.” 

Venus just shrugged. “That’s for me to know, darling.” She shot Sarah another grin and wrapped an arm around her waist. Sarah leaned into the warmth. “Your mother is far less suspicious of me. Maybe I’ll go back to talking to her.”

Sarah covered her face with one hand and whined, “I can’t believe you were talking to my mother.” It was a strange collision of worlds. Her family and Venus were two separate entities she wasn’t keen on overlapping. It was just as uncomfortable as thinking about Venus selling papers with Davey or taking Les to the park. Unnatural. 

“Just being a good friend while I can.” There was a tense moment of silence. “I’m leaving tomorrow,” she stated, as if Sarah couldn’t determine her reasons for the visit herself.

“Oh.” Sarah failed to meet Venus’s green eyes, dulled in the darkness. “So this is goodbye, then?”

Venus hummed. She looked too forlorn to not cause an ache in Sarah’s chest.

“I’ll miss you.” She placed her hand on the side of Venus’s face and turned it so they could meet each other’s eyes. Sarah’s smile was tentative at first, but grew when Venus returned the grin. “Kiss me one last time?”

Venus laughed and pressed her lips to Sarah’s forehead. Which wasn’t exactly what she had meant by the statement, but she’d take it. “I’m sorry that I will not be doing that tonight, my dear.”

“And why not?”

“Several reasons.” She leaned away from Sarah and began to count off on her fingers. “First of all, we are literally outside of your family’s place of residence. Seems unnecessarily risky. Second of all, as I am moving away very soon, I must get you acclimated to living without our relationship. Third of all, we spent the entirety of our last meeting kissing instead of working through your romantic problems and, as your friend, it is my duty to resolve those in any way possible. So, love, tell me. Did you or did you not kiss Katherine Plumber-Pulitzer approximately one week ago in this apartment?”

Sarah pursed her lips. “How do you know that?”

“I didn’t say I knew anything. I merely heard rumors.”

Sarah laughed and shook her head. “From who?”

“‘Whom’, not who.” Sarah had forgotten how pretentious Venus could be, but she really shouldn’t have. A pseudonym like ‘Venus’ served as a constant reminder. “But in answer to your question, I have sources.” Sarah quirked an eyebrow. “Your friend Jack Kelly is very good source of information once he’s had a few drinks. After whining about his relationship with your brother for a few minutes- by the way, you never told me about _that_ affair- I asked a few inconspicuous questions regarding Katherine and yourself and he was actually quite helpful. He didn’t divulge anything concrete; don’t worry, he wasn’t spilling any secrets. But I had an idea of what had happened between you two ladies.”

“How did you even know where he- oh, nevermind.” Venus was more of an enigma than Sarah could ever hope to crack. More pressing than trying to figure out Venus’s unexplainable network of information was the need to keep Jack away from any sort of alcohol before he exposed himself or any of his friends as queers to someone less accepting than Venus. “Yes, something happened.”

“And that is?”

“I kissed her- or she kissed me… or something. I was tipsy; it’s all a bit blurry.” She wished it was a bit clearer. Kissing Katherine was a highlight of her existence and she didn’t want it to be so fleeting from her memory.

The words had brought a smile to Venus’s mouth wider than any Sarah had ever seen on her. Apparently, Venus was far more invested in her and Katherine’s relationship than she’d known. “I’m overjoyed for you, Sarah. But you don’t sound as happily lovestruck as you should. Are the two of you not together?”

“It’s all kind of a mess. We started arguing afterward, because of my fake relationship with Jack and her real one with Darcy, not to mention the whole situation with Davey and Jack that still needs to be resolved- not that that one is my business. And I haven’t even told her about you-”

“Have you spoken to her since?”

Sarah pointedly looked down at her hands. “Haven’t um, haven’t really had the chance.”

“How do you expect to resolve all of these things- many of which I really would like to hear more about, by the way, since when have you and Jack had any sort of relationship? Since when has that relationship been a cover for Jack and Davey’s complicated romance? I feel left out- if you can’t even speak to the girl?” Sarah shrugged. Venus laughed. “I’m only a year older than you; I can’t be this much wiser.” 

Sarah joined in her laughter. “Oh, be quiet.” Venus continued laughing. “But, really, you’re right. You- you’re a good friend, Venus. I’ll miss you.” Sarah could feel herself tear up a bit with the realization that this was it. This was the last time she would be seeing her for years, possibly forever. Was she really so close to Venus? She hadn’t noticed how fond she’d gotten but, thinking about it, she cared more for Venus than she did for anyone outside her family and the girl she was in love with.

“Sarah, I am _begging_ not to cry.” Sarah sniffled and wiped at her eye, knowing that Venus was mostly joking, but still not wanted to break down in tears out here. “Oh, oh gosh, you really are crying.” Venus walked over to Sarah’s shaking body and wrapped strong arms around Sarah’s torso. Sarah leaned into the hug, loving the gentle warmth of the girl’s embrace. They had never hugged before; their relationship had never been about talking and non-sexual intimacy. Sarah couldn’t decide which side she preferred. “It’s not like I’m dying, Sarah,” Venus said, in a way that would have been mocking had there not been an audible crack in her voice. “I’m still going to write you. I have your address.”

“I know, I know. I’m still going to miss you.”

“I will visit, too. And if I don’t hear from my many sources that you and Katherine have figured your relationship, I will return to New York and _make_ the two of you sort your problems out.”

Sarah laughed and pulled Venus closer. “Thank you.” It wasn’t for the threat, but surely Venus understood.

“You’re welcome,” Venus whispered into her ear.

Sarah gripped tight onto her friend in the smog-blocked starlight.

************

Sarah didn’t allow herself to look over the note before giving it away to her youngest brother. She would just overthink it and scribble out what she had already written and try to rewrite it and end up looking like more of an idiot-

And why had she even thought a note would be a good idea in the first place? What if Katherine didn’t get it or misunderstood her tone? She was fully capable to simply go over to Katherine’s home herself, which would have made far more sense-

But what was done was done. She had pawned the note off on Les with instructions to deliver it to Jack who would, in turn, deliver it to Katherine. Normally she would have trusted such a responsibility to Davey rather than Les, but she didn’t want him to have to suffer through any more conversation with Jack than he had to. As far as she had heard, they hadn’t spoken since Davey had left Jack with a black eye. She couldn’t say she wasn’t proud of her brother.

But, really, why was she even overthinking the note?It was incredibly simple- _too simple?_ \- no, no it would be fine, she thought, remembering the words:

_Kath-_

_I want to talk to you. If you are able, please meet me on the roof of my building tonight, eight pm._

_Yours,  
Sarah. _

Maybe the ‘yours’ was too much. But it was true. Surely Kath knew that by now: Sarah’s heart belonged solely to her. 

The day passed slowly. Her textile work was sloppy and her boss was unhappy with her. She made empty promises of working harder, but she knew she was incapable of concentrating. Her thoughts were devoted to Katherine- beautiful, brilliant Kath who had a boy she liked and could marry. Kath, who had said that that boy didn’t matter and that she cared far more for Sarah. Kath, who had, in a way, defended the actions Jack took to break Davey’s heart.

She couldn’t begin to sort it all out. So she toiled and hummed and thought and waited for the clock to free her from the factory’s strict schedule. The bell came and she went and the factory work blurred into the walk home which faded into greeting her family, eating dinner, and finally, finally, reaching the roof.

She sat amongst the hanging laundry, checking her watch every thirty seconds or so as she waited hopelessly. It read 8:00, then 8:05, 8:15, 8:30… _Maybe she just isn't going to come._ The worry ate away at Sarah’s stomach. It was far too likely; of course Kath wouldn't want to go out of her way to leave the house in the freezing weather just to meet with some girl she'd shared one drunken kiss with. Even thinking for a moment that Katherine was at all interested in her was a mistake. Getting her hopes up only to get her heart broken.

The cold that had been eating into her bones for the past forty-five minutes finally grew to be too much. She stood, pulling her shawl closer around her as if she could disappear into it, and was almost at the door when Katherine stepped out onto the roof. The moonlight left silver highlights on her dark curls and made her face glow. Even if Sarah had planned to continue her walk inside, she couldn’t have, as she was stunned in place by Katherine’s beauty. Last time Sarah had seen her out in the cold, she’d looked like a princess. Now, she was an angel.

“Kath,” she whispered. Realizing there was still far too much space between them for the other girl to hear, she tried again. “Katherine. I didn’t think you were coming.”

“I’m sorry I’m late.” The look on her face was apologetic, definitely, but Sarah was far too cold to forgive her so soon. “I was-”

“It’s fine,” Sarah cut her off. She wasn’t in the mood to hear excuses. “I’m fine. I just thought… We should talk.”

“We probably should.”

Neither of them moved or spoke a word.

“...Should we sit?” Katherine asked.

“Yes. Yes, let’s do that.” She cringed at the awkwardness in her voice as she followed Katherine, like a beacon of light in her white dress, across the roof. She folded her skirt beneath her as she took a seat, radiant in the moonlight, waiting for Sarah to join her. Even once she did and they were both seated, nearly a foot of air kept the two from touching. Sarah figured she should begin, but what was there to say? She let the silence permeate the space between them.

Sarah’s fingers clamped around the rough wool of her hood and pulled it down around her shoulders so she could see Katherine in her peripheral. Surprised by the movement, Katherine glanced at her. Her mouth opened to speak, chapped lips forming an unspoken word, before she lost her nerve and turned away, pink dusting her cheekbones. 

“You kissed me,” Sarah started. Katherine’s head swiveled to face her, surprise written over the gorgeous features. Maybe she wasn’t expected Sarah to speak so bluntly.

“Yes,” she agreed. “I did.” Quiet. “I was- to be fair- both of us were drunk.” It stung, a bit, to hear the moment written off as a drunken mistake. But there was more to it. There had to be. “So, if that’s all it was to you, a kiss that occurred while both parties weren’t thinking clearly, that’s fine.”

“Was that all it was to you?”

“Well, I- I don’t…” The tips of Katherine’s ears were pink. Whether it was from nerves or the cold, Sarah couldn’t tell. “I know I’m not your only girl.” 

Sarah was too surprised by the accusation that she didn’t have time to acknowledge Kath’s avoidance of the previous question. “What?”

“That girl- blonde, taller than you- you and her, in the alley, I saw.” _Venus._ “Does she know that we kissed?”

“Yes.” How could she explain what she shared with Venus? She barely understood it herself. “And she doesn’t mind. She and I, we’re not- we’re friends.”

“I would question that but it seems clear you’re perfectly fine kissing your friends with no explanation.” Katherine’s tone was more chilling than the air. Sarah all too often forgot how Katherine, the enthusiastic, clever, adorable writer she befriended, was also Katherine, the secretive, quick-to-anger, beautiful heiress she could never hope to truly know. Sarah knew, from conversations with Jack and what she herself had witnessed, that Kath could be incredibly hot-headed when she wished to be, competitive and brash. But she was just shutting Sarah down, immediately. Was she not worth it to her?

“Don’t blame this all on me- as if I’m the only one who has been ignoring this.”

Katherine scoffed, eyebrows furrowed. “You- you _have someone_. Multiple someones. You had this girl, and Jack-”

“You have Darcy!”

“I ended things with Darcy.” Katherine’s voice was clipped; she was just barely maintaining her anger, hands clenched into fists. “We’re- we’re over.”

“And so are me and Jack.” So, there had never been an official talk between the two of them- mostly because she wasn’t sure if she could get within fifteen feet of Jack without attempting to murder him- but, with the circumstances, it was clear neither of them were going to attempt to uphold the fake relationship. Davey had still insisted that she didn’t need to end it if it helped her. He didn’t want her sacrificing an asset, no matter how much he loved and hated Jack. But there was never a question for her.

“And what about you and the blonde?”

Sarah choked out a laugh and few tears with it. Whether they were for Katherine or Venus, she wasn’t sure. “She’s on a ship to Europe now.”

“Oh, and I’m just her replacement?” Katherine stood, hands wringing. Were there tears in her voice?- Sarah wasn’t sure. “I’m going.”

Sarah was next to her in an instant, grabbing onto her wrist. The white gloves were made of a finer fabric than Sarah had ever had the excuse to wear. “Don’t.” She could hear the softness in her voice. “Please. Katherine,” she whispered, hand raised to touch Katherine’s cheek and turn her face until their eyes met. “You aren’t. You aren’t her replacement. I want to talk about this with you. Honestly.”

Katherine placed her hand on the back of Sarah’s neck. She could feel the heat of Katherine’s hand through the glove. There was a look of indecisiveness, as if she was unsure whether to maintain or drop her anger. After a moment, she smiled. “I do too.” Warmth bloomed in Sarah’s chest and she returned the grin. “It’s- I don’t want us to be like J-” she cut herself off, but Sarah knew what she was about to say: _not like Jack and Davey_. She hated to think of her brother’s pain in such comparative terms, but she agreed. “I want us to make this work. Whatever it is.”

“Me too.” She tucked strands of Katherine’s hair behind her ear. “No more fighting, until we actually understand everything.”

“Good plan, Ms. Jacobs.” And then they were holding hands. Sarah’s heart leapt. “Now, please tell me about this girl, because I’m more confused than I like to be about anything.”

Sarah nodded. There had been a horrible thought festering in the back of her mind that she was sure wasn’t true; it didn’t make sense. But after everything with Jack and her brother, she couldn’t help but fear. “Of course. I just- I just have a question. Did you only kiss me because you knew I like girls?”

Her eyebrows furrowed. “Sarah-”

“Look, you were defending Jack, who slept with Davey just because he knew my brother liked boys. Did you see me with Venus- that’s not her real name, I don’t know her real name- and decided to try kissing me? Was it a kind of test just to see if _maybe-_ ”

Katherine’s mouth fell open as she shook her head, more surprised than anything else.“ _No_. Sarah, you think I would-” Katherine’s words fell from her mouth in a jumbled rush of reassurances. “I know what I said about Jack, but I swear to you I am not in defense of what he did to your brother. He broke Davey’s heart and that was wrong and I haven’t forgiven him for it. It’s one of the worst things you can do to someone, give them that hope before taking it away…” She sounded like she was speaking from personal experience. Sarah wondered what she’d thought when she first saw her and Venus in that alley. Guilt stabbed her stomach like an arrow. “I would never do that to anyone. Never to you,” she spoke as if the idea was unfathomable to her. “How could I? God, Sarah, I- I think I’m in love with you.” This was no rushed, unplanned confession, yelled in the middle of an argument, the way she’d accidentally shared Davey’s secret. Her hand was in Sarah’s, she was confessing her love, and Sarah couldn’t tell if the sound of tear-filled laughter was coming from her mouth or Katherine’s.

“You’re in love with me?” It was far too good to be true. Katherine liking her, she could imagine. Katherine loving her, maybe. Katherine being _in love_ with her, it was- Amazing. Unexplainably so. Her love was reciprocated in full by the most beautiful, the smartest, best woman she’d ever known. She might cry. Scratch that, she already was crying.

Katherine’s face was more pink than it had been all evening. “Yes. I am.” There was hesitation in her voice, but she wasn’t one to voice doubts.

Even if she had had something else to say, she wouldn’t have ad the chance, as Sarah threw herself into her arms a moment later. She buried her face in the crook of Katherine’s neck and whispering into her hair, “I love you, too. I love you, Katherine. I love you.”

Katherine’s breath hitched and she tugged Sarah closer. “You love me.”

“I love you.”

“Can I kiss you?”

Sarah laughed, her open mouth catching the tears that had trailed down her cheeks. She wanted to say _yes, yes, of course, I love you_ , but the tears caught the words in her throat. So she did the next best thing: closing the distance between them and catching Katherine’s mouth with her own.

It wasn’t an explosion of heat. It wasn’t coordinated- though it was considerably moreso than what Sarah remembered of their last kiss; at least they weren’t drunk. Their noses knocked and Katherine’s mouth tasted of salt, both of their tears mingling against their lips. But it was warmth, and it was _Katherine_ , and in the winter’s cold, what else did she need?

They broke apart, laughing and crying simultaneously. “I love you,” Katherine whispered once more. “But I still want to know about- what did you say her name was?”

“Pseudonym more than name, but Venus.” Katherine nodded, still wary. “I was telling the truth. She’s my friend. We met at your last birthday. I didn’t know almost anyone there and you were entertaining rich people and Jack and Davey were off doing something together-”

“If I remember that night correctly, what they were doing was vandalizing my father’s property. Or, Jack was, while Davey tried to tell him not to about once before giving up, because I personally think that your brother enjoys the chaos as much as Jack does-” she stopped, eyes widening with what was likely the realization that she’d interrupted. “But that is completely besides the point,” Katherine finished her tangent with a blush. Sarah laughed and leaned over to kiss her on the cheek. “What was that for?”

“You’re very endearing, Katherine.” Katherine smiled. “But, as I was saying, I was alone and a bit tipsy and barely coming to terms with the fact that I may have some interest in women as well as men, women being you, by the way. And then your pretty blonde acquaintance was flirting with me, giving me a fake name and telling me fantastical, likely false stories. One thing led to another and we both had a lot to drink, and we kissed. Not in the middle of your party,” she clarified, like it was even needed. “Outside. And afterward, I kept in touch. And we would talk and kiss and not go any farther than that. But I never felt anything besides friendship for her, not like what I felt for you. And I don’t think she gets romantic feelings at all, so that was a non-issue.”

Katherine nodded, still a bit confused, Sarah could tell. “Alright. But, if she weren’t in Europe now, would you have kept kissing her?”

“If I was with you? Probably not.” She shrugged. She hadn’t given it that much thought, considering that she had had little hope Katherine would love her before the time she learned Venus was moving to Europe and it became a moot point. “But, you have to understand, the kissing didn’t _mean_ anything. We were bored and we like kissing and we were friends. Kissing her was a part of our friendship. Kissing you is a part of how in love with you I am.” She squeezed Katherine’s hand in her own, sharing a smile. Kath nodded and Sarah could see the trust in her gaze. This. This is what she’d wanted for so long. And she had it.

“Thank you for telling me.”

“Thank you for being the most amazing woman on the planet.”

Katherine laughed and took Sarah’s face in her hands. “I’d debate that. I think the title should go to you.”

Sarah blushed. “Oh, just kiss me.” And Katherine obliged.

The memory of the rest of that night faded quickly, leaving in its wake only thoughts of the warmth their shared embrace granted, the ‘ _I love you_ ’s Sarah murmured against Katherine’s mouth, and the unspoken promise of the future they would share.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!  
>  and thats it for the newsbian arc!!! i love my girls so much  
> the rest of the chapters are going to go like this (no spoilers, of course)  
> 13- end of the javid arc (sorta)  
> 14- newsbian epilogue  
> 15- javid epilogue  
> and then we're done!!  
> also good news i have almost all of the next chapter's first draft written, so it should be out in no more than three or four days
> 
> so Katherine's white dress that i meantioned? totally pictured that as natasha's from great comet. despite the fact that that took place almost a century prior in russia
> 
> also yes i KNOW theyre out of character, im sorry, idk how to fix this
> 
> please let me know what you think! comments are what fuel me to be a semi-functional human. Thank you for reading!!!!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is long as HELL so buckle up

Eight days after he’d last seen him, Davey found a pack of Jack’s cigarettes that had fallen under his bed. The immediate temptation was to throw away the small box out of anger because he didn’t have any use for it. No one in his family smoked; they all hated the smell of burning tobacco and figured they were a waste of money they couldn’t afford. But these ones were Jack’s. It was a stupid, petty act of spite, but Davey indulged himself anyway, turning the half-empty package in his hands and picking one out, holding it between two fingers. He walked out to the fire escape to light it. His palm sheltered the flame from the wind long enough for the fire to catch and for his hand to get a spot of warmth in the cold.

It wasn’t the first time he’d smoked, but it felt like it. He inhaled too fast and ended up coughing, white breath mingling with grey smoke in the air. It was pretty embarrassing, but at least no one else was dumb enough to stand on their fire escapes in the dead of winter, so no one was there to see. And, even with the city lights, he could barely see his own hands, let alone any other people who may be outside.

A few minutes passed and he was almost used to the feeling of smoke filling his lungs. It wasn’t particularly pleasant; its smell and taste seem to imprint themselves in his throat as a thin, constant coating of smog. There was supposed to be some sort of calming effect triggered by the tobacco, but he felt nothing. The only solace it gave him was that the smell reminded him of Jack. God, he really was that pathetic. Letting himself freeze half to death outside while Jack probably hadn’t given him a second thought in the past week.

And that was really what stung the most. Jack didn’t even _care_ about being his friend anymore. He didn’t hate Davey- if what he’d said was true, that is, which Davey wasn’t completely sold on- but, once he’d served his purpose, Jack had tossed him aside. Sure, it wasn’t like Davey had made any effort to speak to him, even make eye contact with him, in the past week, but why should he have to?

_If Jack actually cared about me or my friendship or anything besides his own damn satisfaction, he would have tried to talk to me._

_Fuck him._

“It doesn’t make _sense_ ,” he murmured, looking out over the dark, dreary city as if someone would concur. His only response was the harsh wind threatening to extinguish his cigarette. 

He sat down on the stairs. Standing was tiring and at least he had some protection from the wind, here. He breathed out a cloud of smoke and stretched out his long legs. _It doesn’t make any goddamn sense_ , he repeated, but in his own mind, this time. He wanted someone to talk about this with. There was Sarah, but she was so freshly in reciprocated love that he didn’t want to drag her down with him problems. Jack was obviously off the list as well. And literally every other friend he had was far closer to Jack than to him, so what was even the point?

Another reason why Davey was pathetic: he was incapable of making close friends without falling in hopeless, unrequited love.

He racked his brain, trying desperately to remember if Jack had ever actually said ‘I love you’. The fact that he had to search at all highly implied the opposite, because surely Davey would remember if he had. But, even if he hadn’t said it outright, he’d made it clear, hadn’t he? Why would he imply that _at all_ if he wasn’t sure about his feelings?

What was the point of that second night at all, really? Surely Jack would have figured out whether or not he had feelings for Davey after sleeping with him. Did he also need to confess his love (sort of), make Davey do the same, kiss him softly and sweetly, dance with him, come back at the end of the night with those gentle eyes and soft lips that made Davey fall harder every second? What had changed between then and the next morning? Why did he need to make his lack of feelings clear by hurting Davey in the worst way possible? What did Davey do?

The cigarette had almost burned down to his fingers. He pulled out another one and lit it, just for something to do.

There wasn’t an explanation. Jack’s statement certainly wasn’t one; no, it had too many holes to be true. If he’d said it was a joke, a sick prank to see if he could get the queer to sleep with him or fall in love with him, Davey would have believed him. Been heartbroken beyond words, definitely, but at least he wouldn’t be out in the cold, poisoning his lungs with smoke in an attempt to figure out Jack’s side to all of this.

He wanted- _needed_ \- a real, valid account of what happened. If he could put his mind and rest and silence that one despicably hopeful part of his brain that swore that Jack had meant all of those beautiful things, that something or someone had made him break Davey’s heart, that there was still hope, it would be enough, even if his heart was shattered.

He left the butt of the cigarette to burn to ash on the metal floor.

************

He found Jack in one of the back rooms of Medda’s theater, hunched over his sketchbook in the low light. He forced himself to not spend long appreciating the way he looked in the near-darkness. The shadows brought out a sharpness of his features Davey didn’t often see. “Jack,” he called, watching the other boy close the book and straighten his back within a second. The look of determination that had tightened his features while drawing faded, replaced with soft confusion. He didn’t expect Davey to be there. He didn’t expect Davey to be so pathetic as to keep coming back to him, time after time, even when he clearly didn’t want him around.

“Dave.”

“You left these at my house,” Davey said, tossing Jack the now near-empty pack of cigarettes as he sat down next to him. Watching Jack grin as he caught the box made his chest ache. He missed making Jack smile.

Jack put his sketchbook on the ground as he stared at the small box. “Knew I’d lost a pack of these.” He opened the package and looked inside, smile fading to a frown. “Coulda sworn there were more in here?”

“I had a few.”

“Since when do you smoke?”

_Since you started ignoring me_. Davey shrugged. “Thought I’d try it.”

“What’d you think?”

“They taste like a fireplace.”

Jack laughed. Warmth bloomed in Davey’s stomach. “Yeah, you ain’t wrong. Eh, you get used to it.”

They were quiet for a minute. Jack, likely not wanting to take out his sketchbook in Davey’s line of sight, began scribbling on his hand. The small drawings had too much elegance to be sketched out on skin, Davey thought. He shifted his gaze from Jack’s hands to his profile, noticing the concentration written across his features: teeth biting down on his lower lip, eyebrows furrowed, gaze solely focused on his art. The ring around his eye from when Dave had punched him had faded, the once purple-blue tint now an almost unnoticeable yellow tinge. Davey forced down a touch of guilt.

“How are you?” He asked out of the blue, drawing Jack’s surprise attention.

“Huh?”

“Your eye,” Davey clarified. “How’s it healing?”

Jack raised a hand to his face, giving Davey a better view of the intricate line work leading up his wrist. “It don’t hurt much no more.” Davey shouldn’t have felt so relieved. “But the guys won’t stop teasing me about being beat up by _you_.” The emphasis on ‘you’ made it clear that none of his friends had expected Davey to win in a fight. Which was fair; had Jack actually fought back, Davey wouldn’t have had a chance. He couldn’t help feeling a bit offended, though.

“They knew it was me?”

“Course they did. You come up to me all hostile, we go outside, ten minutes later I come back with a shiner. Don’t take a genius.” Recognizing the worry in Davey’s expression, he reached out as if to touch a shoulder or arm, but pulled back at the last moment. “They didn’t- they all think it was a protective brother thing. Ya know, cause of Sarah.” He didn’t look a Davey when he spoke. It was a sore topic for both of them.

“It was because of Sarah,” he muttered, arms crossed over his chest.

Jack hummed. “Yeah.” Davey was far too conscious of the space between them. He noticed as Jack’s fingers moved closer to his, not making contact but still undeniably there. Almost against his will, Davey’s hand slipped along the cold wood floor, contributing to the eradication of the space while still not taking the risk and initiating touch. “I miss you, Davey.” 

Davey’s head turned to the side. His breath caught in his throat and he wanted to yell. He wanted to scream at Jack for saying that because he _didn’t_. He didn’t miss Davey and he wasn’t allowed to say that and give Davey any hope. The words were there, aching to escape his throat, but when he opened his mouth, all he managed to say was, “I miss you too.” Jack’s smile was so soft that Davey briefly forgot to hate him. But then he remembered that the same mouth that was twisted up in such an affectionate expression had also kissed his sister. Davey pulled his hand into his lap. “You could’ve shown it a bit better. You could talk to me.” It was like he wasn’t even _trying_ to not sound pathetic.

“Hey, to be fair, you was avoiding me too. I was pretty sure either you or Sarah would punch me if I tried to talk to you again.” The corner of Davey’s mouth quirked upward before he pushed it down. “Hey, hey, Davey, look at me.” Davey did, because he had never been good at refusing Jack. “I really don’t want you to hate me. It’s kinda killing me, honestly.” Jack’s smile was small and his eyes were so sincere. His hand was on Davey’s bicep. This proximity was going to be the end of him.

He wanted to tell Jack it was too late. Davey already hated him because of the way he’d hurt him and there was nothing he could do to fix it, but, once again, his voice betrayed him. “I don’t hate you, Jack.” Jack started to smile, but Davey needed to clarify. “I’m angry with you. I really want to hate you. But I don’t.”

“You’re completely in your rights to hate me, Dave. But still, I wanna fix this.” Both of his hands were on Davey’s shoulders. The motion startled him and he placed his hands on Jack’s waist to steady himself. “Tell me how to fix this.”

“I don’t think you can.” Because what could he do? Davey couldn’t just go back to being his friend after all he’d done. Hell, Jack could confess his love- not that he would- and Davey would still be mad. He’d broken Davey’s heart. There was no word or action that could serve as a panacea for all the various types of hurt Jack had caused.

Davey hadn’t realized he was tearing up until Jack moved a hand to wipe at the skin below his eye. “Let me try. What can I do?”

“I don’t know.” He’d thought of many ways he could over the past weeks. When he was angrier, it was along the lines of making Jack beg on his hands and knees for forgiveness. Usually, it was just for just to try to be his friend until Davey forgave him. But now, with Jack’s face so close to his, none of those came to mind. “I don’t know.”

“Can I try something?”

Perhaps if Davey had paid more attention to reading the situation and determining the, in retrospect, fairly obvious implications of what Jack was saying and doing, he would have seen where this was going and stopped it. But Jack’s hands were combing through his hair and he could barely think in any capacity, so he just nodded.

Jack opened his mouth as if he was going to say something. Instead, in cupped Davey’s face in his hand and moved closer. His eyes never left contact with Davey’s as he leaned, only beginning to flutter shut when he leaned in even closer. When their lips finally touched, Davey felt far more surprise than he should have. But maybe he did see this coming. Maybe he didn’t want to stop it.

Davey remembered their previous kisses being significantly better. Though, that was likely because Davey actually participated in those, instead of sitting still while Jack moved his lips against his and he tried to figure out what the hell he was supposed to do.

He decided on shoving Jack away from him.

The push was weak and Jack was barely moved an inch, but at least his lips were no longer hot against his and Davey could _think_. He met Jack’s wide eyes with his equally confused gaze. Jack opened his mouth to speak but Dave couldn’t bear to hear him now. His eyebrows furrowed and lips parted. “Fuck you,” he managed to gasp out through the tears that were quickly building in his eyes. He shoved him again, pushing himself off the ground and preparing to run away as fast as he could.

“Davey, wait!” He walked faster. When a hand clasped around his wrist, he attempted to escape the grip, not giving a single glance back. “Please, Davey. David.” He immediately stilled upon hearing the name. Jack hadn’t called him that since-

“Let me go.” He hated himself for crying, but it must have had some effect. The tension around his wrist released and he was tempted to run. But he was angry, so angry, and he _still_ didn’t have his explanation. “I know this- this is just a joke to you so leave me out of it, Jack. You got me to sleep with you, now, leave me alone.” 

“David-”

“Congratulations, Jack. You found out I’m a queer, you can go tell all of your friends how I was dumb enough to fall in love with you. Ruin my life. Just- just tell why.” He was proud of how little his voice shook as he spoke. If his tone remained cold and flat, maybe Jack would ignore the tears streaking down his face.

“It ain’t a joke, Davey.” He was both relieved and disappointed by the use of his nickname. “I meant what I was saying, I really wanna fix this.”

“How.” Davey took a step back. The farther he was from Jack, the easier it was to keep emotion out of his voice. He didn’t need to cry any more. “By manipulating my feelings for you? You can’t do that to me, Jack.”

Jack reached a hand out to him but Davey flinched away. He drew his hand back to his chest, looking discouraged. “I didn’t mean-”

“No, you didn’t mean it, you never do.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’m not like you, Jack. I don’t fall in love with someone new every week. When I say things, I mean them. I’d forgotten that you don’t.” He noticed the way Jack’s jaw set but continued nonetheless. “Either it’s me-”

“Dave.”

“Or Katherine-”

“Davey.”

“Or my _sister_ -”

“David!”

“Or some girl you found at a bar whose name you don’t remember a week later! And you always say it’s love but it _never_ is. God, Jack, you have no idea. No idea how it feels to be in love. And I hate that you don’t because I want you to. I want you to spend months hopelessly wanting someone, and the moment you have the tiniest ounce of hope, they rip it away from you. I want someone to shatter your heart, Jack. I want someone to hurt you the way-”

“Please, Davey-”

“The way _you_ hurt _me_!” He tried to steady his breathing but there was no point now. He could feel the heat on his face from both his blush and the hot tears trailing down either cheek. He wiped at his face once, as if it would do anything to eliminate the cracked weakness of his voice when he whispered, as almost an afterthought, “I just… I really thought you loved me, Jack.”

Davey didn’t know what he’d expected. Yelling, maybe? Indignance? Jack to hit him or laugh at him or to walk right out?

All he was met with was a quiet sob.

He wondered how it took so long for him to realize that Jack was crying. He was shaking, the lower half of his face was in his hands, and tears were glistening in his wide eyes. Davey’s anger conflicted with his concern for the boy he was in love with. He wanted to pull Jack to his chest at the same time he wanted to walk out and leave him to his pain. He did neither. “Dave… Davey, fuck. I’m sorry,” was all Jack said.

“That doesn't make it better.”

“Look, I tried, Davey. I tried so hard to make you stop loving me.” Jack wrapped his arms around himself. “You’re too damn stubborn, Dave.” It sounded like he was trying to make a joke, but his voice was still hoarse from crying.

“Is it really that horrible, having me love you?” He barely felt the dull pang in his chest. Too much sorrow had inflicted him that day; this wasn't any worse.

“No.” He was smiling at Davey again, soft and sad. “Nah, David. You loving me was far better than I deserved. It’s only horrible for you.”

“It is better than you deserve.” Davey didn’t understand the rest of his statement. “I won’t apologize for loving you, but I can promise you I’m trying to not be. And not for your sake. For me. So, go ahead, screw with the lives of girls and boys as you want. I’ll get over it.”

“I won’t.”

“What?”

“I ain’t getting over you, Dave. There won't be other girls or other boys. It’s just you.”

“I don’t-”

“You’re the only person, hell, you’ve been the only person in so long.”

“Jack, stop it.”

“I’m in love with you, David.”

If Davey hadn’t promised himself he wouldn’t cry, he would be in tears. If he hadn’t promised himself that he would stay and hear out Jack’s explanation, he would be out the door. This was far worse than the kiss. “No, you aren’t.”

“I really, really am, Dave.” His ink-covered hand ran through his dark hair, working out knots with his long, artist fingers. “Everything I said to you, the first two nights, all that was real.”

Davey shook his head. “I don’t believe you.” He couldn’t. If he let himself, everything would just hurt more when it came crashing down. “I don’t know what the point of this is, so stop.”

“I haven’t given you any reason to believe what I’m saying and I ain’t expecting you to forgive me. Just wanna let you know, I love you and I’m sorry. You ain’t never done anything to deserve what I did to you and I’m sorry. I ain’t- I ain’t too good at apologies so I’m gonna leave it at that.”

“Why?” His voice came more pained than he intended. “Why did you… you know?”

Jack chuckled. It was an angry sort of noise that might have worried Davey, had it been directed at him. “The fucking Delancys. They saw me and you and they threatened to spread this rumor about us. And I wasn’t willing to risk that. You cared so much more about bein’ caught than I did. So I promised them that I’d break your heart, make it worse for both of us, if they didn’t tell anyone.” Jack still wasn’t looking at him. Which, Davey supposed, was probably good. Davey was caving and he could tell it showed on his face. “It made sense when I made the deal. Still kinda does. But I never hated myself more than when I saw you finding out about me and Sarah. I thought I could keep it up, for your sake. Cause if you ain’t with me, you can move on, live a better life. I would just stay away for a while, then we could go back to being friends. And I knew I wasn’t going to stop loving you, but if I could just-” His next sound was either a laugh or a sob, Davey wasn’t sure. “Couldn’t even keep my mouth shut without fucking up.”

“That- that doesn’t even- why would you- Sarah-” His sentences were as incoherent as his mind, a gross amalgamation of every angry, despairing, and hopeful thought that passed through his brain. He wanted so badly to forgive but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t let himself.

Jack sniffed and pushed his hair back with one hand. “Cause I’m a dumbass, Dave. Fuck, this is like, like the goddamn strike all over again. I keep doing these things and hurting you even though I never _wanna_ hurt you. And all of it I do, I do it for you- I ever tell you why I took the money? Yeah, he was threatening my friends, but _you_ , he used you specifically cause he knew it would get to me- but I still get it wrong.”

“Maybe because you shouldn’t assume what’s best for me.”

“Yeah, well, what can I say, Dave? I’m a fuckup.”

“You can’t-” Davey’s nails dug into the flesh of his palms, threatening to break skin. “You don’t get to blame the mistakes you made on- on being a fuckup. There isn’t something inside you that _made you_ do this, you made the choice and you messed up and you have to own up to it and grow from it.”

Jack’s eyebrows furrowed and anger tinged his words. “Look, I didn’t show up for a fucking sermon. I already apologized, alright?”

“Apologize again.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. Alright? I fucked up, it was my fault, I ruined whatever we have, lost my chance. I wanna make it up to you but I don’t even know how…” He averted his eyes. “Believe me, I am. I am sorry, Davey. Probably more than I’ve been my whole life.”

He was quiet for a minute, unsure what to say, then corrected: “David.”

Jack finally looked up to meet his eyes. “Huh?”

“David. Call me David. Not Davey.”

Jack looked up at him; Davey was so close to him now that that was required. “David.” 

Davey smiled but didn’t move. “Better.”

Jack gave an obvious glance down and Davey’s lips before reestablishing eye contact. Then he smiled, a tentative grin that was just a smidge of confidence away from being his usual cocky expression. “David,” he repeated, before leaning just a bit closer. “I love you.” And, with one hand on the small of Jack’s back and the other on the back of his neck, Davey kissed him. Jack reciprocated immediately, one arm looping around Davey’s torso as the other reached up to cup his face in one hand. Davey had missed this. The last two weeks he’d been starving without knowing it, withering away without this, and with Jack’s lips on his own, he finally felt full again.

Davey was the first to pull away. He watched as Jack’s dark eyes fluttered open and his lips, still half forming a kiss, stretched into a wide smile. He glanced down at his hand and laughed. “What?” Davey asked, curiosity beside the swell of affection.

Jack held up the hand he’d been drawing on, all the gentle lines now smudged. “Mighta gotten a bit of ink on your face.” Imagining what he must look like, Davey began to laugh too, stopping only when Jack pressed their lips together again. He pulled away quickly, just to whisper, “I love you,” against Davey’s mouth.

He could have this, he thought. Davey could forgive him, he could have Jack’s love, he could let the sorrow and heartbreak of the past two weeks fade to a memory that he and Jack might laugh about one day. He could be Jack’s and Jack could be his and he could kiss him and make love to him and spend every moment happy knowing that Jack adored him.

It was a nice thought. But it was nothing more than that.

Even now, the feeling of Jack’s lips fresh on his own, the sound of Jack’s ‘I love you’ echoing in his mind, Jack himself standing in front of him with a soft, joyful smile on its lips, it wasn’t enough. Davey was perpetually on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop, unable to even believe his own situation because he just didn’t trust Jack. He couldn’t let himself believe that, simply because Jack loved now, he still would tomorrow. And he was still mad. Jack loved him, but not enough to not shatter his heart in the name of some badly-thought out deal.

Ignoring the pain in his gut as he did so, he stepped away. “I can’t do this, Jack.” Watching Jack’s smile fall was almost enough to make him run back into his arms. “I don’t- I’m still mad.”

“I get it, Dave. But I swear, I was just doing what I thought would help.” He looked so _honest_. Well, as honest as he ever did. He was definitely telling the truth, but that truth had hurt Davey and he wasn’t yet ready to forgive.

“Why didn’t you just talk to me?” That was the main problem he’d had with Jack’s story. “If you’d just told what had happened with the Delancys, I would have understood. If you told me you needed to fake a relationship with Sarah to sell the story, I wouldn’t have liked it, but I would’ve understood. We said we were going to talk to each other but you just… You didn’t.”

“Look, it was more than that, Dave.”

“Then what was it?”

“You know.” Davey really didn’t. He raised an eyebrow and Jack sighed, exasperated. “We both know you deserve better than me.”

Davey’s eyebrows furrowed and he crossed his arms over his chest. The statement angered him more than it probably should’ve. “Why is it up to you to decide what I deserve? You don’t get to break my heart because you don’t think you’re worth my love. So stop blaming this on your insecurities and give me a real explanation.”

Jack laughed, disbelieving. “Shit, Davey. Way to shut me down. But, look, I stand by what I said. You’re pretty much the smartest guy I know, you got a good family, you’ve actually gone to school. Hell, you could have a real future. Rumors are rumors but what if one of them caught? Dunno if you could get arrested for some whispers, but it could fuck up your reputation, your career, your whole goddamn life. I ain’t letting myself be the cause of that.”

“And you’re saying that, just because you leave me now, I’m going to be able to go on and live some normal life with a wife and kids?”

Jack shrugged. “Yeah, sure.” The words came out as more of a question. Jack could clearly sense the anger and mocking in Davey’s tone but, judging by his furrowed eyebrows, he had no idea what he was supposed to respond.

“Are you really that narcissistic?” Davey’s eyebrows furrowed and his fists clenched because he didn’t know what he wanted out of Jack’s explanation, but it had been better than _this_. “Believe it or not, you’re not the only boy I’m going to love, Jack. I’m going to grow up and get over you and I’m going to fall for men and I’ll probably sleep with some of them and if I get caught, I will. And that thought is terrifying and, hell, being this way is terrifying, but I can’t do anything about it and, most of the time, I don’t _want_ to. You can’t save me, Jack, because I _don’t need saving_.” His voice had risen until he was yelling by the end. It occurred to him, halfway through the speech, that, as angry as he was with Jack, he was just as relieved. He wanted to be mad. He wanted to have a reason for throwing away a relationship that had made him happier than he’d been in ages. He needed to yell and argue and convince himself that he wasn’t making a mistake.

Jack just stared at him, eyes wide and unblinking. “Shit,” he mumbled. “Damn, Davey, I didn’t think you had it in ya for a speech like that.” His chuckle fell flat in the tense air. “I’m sorry.”

He could already feel the heat fading from his cheeks and the anger tightening his chest subsided. He looked at Jack, beautiful and heartbroken and full of feeble apologies, and wondered if he ever could accept them. “It’s- it’s fine, Jack.” Only after saying it did he realize the words could be construed as acceptance of the apology, but he trusted Jack enough to believe he could determine what he had meant. It was about the only way he trusted Jack right now. “I’m going home.”

“Dave, wait-”

“I don’t have time-”

“Is this it?” He asked, despite the fact that Davey still stood face facing away from him. It wasn’t enough to make him turn yet. “I get you’re mad, I ain’t trying to make you forgive me, but tell me honestly. What is this to you?”

“I- What do you mean?” His words echoed into the open air in front of him.

“Are we a ‘one day’ or a ‘never’?”

Davey’s shoes tapping on the wooden floor were the only sound as he turned to answer honestly, “I don’t know.” He couldn’t imagine himself ever being with Jack without having that painful stab of anxiety and fear that it was all a lie. But that was now and he couldn’t speak for the future. Maybe there was one where he could love Jack and forget the past. Maybe not. He just didn’t know.

“Cause- I mean- Look, I dunno if it’s even possible for me to fall out of love with you at this point, but I wanna know if this could ever happen or if you’re giving up entirely. And if you don’t wanna answer, I ain’t mad. Just give me the word, Dave, and I’ll never bring it up again.” He was trying so hard. He wanted to make this work, he wanted to fix this. And Davey really wished he could.

“Just be my friend, Jack.” He stepped closer to him in the low light. With his own shaky smile mirrored on Jack’s expression and the proximity and the softness in his own voice, he could almost convince himself that this was before. That they had merely snuck into Medda’s theatre together to escape the crowds or the weather and were just two friends, nothing else marring that. “I can’t tell you it could never happen. But I can’t let you have hope when I don’t know. Let’s be what we were before and if you give me time, maybe.”

“Sounds like a fair deal.” He was trying not to cry and was hiding it quite well. If Davey didn’t know him better, he never would have suspected a thing. Forcing a smile onto his features, Jack put out a hand for Davey to shake, the opposite to the one that had smudged ink on Davey’s cheek. “Friends?”

Davey glanced at the outstretched hand, smiled at Jack, and pulled him into a tight hug. “Friends,” he whispered, voice ghosting over Jack’s ear. He stayed in Jack’s tight embrace far longer than was probably appropriate, but just long enough to map the feeling of warmth and strength wrapped around him in his memories. His hand cupped the side of Jack’s face as he stepped out of the hug, before leaning in once more, just long enough to press his lips to Jack’s cheek.

“See you tomorrow, Davey.” The nickname sent a sort of melancholy feeling through Davey’s heart. ‘David’ was a name for them, to follow Jack’s ‘I love you’s and for him to mumble between kisses. It wasn’t for friendship. And that was what they had now, as Davey had decided. 

“See you tomorrow.” He gave Jack one last small smile before turning and walking out of the room, telling himself over and over again in his mind that, no matter the pain in his chest, he’d made the right decision. Maybe he hurt himself and Jack now, but they were friends again and that was far more important than a relationship ultimately doomed by the mistakes they’d both made.

He ignored the sound of a muffled sob, just barely audible through the closing door. 

What would be the point of going back?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** for the record, though i thought it was important for davey to have some doubt about this decision he is making, overall, I as the author support his choice. as much as i love the boys they just aren't fit to work out right now.**
> 
> So this is the end of the main plotline!!! Wow!! two epilogues to go (for the two couples respectively) and then ill finally be done with this huge ass project that was never meant to go on this long (like, really, i expected this to be now more than 15, maybe 20k works. look where we are now)
> 
> To anyone who is still actually reading this, thank you. I love and appreciate you guys so much and the comments you grace me with (i am absolute garbage at responding, but comments are like treasures to me). Thank you again. Please let me know how I did with this chapter (because really im at a loss for characterization at this point) and have a great day!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS FUCKERS  
> and for those of you who do not celebrate, happy holidays/happy monday, fuckers
> 
> uhh yeah so i decided to end this a chapter early cause as much as i absolutely ADORE the newsbians, i had like -3 inspiration for writing their epilogue and ive been writing this shit since AUGUST i need to be done with it
> 
> so if yall want a good 5k of jack pining, here it is
> 
> there are flashbacks (in italics) and the flashbacks are not in order cause i don't follow the rules
> 
> ps i only read this through twice so its kinda shitty but i really want to post it tonight so ill be probably be editing a bit more tomorrow morning

David Jacobs, at age twenty-two, was no less beautiful than he had been every other year Jack had known him. He wasn’t any less clever, well-spoken, or kind. If anything, he only exemplified these traits _more_.

It was goddamn torture and Jack wasn’t sure why any gods that may be out there thought it was just to put him through this. But, that being said, this was the first time Jack had seen Davey in half a year. The happiness far outweighed the pain.

“Dave, you ain’t even gonna come say hi to me?” Jack leaned against the doorframe of the Jacobs’ apartment (he was a bit too old to climb in the fire escape window every time he came to visit), attempting to look more blasé than he felt. He was fairly sure he looked calm and a bit cocky, which, theoretically, did wonders to hide the fact that his heart was beating at an unhealthy pace.

Davey turned away from the newspaper he was reading to look at Jack. The confusion on his face was quickly replaced by that wide, beautiful grin that still had the ability to make Jack’s knees weak. Seriously, had Davey smiled at him like that and told him to take a dive off the Brooklyn bridge, he would’ve done it. Yes, he knew he was a disaster. “Jack!”

Jack pushed himself off the wall and sauntered, hands in pockets, closer to Davey. As he neared him, he wondered whether or not it would be appropriate to hug his friend. He decided not to. “You really hurt my pride, ya know? Having to hear that you’re back third-hand from Katherine, it broke my heart.” This was, of course, an exaggeration. Davey definitely did own his heart, and the news of his return had been a surprise, but it’d done nothing to shatter his feelings. No, Davey had never done a thing to hurt Jack. Not on purpose.

“Sorry, Jack.” Davey moved his hands to rest on Jack’s biceps. Any annoyance Jack might have been feeling- which was close to none to begin with- was immediately overwhelmed by the joy of being in such close proximity to Dave. And then, without really any warning, Davey was hugging him and it instantly became the best day Jack had had in some time. “I was going to come find you,” Davey assured, stepping out of the embrace. “Are you still living with Crutchie?”

Jack nodded. “Yeah, and we ain’t far. You should stop by cause, trust me, Crutchie misses you. And so do the other guys. We gotta all go out together now that you’re back.” He meant every word of his statement, but ‘all’ had a loose definition, at best. The number of friends Jack had seen leave the city was only slightly higher than the number he knew had died. Along with those who he’d stopped hearing from with no explanation, nearly half the people he and Davey had sold papers among were far beyond his reach. At least Davey had returned. The same couldn’t be said for many other friends. “Seeing as you couldn’t the last time you’d visited.”

“In my defense, I could only come home for five days around the holidays, all of which were during Hanukkah, which made everything a bit more complicated. Not to mention, the final semester was unbelievably stressful.” Davey shook his head. “At least I’m done now.”

“Yeah, you’re a real scholar, Dave.” Jack smiled. He was proud, so proud, of Davey. After his father had gotten a new job, Davey had returned to and finished school. With a diploma and a fairly high class rank for a kid who’d missed about six months of learning, he managed to get into a good college halfway across the country. And he’d gone. His nearly-uninterrupted four-year absence came with an ever-present ache in Jack’s chest, but he dulled the pain with pride. Davey was doing something with his life. He was going to have a future, just like Jack had hoped he would. And that future would be here. He was back in the city for good and Jack couldn’t be happier. “I’m glad you’re home, Dave.”

Davey smiled. “I am too.”

***

_“So, college, then.” Jack stood next to his friend on the fire escape, overlooking the city. The humidity in the air left a misty layering over the streets, making the people appear as dolls and the carriages as led by toy horses. It would make a gorgeous painting, he thought. But there would always be time to draw the city. His true muse, on the other hand, was leaving painfully soon. And he wouldn’t even return the gaze Jack fixed on him._

_Davey was looking up at the sky as if there were some secrets of the universe he was hoping to find in the smog-filled atmosphere. Maybe there were, and Jack just couldn’t see them. “Yeah.”_

_“You’re leaving tomorrow,” he tried again, hoping Davey would turn his head. Still, nothing._

_“Yeah.”_

_Davey’s tone was curt, clipped, and terse. Devoid of emotion and filled with apathy and Jack wondered whether it was his fault for Davey’s distress. He sent out a short prayer to the God he didn’t believe in that Dave wasn’t mad at him._

_Jack _hated_ when Davey was mad at him. The memories of the previous winter were still as fresh in his mind as that of the previous day and, despite the fact that any anger had long since subsided, things were never the same between him and Davey. Maybe because Jack was still in love with him. Maybe because Davey obviously didn’t feel the same. Maybe because Jack was so busy trying not to anger him in any way that he lost the ability to actually be his friend, just because he couldn’t fucking stand the idea of Davey hating him again._

_Maybe, maybe. It didn’t really matter. What mattered, really, was that things were wrong and Jack wasn’t sure if they could ever be right again._

_“I’m going to visit around the holidays and over the summer break.”_

_“Two whole times in one year? Consider me blessed.” He intended the jab to come out lighthearted. It just sounded bitter. “You’ll write me, yeah?”_

_Davey nodded._

_“I’m gonna count on that. Don’t disappoint me, Dave.”_

_“I’ll try not to.” He pushed his sleeves up to his elbows. The summer heat was overbearing. “I… I’m really going to miss you, Jack.”_

_“I ain’t the one moving halfway across the country. If anyone’s gotta be missing anyone, it’s me missing you.”_

_Davey smiled at that and Jack counted it as a victory. “Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone. No moving to Santa Fe.”_

_“Without taking you with me? Wouldn’t dream of it.” He breathed out into the open air, lacking a cigarette to smoke. He’d been trying to save money and had to cut out such small luxuries. “Anyway, me and Crutchie are thinking about getting some apartment nearby. Can’t exactly hitch a train to New Mexico while I’m still paying half-rent somewhere.”_

_Davey nodded again, the small upward quirk of his lips making the motion much more gentle. “Good.” His hand found that of Jack’s rested on the railing and gently laced their fingers together. “Good,” he repeated, quieter, softer._

_Jack moved his gaze from their clasped hands to his friend’s face. “David?”_

_His thumb traced circles on the skin of Jack’s hand. “Yes?”_

__‘I love you. I know I promised not to talk about this, to let you be the one to start the conversation, to give you time, but it’s been so long and I’m so in love with you it feels like dying every goddamn minute and you’re leaving and that makes it far worse and you don’t even love me anymore but I want you to know, I ain’t gonna stop loving you, even if our feelings never coincide again. And I will never tell you how I feel, cause you don’t want me to. I do it for you, Dave. It’s always you’ _. “I’m really gonna miss you, too.”_

__

***

“C’mon, Dave.” Jack put a hand on his friend’s arm and gently pulled him to the staircase that led to the roof, where they would be out of earshot of the four other Jacobses in the building. Rushing up the stairs, Davey just behind him, was so reminiscent of the past that it almost stung. He’d missed this.

Jack loved Davey’s roof. He loved the view of the city, he loved the seclusion where he could talk to one of the Jacobses in private when needed, and, despite the pain that accompanied them, he loved the memories of Davey’s mouth against his as they stood on this same roof, nearly five years before.

He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He smoked far less than he had in his teenage years, both to save money and because inhaling a cigarette or two daily for several years had left a dull pain in his lungs he was never quite rid of. But he still enjoyed them occasionally, especially when stress was getting to him. He held one out to Davey. “Smoke?”

Dave shook his head. “No, thank you.” Jack had expected the refusal. As far as he knew, Davey had only smoked for a short period of time in his life, one that Jack had been around for all of and had brought about the end of.

Maybe it was narcissistic to think that Davey stopped smoking because of Jack and their friendship. But maybe it was true.

***

_The first few months following that really horrible winter were the most awkward of Jack’s life up to that point. It was difficult, he’d found, to spend time with the person he was in love with, who loved him back, and being unable to act on it._

_So they didn’t talk. They walked together and sold papers and avoided eye contact in general. Their friendship deteriorated until it was practically nothing, but Jack wasn’t ready to let go. So he took initiative: he started conversations, he smiled at Davey, he invited him along when he went out with Katherine. And it got better. They went from silence to meaningless discussions to dinners with the Jacobs family to private conversations on the roof and the fire escape. But there was still so much to say that couldn’t be voiced, so instead of trying to tackle all the feelings eating them from the inside out, they smoked._

_Every time they would go out to the roof, Jack would offer him a cigarette and Davey would take it. It depleted Jack’s collection a lot faster than he could afford, but it was alright. Because for at least as long as Dave’s cigarette was lit, he would get to be around him. They would sit together and watch the people of the city far below and make passing comments and try not to look each other in the eye._

_It was about three months after Jack had last kissed him when Davey finally refused one of the cigarettes. He’d shook his head when Jack had offered and, instead of sitting at the edge of the roof like he normally did, he walked only about halfway before sitting and then lying down on the rough surface. Jack followed close behind, hands in pockets and head bowed, and sat down right next to Davey._

_“Jack?”_

_He looked over at his friend, one half of Davey’s face obscured by Jack’s shadow. Still far too beautiful. “Yeah, Dave?”_

_Davey’s teeth dug into his lower lip, worrying at the chapped skin. He didn’t answer. Jack wondered if he even could._

_“Sure you don’t want that cigarette?”_

_Davey smiled, a far-off expression, and shook his head. Without looking, he moved his hand to rest on top of Jack’s. When Davey’s fingers curled around his, all he could do was look at the other boy, breathless. “No, I don’t think I need it.”_

_He waited for Davey to continue, but he didn’t. “So, what were you gonna say?”_

_The grip on Jack’s hand tightened. “I… I forgive you, Jack. I want you to know that.”_

_It was the first time they’d even come close to speaking about what Jack had done, or about them as a collective at all. They hadn’t spoken about this in months and now, when Davey did, it wasn’t out of anger or resentment. He was speaking of_ forgiveness- _something Jack didn’t deserve. But of course Davey would forgive; he was_ so good. _And Jack loved him for it. When he could finally bring himself to speak, he choked out a quiet, “Thank you.” There was so more he wanted to say, but the air, still with the chill of before-spring, seemed to steal the words from his mouth. And maybe the same happened to Davey, as he heard no response._

_The moonlight washed over Davey’s pale skin so he looked more ethereal than human. He was smiling and looking at Jack so softly and Jack wanted to kiss him. But he couldn’t. Not now. He couldn’t risk this forgiveness, as it might not be pardoned again. So he returned the smile and squeezed Davey’s hand, just once._

_He never saw Davey smoke again, after that day. And never since then, did Jack need cigarettes for Davey to stay._

__

***

Davey looked up at the sky and Jack could see the moon reflected in his eyes. “You could see the stars far better out on the lawn of the campus,” he mused, so quiet that Jack assumed the words weren’t for him. “It was so beautiful out there, Jack. I thought of you when I saw the moon; you always said it would be bigger out west. I think you might be right.”

“When am I not right?”

Davey laughed and elbowed him in the arm. After a moment, he calmed and started once more. “It’s far more beautiful out there but, still, I missed the city. Mostly because of the people. All that's happened with you, Sarah, Katherine… I feel like I’ve missed so much.”

“Like what?”

Davey looked at him with disbelief. Maybe there should be something coming to mind, but Jack’s mind was still caught up on the fact that Davey always thought of him while looking at the moon. “Oh, just things like _Katherine marrying my sister_.” Oh, yeah. That was something Davey had missed. “I’m never forgiving them for not inviting me to the wedding.” 

Jack snorted. “Dunno if I’d call it a ‘wedding’. And there wasn’t much of an audience; just me, Les, Crutchie, and that weird, gorgeous girl from Europe that Sarah’s friends with.”

Davey sighed. “I don’t even know who that is. I really have missed out.”

“Hey,” Jack said, resting his hand on top of Davey’s. “Don’t worry, I ain’t gonna let you fall behind. We’ll take turns, fill each other in on how our lives have been. By the end of it, it’ll be like you’d been there.”

Davey smiled. “Thank you, Jack.” Jack nodded and lit his cigarette, raising it to his mouth for the first drag. He could feel Davey’s eyes on him. “My roommate smoked a lot.”

“Yeah?”

“More than you ever did. Our room smelled terrible.” Jack chuckled and wondered if it was hint was meant for him. He exhaled the smoke away from Davey. “And it made kissing him really unpleasant.”

Jack nearly choked on the smoke he was inhaling. His “Oh?” came out as a cross between a whine and a cough. Davey had mentioned boys in his letters, but never in such a forward way. Jack didn’t even know they were at a point where they talked about affairs with other boys. But, he reminded himself, Davey didn’t still love him, so it didn’t matter to him. 

“Yeah.”

Jack was quiet for a minute, question on the tip of his tongue. One that would likely lead to a line of questioning that would only hurt him more. “So, uh, was that Daniel?”

***

_Jack had never met Davey’s friend Daniel, so it shouldn’t be possible for him to hate the man so much._

 _It wasn’t fair to Daniel. He’d never done anything to Jack or to Davey, expect be so beautiful and charming and smart, allegedly, that Davey wrote about him in_ every goddamn letter _he sent to Jack._

_Sure, it wasn’t the first time Jack had heard about a current infatuation of Davey’s through his writing. But those were usually short mentions of pretty boys he had passed in hallways or who sat in front of him in one of his lectures. Jack didn’t like those, at all, but he didn’t mind them. They didn’t necessarily mean anything. Jack could just easily pick out attractive people he’d love to share a night with. Didn’t mean he loved Davey any less. But what Davey was writing about Daniel wasn’t what one thought about a passing fancy._

_And Davey never said anything that confirmed the obvious implications of love, but Jack wasn’t blind. Once the casual mentions turned to long stories and ongoing, flowery descriptions of Daniel’s laugh and cleverness, it wasn’t difficult to tell. Jack knew he was a shitty friend for ignoring Davey, but it got to a point where he just couldn’t do it. Small stacks of letters piled up in his room, all just as sealed as the day they had arrived, because he couldn’t stand to read Davey’s words. He couldn’t._

_But, with a stomach full of alcohol and a mind buzzing with bad ideas, he spent one night opening every letter, reading every word two, three, four times, feeling the jealousy twisting in his stomach and the burning anger that was aimed far more at himself than at anyone else. Davey deserved to be happy. Davey deserved someone who made him happy. And Jack, all Jack had ever done was break his heart. Davey deserved better, and now he had it._

_Kath found him, drunk and surrounded by torn-open envelopes with letters clutched to his chest, sobbing over a boy he hadn’t cried for in years. She hugged him, rubbed his back, and hummed as Jack murmured, over and over, the words that were so horribly true._

_“He’s in love with someone else.”_

__

***

Davey visibly stiffened at the sound of Daniel’s name, but he didn’t take his hand out of Jack’s. After a moment of pause, he shook his head. “No. No, I… Daniel wasn’t my roommate. And me and my roommate were just a fling. It wasn’t- that was nothing and it ended fast.”

“Ah.” Jack wondered if it was because of the smoking. He wondered if he should stop smoking. He wondered if it would matter. It probably wouldn’t. “And what about Daniel?”

“He was different.”

Jack raked his eyes over Davey’s expression but figured out nothing. It was just as impassive as his own. “You love him.”

“I loved him.”

Jack forced himself to not get excited over the past tense. He had to remind himself that Davey’s love for him was just as much in the past. “Why’d you stop?”

Davey shrugged. “It wasn’t working. It was completely mutual; what we had was fading and we thought to just end it rather than let it drag on with neither of us in love. He’s still my friend, even if I won’t be seeing much of him now that we’ve both graduated.”

“Sorry that it ended. Falling out of love ain’t easy.” Not that Jack had much experience. He had been hopelessly stuck in love for too long to remember how it felt to stop.

“Don’t be sorry, Jack. It was for the best. Better than some of my other relationships worked out.” He exhaled through his nose and it occurred to Jack that there was far more about Davey’s life that he didn’t know than what he did. Which was an unsettling concept. “It was kind of terrifying, the first few times I fell in love while in college.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was just worried, since all of these men had had real, romantic lives and experiences, and I- I hadn’t known how to be in love with someone who wasn’t…. Someone who wasn’t you.” Davey made eye contact with him, finally, and the feelings building in Jack’s stomach made him feel nauseous. They weren’t supposed to talk about it. As far as Jack was concerned, if they never talked about what had happened that winter, it wouldn’t be real and they would keep this peace between them. But, if it was real, then they had to face it. And then what would happen?

He could keep doing it, running away from this topic in fear that it would cross the line of what he and Dave were supposed to say to each other. He could keep dancing around the discussion of love and pretending he was fine watching Davey fall for other men. He could hide and smoke and smile and let his friendship with Davey stagnate into something slightly awkward, unresolved, and lacking, but overall, acceptable. It could be fine.

But he was tired of running.

“I can’t say I’ve gone through the same thing.”

Davey chuckled. “Well, of course not. You had all these people before me.”

“Dave, look, that ain’t what I meant.”

Davey’s eyebrows furrowed. “What did you mean?”

Jack was quiet for one minute, then two, then three. Then, finally: “Can you tell me something, honest?”

“Of course.”

“How pathetic is it to be in love with a guy who left you nearly five years ago?”

Feeling Davey yank his hand away from Jack’s hurt far more than a blow would have. “Jack-”

“I ain’t asking for a friend or nothing. This is for me.”

“What’re you saying, Jack?”

“I think you know.”

“You’re still in love with me?” The whisper was soft and stunned. And here Jack had thought it was obvious.

“Damn, Dave. Knew you were smart, didn’t think you’d figure that one out so easy.”

The sarcasm had no effect. “You’ve been in love with me for five years?”

“Yeah.”

Davey ran his fingers through his hair before burying his face in his hands. “Jack, I don’t know what to say to that.”

His heart sunk to the ground, but it wasn’t like he had expected anything else. Davey didn’t love him, now he just had proof. “You ain’t gotta say nothing. Sorry I dropped that on you.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s not bad. This is just- I thought you moved on.” His voice sounded broken, which just added to the pain in Jack’s chest. Could he do _anything_ without hurting Davey? “You mentioned other people.” 

Jack almost scoffed at the words. Sure, there had been ‘other people’ - a series of tall, pretty boys with dark hair and light eyes who were just familiar-looking enough that, with a bit of alcohol, Jack would convince himself that they were Davey. Not that he was about to admit that. “I can sleep with people and still only be in love with you.”

“Let me, let me figure this out.” He wrapped his arms around himself and took several long, slow breaths. His eyes were closed and Jack could see where his dark, long eyelashes brushed against his blush-brightened cheeks. Then he was looking at Jack again, and there was a decision in his light, determined eyes.

“What’d ya figure out?”

Davey ignored his question, responding to it with one of his own. “Do you want to be with me?” 

“How the fuck am I supposed to answer that?”

“Do you?”

Jack rolled his eyes in frustration. “‘Course I do, Dave. That kinda comes with being in love with somebody for this long. ‘Course I wanna be with you.”

“Then, be with me.” Davey held out a hand. The same that he’d pulled away so violently when he found out the extent of Jack’s feelings. And now he wanted to offer something like that? Jack swatted the arm away.

“I don’t want your fucking pity, Dave.”

Davey reached over the space between them to push dark wisps of hair behind Jack’s ear. Jack didn’t stop him. “It isn’t pity. I loved you, Jack. I loved you so much that I think it half killed when you pulled that stunt with my sister.” Jack winced and Davey steadied him with a hand on his shoulder. “I’m not… I’m not exactly sure how I feel about you. I’m trying to figure that out right now. I’m not in love with you anymore, but there’s still… There’s still _something_ there. Something that’s never really gone away. I don’t think I could live without you being in my life in some way. And whether that’s as your friend or whatever _this_ would be, as long as I’m with you, I’m happy.”

Jack bit his lower lip and tried to force himself not to cry. He almost had a one year not-crying-about-Davey streak and he didn’t want to break it just because Davey admitted he _might_ consider being with him. “Dave, look, it still sounds like you’re doing this just cause I want it. And that’s- if you don’t want this, there ain’t no point cause eventually you’ll just end up resenting me and that would be so much worse.”

“No- that’s not what I- I’m wording this badly.”

“You went to four years of school halfway across the country to learn how to speak well. Better come up with something,” Jack teased, trying to use humor to dissolve the situation. Davey shot him a glare that was softened by a smile and shook his head.

“What I mean to say is: I like you, Jack. As a friend, but also in a way that makes me think you should kiss me.” If that was supposed to be an invitation, Jack wasn’t taking it. Davey sighed. “I don’t love you now, but I do really think I could. And I want to. I want that feeling again. I want you.”

Jack wiped the corner of his eyes with the side of his arm. “Jesus, Dave, you’re making it really fucking hard to refuse this.”

“Then don’t.”

“I’m not a good guy, Davey. You saw that last time we was together. What if I hurt you again and ruin-”

“Then you apologize and we talk and we work it out.” Davey laced his fingers through Jack’s and smiled at him, so soft that he could feel the love in chest threatening to overflow. “I think we can make this work, Jack.”

“We couldn’t in the past.”

“We were _teenagers_.”

Jack laughed. “Still.”

“Why are you- You said you wanted me.” Davey looked confused and a bit doubtful now. Maybe hurt. Which was reasonable; Jack had done nothing but shut him down. Of course he would question Jack’s sincerity. He clasped Dave’s hand tighter.

“I do. More than anything.”

“Why can’t you let yourself have this? I promise you, Jack, I wouldn’t agree to something like this if I didn’t think it was in both of our interests. Just… just let yourself be happy. Please.”

“I’m gonna mess up-”

“So will I, at some point.”

“And you’re just fine with that?”

Davey pursed his lips and, after a moment, slowly nodded. “Yes. I’ve been in a few relationships now, and that’s how they work. We make mistakes and then we make up for them. And things work out okay.”

“I ain’t been in too many serious relationships, but that don’t sound like a bad policy.” Davey was looking at him, waiting for something a bit more concrete. “Okay. Yes.”

“Yes?”

“If you’re sure- _only_ if you’re sure- I would really, really like to try this again.”

Davey was beaming so brightly that Jack might’ve confused him for the sun. After a few moments of trying to suppress his own grin, he gave up, and his expression was the mirror of Davey’s. “I’m really sure, Jack. Just promise you won’t leave me for my sister.”

“I can definitely promise that.”

“And no leaving me for my brother.”

Jack’s eyes widened. “Jesus Christ, Dave! Les is a kid!” Davey was laughing, even as Jack pushed his arm with the one hand that wasn’t wrapped in Davey’s. It wasn’t a great plan, as it only ended up knocking them both off balance and landing the two of them lying on their sides on the roof.

When the laughter died down and their hands were still clasped, Jack turned his head to look at Davey. He was staring up at the sky, the few stars that peaked out of the polluted heavens providing the only light by which Jack could see him. He looked beautiful. He always looked beautiful. “This reminds me of the night I forgave you.”

Jack remembered it well. “Reminds me, too.”

“I wanted you to kiss me that night.”

“I should’ve.”

“Make it up to me now.”

Jack looked into Davey’s wide, expectant eyes. Their faces were so close that they could barely move without one bumping into the other. It would be so easy to kiss him. “You completely sure, Dave?”

“Call me David and it’s a yes.”

“You completely sure, _David_?”

“The surest I’ve ever been.”

Jack tucked loose strands of hair behind Davey’s ear, placed a hand on his waist, brushed his thumb over his cheekbone. He went slowly, unable to be completely sure it was real. Davey apparently didn’t have the same reservations because, after several seconds of Jack preparing himself, Davey grabbed Jack by the collar of his shirt and pulled him into a kiss.

It was rough; all the desperation of those four and a half years had built up a need Jack hadn’t known he possessed. It manifested in hands tugging at hair, gripping at fabric, lips and teeth clashing and the intense fixation on being as close as possible to Davey, the man who had evolved from the boy he’d loved to a newer, greater version that Jack adored just as much. And, as evidenced with every touch, both soft and rough, Davey wanted this, just as much.

They separated, foreheads knocking together as they gave themselves time to breathe while keeping as close as they could. Davey kept leaning back in to press shorter, chaster kisses to Jack’s mouth, soft whines escaping from his mouth each time he or Jack had to pull away. They held each other and just breathed in the warm air. Opened their eyes and looked at each other. Smiled. And Davey laughed.

“Why’re you laughing?”

“Nothing, Jack.”

“C’mon, Dave. Tell me.”

“It’s just… I’m really happy, Jack.”

“Me too, David.”

And it felt like a new beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !! here we are!! I hope yall enjoyed this ride! this is longest thing ive ever completed (my unfinished 90k word project from last year still haunts me) so I'm super happy that I at least finished it, even though its not perfect. Though it has less chapters than originally intended, it is about 1.5x as long, and I still could've added more. But it is what it is and I hope you guys enjoy.
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking with me through this rollercoaster of a fic. I love you all, thank you for the supportive comments, and please let me know what you think of the ending. Thank you again, and have a great rest of the year!
> 
>  
> 
> ps my aesthetic is jack pining over davey for extraordinarily long periods of time while davey is just living his best life
> 
> pps writing the boys in character??? never heard of THAT


End file.
